A mom writes in looking for advice on how to explain to her husband that he did not fail their oldest daughter because she got pregnant at 18.
A Community Member asks:
“I’ve been married for 13 years and I have 3 kids from a previous marriage. And my oldest daughter who is 18 just told us she’s pregnant. My husband, not her bio dad, is thinking he failed her. How do I explain to him it’s not his fault?“
Community Advice for the Wife Whose Husband Is Feeling He Failed Their Daughter Because She’s Pregnant
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this wife and mother, read the comments of the post embedded below.
The community members are in complete agreement that he didn’t fail his daughter. You can read some of these comments below.
“No one failed her. The fact that she came to you both and told you proves that. I couldn’t face my grandparents and tell them I was 18 and pregnant. As long as you support her decisions and continue to do so, you nor he failed her. I’m sure he wasn’t there when she got pregnant, so there’s nothing he could have done to actually fully prevent it.”
“As long as he stands by her side. He didn’t fail her. I was pregnant at 18! My dad stood by my side.“
“A year ago I fell pregnant I was 18 and I had no idea what to do, I was in a situation where I was out every night with my child’s father partying and barely ever going home, as soon as I found out I was pregnant, all of that stopped. I was so scared to tell my family and they were scared and felt like if they’d kept me in better check it wouldn’t have happened but at the same time being pregnant and having my son saved me- and my family.“
“A child is not a mistake in any way, they may come at an undesired time but having family around who will love that child is the thing that keeps it from being a mistake. Your husband obviously cares enough about your daughter to think he failed her ( which he didn’t I might add ) but it just shows how much he will be there to support her in her new journey and most likely he’ll be obsessed with your new little person.”
“She’s a big girl now and she makes her own decisions. Parents raise their kids to be good people. It isn’t the parents’ fault as to what decisions the kids make once they are grown. You all have done good parenting so don’t blame yourself.”
“I got pregnant at 17. My mom was supportive, and my dad was pissed for weeks. I made my own choice to do it and I love my son so much and so does everyone else! Try to think of it as more time to spend and get to know your grandchild. He didn’t fail. He will only fail if he doesn’t show love and support during this hard time for her, in my opinion. Best of luck.”
“She’s 18, she’s legally an adult. May not be the best time and you both might want more for her but it happens. Maybe explain to him that you’ve raised your daughter as her own person, she makes her own decisions and especially when it comes to teenagers and sex you don’t have control. Maybe when he sees your daughter being a good mother he’ll realize that he did not fail her as a parent after all, and that’s the most important thing either of you could have done for her, is to show her how to be a good, loving parent.“
Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs I have ever had. I think most parents would agree. We don’t get a manual on how to raise our children. They are all so different, and you can’t raise them all the same way. That being said, the first thing we do as parents are to blame ourselves when we feel our children make decisions we don’t agree with. When our children are adults or young adults they get to begin making choices for themselves that were once made for them. We have to give them that space and not take it personally when it is against our better judgment.
I don’t think there is any way to help a parent feel differently until they see for themselves that they can’t be blamed for choices their children make as adults. You can try to reason with him but again he needs to understand that for himself. When he realizes that her getting pregnant isn’t the worst choice she could have made, he may feel differently.
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Dawn Onye is a Certified Lactation Counselor. With this certification comes education and her own experience helping mothers and babies with breastfeeding. With her CLC, she is required to keep herself up to date on the research studies, conferences, and training related to breastfeeding. She chose this field not just because she is an advocate for the benefits of breastfeeding, but because she sincerely loves working with mothers and babies. Her mission is not to push breastfeeding on all mothers and babies, but to help all mothers reach the goals they have and to provide the expertise for them to do so. The most important thing in life is to do what is best for your family without judgment from others.
Dawn is also a wife and a mother. She has four children ranging from 12 to 19 years old. She can help many families with tips and tricks she has learned along the way. She loves to read and write. Her favorite seasons are spring and fall, although she does enjoy summers while spending time with her family. There has been no greater accomplishment in life for her than being a mother.
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