A wife writes in for thoughts about how to handle her in-laws who are making her feel bad because she hasn’t had a baby yet. But what they don’t know is that she has PCOS and has had two miscarriages.
A Community Member asks:
“Okay, ladies. I was mad at first, and now I’m just sad. My mother in law/father in law have been wanting my husband and me to have a baby for a long time now. We want babies too, of course, but it just hasn’t happened. I’ve had two miscarriages as well as PCOS, so it’s a bit tough physically, and emotionally I’m struggling. Long story short, I was sitting with my husband’s family, and his mom said out loud, “why haven’t you had babies yet? I had two kids by your age,” and now I’m feeling horrible like I’m too late.
Another thing she said that bothered me was that she hopes I have babies that look like my husband. My SO‘s grandma, who loves me, said, “what, will you be mad if the baby looks more like her?” And everyone went quiet. I don’t know if I can live like this. I don’t even know how to respond. I’ve just been quiet ever since.“
Community Advice for This Wife Whose In-Laws Have Made It Hard for Her Because She Isn’t Pregnant
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this wife dealing with her in-laws, read the comments of the post embedded below.
You can read some of the responses to this daughter dealing with her in-laws below. What would you have said?
“Why does your husband not tell her to be quiet? She is not too old to understand how getting pregnant is not always easy. Do they know about the miscarriages? PCOS! If not you should tell them.“
“Honestly, you need to get rude back to prove a point. Let them know that their snide comments are hurtful. If you could have produced a child by now you certainly would have. Not everyone is able to just pop them out at any time. Some people have to do it the hard way and unless they are willing to pay for that then they need to keep their hurtful comments to themselves.“
“I don’t know how old you are but with PCOS you might have better luck conceiving in your late 30’s – early 40’s. The hormones tend to calm down a bit before peri-menopause. Also, if you haven’t seen a fertility specialist yet you might want to do so. My reproductive endocrinologist suspected my 2nd loss was caused by a septum in my uterus. I had that fixed and went on to have 2 healthy children.“
“Let me start off by saying I know how you feel and my apologies if I come across a bit harsh. That being said, your medical diagnosis is none of her business so you shouldn’t have to say anything. Why do those struggling with infertility need to broadcast it? They don’t. Your MIL should keep her mouth shut as your family planning is none of her business. I think your husband needs to step in and say something and if you’re comfortable with her knowing maybe he could tell her. If not, then the next time she brings it up I’d politely say, Thanks for sharing and I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Google PCOS print it out and hand it to her when she says something again. Be nice about it and just tell her this is why. it’s not like we are not trying. When and if we do get Pregnant we will let you know. But please be kind and quit asking because every time you ask it truly hurts my feelings.” My MIL keeps telling me that I need to have a baby and it needs to be a girl. One, my husband is in prison, and two, I cannot promise her a girl.“
“How did your husband respond?? If he didn’t defend you before you did that’s a problem already in the making…as well don’t be scare to defend yourself trust me moms like his if you don’t shut that down she will play you for the rest of your marriage…”
It is so wrong that anyone would talk to another person in this manner, especially your own in-laws. But I have to say that what bothers me the most is: where is your husband? Is he not sticking up for you? That is his job. Especially since he knows what you guys are going through to have a baby and your health issues. It is his responsibility to be the filter between you and your in-laws, who are his blood relatives. They should not be able to get past him with those kinds of words.
I would start with him. You shouldn’t even have to talk to his parents at all. If he knows already what is happening and isn’t doing anything then I would start there. Figure out a way to work that out between you. If he doesn’t defend you then I would refuse to be around them. You can state how you feel to them, but I just feel like you shouldn’t have to; that’s his job.
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Dawn Onye is a Certified Lactation Counselor. With this certification comes education and her own experience helping mothers and babies with breastfeeding. With her CLC, she is required to keep herself up to date on the research studies, conferences, and training related to breastfeeding. She chose this field not just because she is an advocate for the benefits of breastfeeding, but because she sincerely loves working with mothers and babies. Her mission is not to push breastfeeding on all mothers and babies, but to help all mothers reach the goals they have and to provide the expertise for them to do so. The most important thing in life is to do what is best for your family without judgment from others.
Dawn is also a wife and a mother. She has four children ranging from 12 to 19 years old. She can help many families with tips and tricks she has learned along the way. She loves to read and write. Her favorite seasons are spring and fall, although she does enjoy summers while spending time with her family. There has been no greater accomplishment in life for her than being a mother.