A daughter writes in asking for advice on how to handle her parents coming over unannounced. They rent the house from her parents and she doesn’t really get along with her mother. What do you think?
A Community Member asks:
“My parents own the house, my boyfriend and our kids live in. They come in unannounced. My mother (we don’t get along) doesn’t even knock. My dad will at least knock. So, am I in the wrong for wanting them to call and ask before coming over? Normally it’s around time for homework, dinner and even bedtime.“
Community Advice for the Daughter Who Wants Her Parents to Call Before Coming Over Unannounced
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this daughter, read the comments of the post embedded below.
The community members gave some advice about changing locks, locking the doors, and a few other ideas. You can read some of these posts below.
“It’s their house they can technically enter anytime they want, unless you have some kind of lease or written agreement. If you try to change the lock and they own the house and you have lease or paper agreement then it’s a civil small claims court case. If it’s really a problem go get your own place.”
“Lock the door…if they have a key…change the locks or add a lock from the inside. You have rights whether you have a formal rental agreement or not.”
“Your parents are treating you like children. I have lots of theories, but I’ll say this: if you want to live as an adult and be respected as an adult, you need to establish yourself as an adult in your parents’ eyes. If you’re not paying market value rent, your own utilities, and any other expenses related to living a separate life from your parents, thus showing your ability to be a responsible adult, your parents will not see you as an adult. If you are handling your business on your own, then they need to respect you and your household.”
“We have grandchildren and their mom (not our daughter) living in our home. We respect her space and the children’s space. Common areas of the house, however, are fair game. We pay the bills, therefore it’s our place, not hers … Or theirs. That being said, this is their home, and we respect their privacy in their own space.“
“I own my own home & my parents changed the locks & made keys for themselves when I moved in. They come & go whenever they want. I just deal with it. Plus, usually when they come by unannounced or when I’m not home it’s to clean, do maintenance or leave me a surprise. In your situation, they own the home though so that’s a little different. I don’t think calling beforehand is too much to ask. Either way, you’re entitled to your privacy.“
One comment said that because it is their home and they do have a right to show up at any time of day. Which is legally true. Out of respect though, they should let you know they are coming. Talking to them and asking for them to call or knock before coming in is totally fair to ask.
You will find that your comments will be agreeable if people don’t have a good relationship with their family or parents and you can get disagreeable comments for people who have no problem with people coming over unannounced. I know with my personality I don’t mind people coming over unannounced but I wouldn’t want them to just walk in. If it is my family, I don’t think I would mind at all. I think it is just personal feelings but you have a right to ask for that respect.
I would start by talking to them. Ask for them to call before they come, but if they do come without calling, you would like them to knock first. If they refuse to give you that respect then the best advice I would give is to possibly find another place to rent. They may show more respect if it is your home and not theirs’. That is the most drastic move but it may be best for you in this situation if you don’t think you can live with it.
Do you have any advice for this mom? Leave a comment to help another mom out!
Over on the Mamas Uncut Facebook page, our robust community of moms is always having a conversation about topics that matter. We like to highlight those conversations from time to time. Important mom questions. Thoughtful mom answers.
Do you have a question you’d like answered? Submit it to the Mamas Uncut Facebook page, and we may feature it along with some of the best answers on this site! You can remain completely anonymous while still getting the information and support you need from other moms who know what it’s like.
Dawn Onye is a Certified Lactation Counselor. With this certification comes education and her own experience helping mothers and babies with breastfeeding. With her CLC, she is required to keep herself up to date on the research studies, conferences, and training related to breastfeeding. She chose this field not just because she is an advocate for the benefits of breastfeeding, but because she sincerely loves working with mothers and babies. Her mission is not to push breastfeeding on all mothers and babies, but to help all mothers reach the goals they have and to provide the expertise for them to do so. The most important thing in life is to do what is best for your family without judgment from others.
Dawn is also a wife and a mother. She has four children ranging from 12 to 19 years old. She can help many families with tips and tricks she has learned along the way. She loves to read and write. Her favorite seasons are spring and fall, although she does enjoy summers while spending time with her family. There has been no greater accomplishment in life for her than being a mother.