Tell Me A Joke

So, you Googled “tell me a joke.” Your wish is our command. We’ve compiled a list of slide-splitting jokes for your pleasure. Life can be really tough but humor helps and we encourage you to laugh your way through whatever ails you.

If you typed “tell me a joke” into that search field, you have come to the right place as we have compiled a list of over 200 jokes that we are sure you will get a kick out of. Scroll through these funnies below and do your best to not laugh. Enjoy!

Okay, Tell Me a Joke.

Tell Me a Joke – Dark Humor

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but the police came out of nowhere.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” is an excellent saying until you realize that you’re adopted.
Wife: “Honey, I’m pregnant.” / Husband: “Hi Pregnant, I’m dad.” / Wife: “No you’re not.”
I’d tell you a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.
My family is like a treasure. You need a map and a shovel to find them.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now, he’ll really know what rejection feels like.
I took away my ex-boyfriend’s wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back to me?
That moment when you notice that one fork isn’t really very clean when you’re setting the table and you have to decide which family member you like the least.

Tell Me a Joke – More Dark Humor Jokes

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.
A guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy: “Hey mister it’s getting dark out and I’m scared.” / Man: “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”
I made a website for orphans, unfortunately, it doesn’t have a homepage.
Son: “Dad, how do stars die?” / Dad: “Usually an overdose.”
It’s sad how families can be torn apart from something as simple as wild dogs.
Significant other: “Am I beautiful?” / Reply: “You’re like the sun. You’re painful to look at.”
Famous last words of a bomb disposal expert: “Yes, the red wire.”
You know you’re ugly when you get handed the camera every time folks make a group photo.
My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.
How do you make any salad a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

Tell Me a Joke – Twisted Humor

via GIPHY

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
When the cannibal turned up late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.
As I get older, I recall all of the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.
When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
My memes are ironic but my depression is chronic.
If I really wanted to hurt myself, I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your IQ.
What’s the fastest way to get to a hospital? Just stand in the middle of the road for a little while.
If you see me smiling, I’m probably thinking of doing something evil. If I’m laughing, I’ve already done it.

Tell Me a Joke – Rotten Humor

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Why did Mozart kill all of his pet chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? Its butt.
Child: “Dad, there’s something wrong with the bunny.” / Dad: “Please leave the oven door closed.”
BREAKING NEWS: Local Leprosy Awareness Society Fell Apart.
It’s important to have a robust vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my good friends would still be alive.
My grandfather came back from the front line with one leg. We still don’t know who the leg belongs to.

Tell Me a Joke – Weird Jokes

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can’t be found.
I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
I started crying when my husband was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.
The guy who stole my diary just passed away. My thoughts are with his family.
Did you hear about the Pillsbury Doughboy? He died of a yeast infection.
I have a joke about trickle-down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
Tombstone engraving: “I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK.”

Tell Me a Joke – Messed Up Humor

via GIPHY

Child: “Oh daddy, I love you so much!” / Reply: “Until the paternity test comes back, I’m Robert to you.”
My grief counselor passed away yesterday. He was so good at his job that I don’t even care.
I’d like to have kids one day. Unfortunately, I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side cut off? He’s all right now!
My favorite book is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I’m a sucker for a protagonist with a twisted back story.
I visited my friend at her new home. She told me to make myself at home. So I threw her out. I hate having visitors.
I was reading a fantastic novel about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.
If you donate one kidney everybody celebrates you as a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling.
There’s a dirty rumor going around that I’m a hardcore gambler. I don’t know what idiot is spreading such lies, but I’d bet serious money on it being Bob.

Tell Me a Joke – Wicked Jokes

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral? Nothing.
My husband got so mad at me because I have a bed sense of direction. You know what I did? I packed all my stuff up and right.
My parents raised me as an only child which really made my brother mad.
I have this stepladder because my real ladder left me when I was just a child.
What’s the difference between a dinosaur and a lump of coal? 65 million years.
Learning my toaster wasn’t waterproof was a shock.
It’s said that there’s a person capable of murder in every group of friends so I killed Donald before he could do any harm.
Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the elevator.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” Wonderful saying, but a horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

Tell Me a Joke – Over-the-Top Jokes

What’s the best thing to do when being attacked by a mob of clowns? Go for the juggler.
A new study found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. When’s the last time you ate a monkey?
Why did the old lady fall into the well? She couldn’t see that well.
Why are friends like snow? When you pee on them, they disappear.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
At a restaurant, I asked a waiter how they prepared the chicken. “Nothing special,” he replied. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
I threw a boomerang a few years back. Now, I live in constant fear.
My therapist told me, “Time heals all wounds.” So I stabbed him. Now we wait.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a Rottweiler? Just the Rottweiler.

Tell Me a Joke – Rough Ones

via GIPHY

Titanic: “I’m nominating all passengers for the ice bucket challenge.”
How many babies do you need to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that tiny thing?
What’s brown and bad for dental health? A Baseball bat.
I don’t understand why horror movies make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.
What band do necrophiliacs love? Coldplay.
I’m not saying I hate you. But if you got hit by a bus I’d be driving that bus.
What makes a joke a dad joke? I’ll never know. I don’t even have one as an example.
Why can’t a T-rex clap? It’s dead.
Why can’t orphans play baseball? They’ve never known what home is.

Tell Me a Joke – So Wrong They’re Right

Husband to Wife: “Am I handsome?” / Wife: “Honey, you’re like the sun. It’s painful to look at you.”
finally got one of those roof boxes for the car. It’s very practical. I can barely hear my kids now.
Patient: “Doctor! Doctor! Help me! I can’t feel my legs!” / Doctor: “Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!”
Husband to Wife: “Am I handsome?” / Wife: “Honey, you’re like the sun. It’s painful to look at you.”
Child: “Mommy! Mommy! I found Daddy!” / Mom: “How many times do I have to tell you to not dig around in the garden!?”
How do you save a man from drowning? Remove your foot from his head.
How did the dentist suddenly become a brain surgeon? A slip of his hand.
Where can you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it.
I finally got one of those roof boxes for the car. It’s very practical. I can barely hear my kids now.
Patient: “Doctor! Doctor! Help me! I can’t feel my legs!” / Doctor: “Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!”

Tell Me a Joke – Pitch Black Humor

There’s always a lot of talk about starting a family. But no one ever talks about finishing them.
What’s the difference between me and cancer? My dad did not beat cancer.
My spouse instructed me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I do not get off the computer. I’m not too nervous, I feel she’s apposfI(UC Phjiusahfrklanf;nofjcSfk’fij;j;u2828!
A woman walks into an enchanted forest and tries to chop down a speaking tree. Tree: “You can’t cut me down! I’m a talking tree!” / Woman: “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
They say that breakfast is a very powerful meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned.
Did you hear about that man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake.
Patient: “I really can’t decide between having this operation or facing certain death without it.” / Doctor: “You know, with a bit of luck, you could have both.”
The cemetery is overcrowded. People are just dying to get in.
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything taste better. So, I sprinkled some on my divorce paper and my husband’s broken legs.
When my wife begins to sing I always go out and tend to the garden so our neighbors can see there’s no domestic violence going on.

RELATED: 155 Best Dark Humor Jokes

Tell Me a Joke – Always Funny Jokes

via GIPHY

My mommy is like jelly and daddy is like peanut butter. I’m the bread and the only thing keeping them together.
What’s read and horrible for your teeth? A brick.
I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smoking hot body.
Friends are like trees. They fall over when you hit them with an axe.
What do you call a dad in a mirror? Your imagination.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
I put the fun in funeral.
That awkward moment when you thought the guy was an excellent magician only to realize he simply suffers from leprosy…
What kind of shoes do kidnappers like? White Vans.
The oncologist gave me one year to live. So, in the heat of the moment, I shot him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved!

Tell Me a Joke – Crowd Pleasing Jokes

I had to give up my vegetarian diet. It turns out they are much harder to catch than cows.
My great-aunt’s star sign was cancer which makes her death so ironic. She was eaten by a giant crab.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
What do you call a rude cactus? A prick.
I just saw a cashier scan a rude customer’s face with a barcode reader. The look on his face was priceless.
What happens if you throw a charged battery at someone? You will get charged with battery.
I wasn’t surprised when the doctors told me my electrotherapy was free. I was shocked!
After work, I volunteer to help blind children. By the way – verb, not adjective.
Doctor: “How is it going with your old ailment, Mr. Chandler?” / “Great! I’ve been divorced for two months now!”

Tell Me a Joke – So Bad They’re Good

My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party. That’s when I realized he’s the favorite twin.
Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.
As a kid, I’d always get bullied. Every day they’d spit in my food, call me names, play dirty pranks on me and so much more. I really hated being homeschooled.
I’m about to mix gasoline with a lit match AMA! Wow, this blew up!
Police officer: “I’m sorry miss, but it looks like your husband was hit by a truck.” Wife: “Yeah, but he has a great personality!”
My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can’t understand why she’s crying because I’m the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
I went to a brothel without any money. They told me to beat it.
To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.
A new mom to a maternity nurse: “I want to name my daughter Sophia.” / Nurse: “I’m sorry, but that name is already been taken, perhaps you can consider naming her Sophia632 or Sophia_632?”
Daughter: “Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home.” / Dad: “That’s perfect. Tell him grandma is coming in just a moment.

Tell Me a Joke – Just Some Dad Jokes

via GIPHY

Why is poison so hard to come by? It’s a delicacy you only get to experience once in your life.
A leper was upset about an expensive ambulance ride to the hospital. It cost him an arm and a leg.
As much of a thrill-seeker as I am, I would never bungee jump. I came into this world because of a broken rubber and I’m not going out because of one.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A “two-knee” fish.
Do you know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.
Why did the crab never share? Because he’s shellfish.
Patient: “Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.” / Doctor: “I understand.” / Patient: “Understand what?”

Tell Me a Joke – More Corny Jokes

What do you call a rabbit that has fleas? Bugs bunny.
Do you know what’s smarter than a talking bird? A spelling bee.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? You bet! The Empire State Building can’t jump.
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then, it’s a soap opera.
My wife suggested I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
=What do you call a pig that’s trained in karate? A pork chop.
Why did the shark blush? Because it saw the ocean’s bottom.
Did you hear the frog’s car broke down? Yep, it had to be toad away.

Tell Me a Joke – Ridiculousness

How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
I asked my dog what’s three minus three. He said nothing.
What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where’s Pop Corn?
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Where do boats go when they’re sick? The boat doc(k).
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you.

Tell Me a Joke – Dumb Jokes

via GIPHY

What does the lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!
What kind of car does an egg drive? A Yolkswagen.
Why couldn’t the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn’t have the guts.
What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put some boogie in it.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
What type of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
How do you make 7 even? Take away the S.
What time did the woman go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

Tell Me a Joke – Keeping Things Light

When two vegans get in an argument, do you still call it a beef?
Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know…
That car looks nice but its muffler seems exhausted.
I once had a dream I was floating on an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a Fanta-sea.
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
Swimming with sharks is expensive, it cost me an arm and a leg.

YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE: Move Over Dad! These 150 Funny Mom Jokes Will Have You Rolling

Tell Me a Joke – Just Straight Punny Jokes

Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it’s on the house.
What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.
What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.
What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
What do you call a strawberry that kids hit while crossing the street? Traffic jam.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.
What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.
What do clouds wear? Thunderwear.
What’s a robot’s favorite snack? Computer chips.

So, you searched “tell me a joke.” We hope we delivered with some truly funny jokes that you can return to whenever you need a little pick-me-up. Life is tough but humor always helps so laugh your way through it!

Contents

1 Okay, Tell Me a Joke.

About Mamas Uncut

Mamas Uncut is THE online place for moms. We cover the latest about motherhood, parenting, and entertainment as well – all with a mom-focused twist. So if you're looking for parenting advice from real parents, we have plenty of it, all for moms from moms, and also experts. Because, at the end of the day, our mission is focused solely on empowering moms and moms-to-be with the knowledge and answers they’re looking for in one safe space.

-->