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QUESTION: When Should I Tell My Son About His Biological Father?
“My son is seven years old. My husband has been involved and his father since he was eight months old. My husband is all my son has ever known as his father. My husband and I also have a toddler we share together.
My son doesn’t know that my husband is not his bio-dad; for a couple of days, I’ve been struggling, thinking it’s time to tell him. He realizes the different last names and is extremely smart.
His bio dad has not seen him since he was a year old. He claims he wants to be around but in 7 years has made NO attempt, no anything. I’m struggling with how to tell him when the right time is?
I feel in my heart I should give my son a chance to know his bio-dad if my son wants to, but is this the right age to give him a choice? Please help mommas.”
Community Answers
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
“The sooner the better. Age appropriate books may be able to help. The longer you wait the more likely it may no got well. In 7 years, no attempt… I’d ask him to sign over his rights and then your husband can legally adopt him.”
“I have been with my fiancée since my LO was 8 months old. He is now 7. We also now have a 5-month-old together. My son asked me when he was 6 if daddy was there when he was born. I explained to him that no daddy wasn’t there as mummy didn’t know daddy then. He then proceeded to ask how he was born then…
… I told him that mummy really wanted him to love and to be his mummy, and so one Man made him, and Daddy raised him. He knows who his bio father is but barely sees him as he doesn’t live in the same state. He’s very proud of his story and will tell people if they ask ‘that one man made me and my daddy raises and loves me.'”
“Honestly, I think that if you tell him, don’t say your husband isn’t his, just tell him his biological dad wasn’t ready but your husband loved him so much he CHOSE to be his father.”
“I went through this same exact thing. Although my son did know my husband wasn’t his biological dad. But like you said when his younger brother and sister came along he wanted to know why everyone had a different last name. We explained everything more and asked him if he would like my husband to adopt him…
… We made a big ceremony of it and family and friends came and he was so happy. My son was 3 when I met my husband and my son is now almost 27. He says my husband is his father and that’s all that matters. And my son has a son and his real dad has never met him. He says my husband is the only grandfather he needs to know.”
“Tell him he special because your husband got to pick him. He loved him so much he chose to marry you and help raise him. That’s what I told my bonus daughter, because it’s true. Bonus babies are wonderful and should be celebrated for all the wonderful qualities we picked them for, I made my bonus baby a list of reasons I picked her and she keeps it on her wall.”
“I’m in the same boat and I don’t plan on telling him… my SO raised my son and so that to me is a father. If anything, I feel like it will just cause your son confusion and anger possibly.”
“I wasn’t told till I was 17 and I couldn’t thank God more. At 17 you understand better and can process things differently. I personally would leave the subject alone, if his dad isn’t here now then I wouldn’t even bother mentioning him.”
“I went through exactly what your son is going through. I realized I had a different last name when I was 5, and asked my parents why and my mom filled me in. It did not change how I felt about my mom’s husband…he was my dad then and always will be. I say go ahead, 7 is old enough. Good luck!”
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