Some TV shows are more quotable than others and no other program gave us more memorable zingers than The Office. The Office quotes are some of the funniest, zaniest, and even most heartfelt lines delivered in any sitcom. We decided to look to our favorite characters from the series and pull the very best quotes for each character.
As you might imagine some of the funniest The Office quotes were delivered by Steve Carell‘s character, Michael Scott. We kick this list off with quotes from him and then move on to other memorable quotes from your favorite characters. We imagine you will find it impossible to get through the list without laughing, especially if you’re a fan of the show. So, take a moment to savor these funny The Office quotes, and feel free to return whenever you need a pick-me-up!
“I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.”
“Dwight you ignorant sl*t.”
“I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.”
“Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable.”
“It’s not like booze ever killed anyone.”
“Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable.”
“I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. And I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected. Even though I peed on it.”
“I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go.”
“Webster’s Dictionary defines wedding as ‘the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.’”
“I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.”
“Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year.”
“Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.”
“Today, smoking is going to save lives.”
“If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.”
“Who is Justice Beaver?”
“Jim told me you could buy gaydar online.”
More The Office Quotes from Dwight Schrute
“I’m fast. To give you a reference point. I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.”
“It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work.”
“Today, smoking is going to save lives.”
“I can’t use Phyllis! Are you kidding me? The moment she steps off this bar, I’ll be launched into space! God, you’re so insensitive.”
“Everything I have I owe to this job… this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.”
“So this is my life — until I win the lottery. Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books.”
“My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m making Dwight up. He is very real.”
“Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, this would be my career. And, uh, if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.”
“It is not a good time for me to lose my job since I have some pretty big long-term plans in my personal life with Pam that I’d like her parents to be psyched about. So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before: try.”
More The Office Quotes from Jim Halpert
“I am a black belt in gift wrapping.”
“Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug and didn’t seem to realize that it wasn’t his hot coffee. So, the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won’t notice?”
“We didn’t play many video games in Scranton. Instead, we’d do stuff like… uh, Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high-pitched note and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an ear doctor. And, uh, Pam called it… pretendinitis.”
“I think it’s great that the company’s making a commercial, because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers or muffins or mittens or… and frankly, all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.”
“You know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.”
“I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for…at a dinner party.”
“How is it possible that in five years, I’ve had two engagements and only one chair?”
“I’m guessing Angela is the one in the neighborhood that gives the trick-or-treaters toothbrushes, pennies, walnuts.”
“When you’re a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.”
“I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn’t hate me.”
Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn’t hate me.”
“I have decided that I’m going to be more honest. I’m gonna start telling people what I want, directly. So, look out world, ‘cuz ‘ol Pammy is gettin’ what she wants. And, don’t call me Pammy.”
“There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?”
“I did the coal walk, Michael.”
“I suggested we flip a coin, but Angela said she doesn’t like to gamble. Of course, by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn’t smack her.”
“There’s nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach filled with sun, surf, and uh, diligent note-taking.”
“Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. He’s supporting about twenty Nigerian princesses.”
“Be strong. Trust yourself. Love yourself. Conquer your fears. Just go after what you want and act fast, because life just isn’t that long.”
“The man is wearing sandals. I don’t need to see Oscar’s toes at work. Gross! I mean, he looks like he just got off the boat.”
“I am proud to announce that there is a new addition to the Martin family. She’s hypoallergenic. She doesn’t struggle when you try to dress her. She’s a third-generation show cat. Her father was in Meet the Parents. Needless to say, she was very, very expensive.”
“I don’t want to be married in a tent like a hobo.”
“I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out.”
“I don’t talk trash, I talk smack. They’re totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You’re ugly and I know it for a fact ’cause I got the evidence right there.”
“Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you’re not good at interacting with people. But guess what! From now on you guys are no longer losers! So give yourselves a round of applause.”
“Who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of a game is that?”
More The Office Quotes from Kelly Kapoor
“You guys I’m, like, really smart now. You don’t even know. You could ask me, ‘Kelly, what’s the biggest company in the world?’ And I’d be like, ‘blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah.’ Giving you the exact right answer.”
“Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for.”
“Ultimatums are key. Basically, nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.”
“The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is D.M.I. Do you know what that stands for? Dummies, Morons, and Idiots. Because that’s what you’d have to be to own it. And as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers.”
“Look, it doesn’t take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn’t have two presidents; a boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?”
“Well, this is what happened. Uh, Ryan’s big project was the website, which wasn’t doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. Once as offices and once in the website sales, which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard.”
“Besides having sex with men, I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.”
“Michael is leaving. And apparently, they’ve already hired a new manager. And we’re meeting him today. It’s a lot to process — paperwork-wise.”
“I’m glad Michael’s getting help. He has a lot of issues, and he’s stupid.”
“Oh, I don’t think it’s blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do, so I won’t tell everyone that she’s cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.”
“I wonder what people like about me. Probably my jugs.”
“We have a gym at home. It’s called the bedroom.”
“As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it’s nice to be represented on one.”
“Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout.”
More Hilarious The Office Quotes from Phyllis Lapin-Vance
“Blue Wasabi is so good but get the Cheeseburger. They say they won’t do it, but they will if you make a scene.”
“I have been wanting to be Santa for years. I believe I have the right temperament, and the figure to do the job well. I slipped a note to Jim 11 weeks ago, and he said I could do it. It’s been a long journey… but [sniffs] I’m Santa Claus!”
“Yeah! I love going to the bars with Bob. I tend to wear something low-cut, get men to flirt with me. And Bob beats them up… What?”
“If I wanted Jamaican food I’d just hire a bunch of bodyguards and go there.”
“I do enjoy being the head of the Party Planning Committee. I’m no longer under Angela’s heel, and her little grape head is under mine.”
“It’s true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people. But the doctor said, If I can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die.”
“If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.”
“Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.”
“I have been trying to get on jury duty every year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit it in an air-conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch is paid for… that is the life.”
“Yes, I have a dream, and it’s not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there’s a button that I can press and launch that lighthouse into space.”
“I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They’re always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I’m constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don’t get sore too? Do you think I don’t need to know the fastest way to the hospital?”
“It’s like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong, and if you don’t like it, you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I’ll say it to my next one, too.”
“I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But on pretzel day? Well, I like pretzel day.”
“I’ve got a golden ticket idea. Why don’t you skip on up to the roof and jump off?”
“Boy, have you done lost your mind? Cause I’ll help you find it!”
“Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton.”
“Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Scheider.”
“Let’s put a smile on that face.”
“When Pam gets Michael’s old chair, I get Pam’s old chair. Then I’ll have two chairs. Only one to go.”
“I’m not offended by homosexuality. In the ’60s I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain… and it’s possible a man slipped in. [Shrugs] There’d be no way of knowing.”
“In the parking lot today, there was a circus! The copier did tricks on the high-wire. A lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator. A strongman crushed a turtle; I laughed, and I cried. Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company.”
“A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and my cousin, Mufasa, was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests, and um, we all took it really hard.”
“Yeah, I’m not a temp anymore. I got Jim’s old job. Which means at my 10-year high school reunion, it will not say ‘Ryan Howard is a temp.’ It will say, ‘Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm.’ That’ll show ’em.”
“If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I’d ever been here. And I’d forget, too.”
“I miss the days when there was only one party I didn’t want to go to.”
“Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed’s brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I’ve read some of it. Even for the internet, it’s… pretty shocking.”
“There are always a million reasons not to do something.”
“You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath, whew. But I don’t have to tell you Pam.”
“If I was 22, and I had lots of time to have lots of children, then sure, let’s let Michael have a shot at one of ’em. But, honestly, I need to make this one count.”
“People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.”
“Why is this so hard? That’s what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?”
“I am taking a calculated risk. What’s the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside… I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star. Why is this so hard? That’s what she said. Oh my god, what am I saying?”
“Who’s the one who didn’t bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure, I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah, I BMed in the shredder on New Years. But I didn’t bring the lice in. That was all Pam.”
“You’re the people’s princess! Diana was nothing!”
“Tell ya one thing, I’m not gonna be a good mom tonight.”
“Hey everybody, he’s not in the men’s room. Although the seat was warm, so we may have just missed him.”
“I’m always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs.”
“I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.”
“Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them. Because they’re unfair.”
“You give me a gift? Bam! Thank You note. You invite me somewhere? Pow! RSVP. You do me a favor? Wham! Favor returned. Do not test my politeness.”
“Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.”
“How do I find out if a girl is interested? Great question. I usually just assume that they’re not.”
There you go! Did you laugh your way through this list of The Office quotes? We sure hope you enjoyed them and will consider returning to this genuinely brilliant sitcom. As many of us begin returning to our offices after working from home, you might need to revisit this show to prove to you that your office could be way more chaotic!
