A mom writes in asking for advice about her 7-year-old daughter. She says that her daughter has ever only really known one father, who is not her biological father. Her biological father has never been in her life. Her fiancé, however, has been in her daughter’s life as “Papa” for six years. Her daughter, though, is starting to ask questions about why she doesn’t look like her mom and dad. Now, this mom is wondering: Is now a good time to tell her daughter about her biological dad?
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A member of the community asks:
“How should I explain to my daughter about her bio dad?
Hi everyone. Hoping you could all give me a bit of advice. I have a 7-year-old daughter whose biological father has never been in her life. We broke up when she was four months old, and last I heard he’s currently in prison.
My fiancé and I got together when she was one and a half, so for the past six years, he’s been her father. As far as she knows, that is her Papa, but she’s at the age where she is noticing things. My fiancé is Pacific Islander, my daughter has dirty blond hair and blue eyes, and I myself have dark features.
Sometimes she asks why she doesn’t look like me or Papa, etc. So my question is, at what age do I explain to her that even tho her Papa is her dad, that it was someone else that helped make her?”
– Mamas Uncut Community Member
Community Advice for This Mom Who Wants to Know When to Tell Her Daughter About Her Biological Father
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
Advice Summary
The community offered this mom in need a lot of great advice. Read some of their responses below.
“My opinion is if she’s asking, the time is now. You’ll need to be prepared for emotions and questions beforehand of course. I think it’ll offer peace for you once it’s out.”
“It’s hard but you should go ahead and tell her. Maybe not say that he just left or that he’s in prison. But that she has two daddies or something. Explain that one daddy helped make her, but that this daddy is the one that is taking care of her and loves her because the other daddy wasn’t able to be a daddy yet. Or something like that. I wish I had better advice for ya mama.”
“However you choose to explain papa to her, my only advice is to stress how much she is loved and that the man that made her just didn’t know how to love well yet. Didn’t know how to be a dad…
… My older boys are from my first marriage and even though he was literally a terrible person both to me and my oldest when we were together I told them, ‘he loves you he just isn’t in a good place to take care of other people right now. He has to work on him.’ because I didn’t want them to ever feel like they weren’t enough for someone. That they could easily be replaced.'”
“If she’s asking, the time is now. I may leave out the prison portion until she’s older, but make it very basic. ‘When you were born I didn’t know Papa. The man that was with me when you were born left when you were just a tiny baby. He didn’t leave because of you but rather because he and mommy weren’t supposed to be together anymore…
… Even I met Papa I knew he was supposed to be your daddy and he loves you like he’s known you since you were born.’ If she asks about where bio dad is now, you need to say you’re not sure where he is. You’ve lost touch. When she’s older you can give me detail.”
“When I was 10, my mum and who I thought was my dad sat me down and told me I have a different dad. I wish they told me sooner because I knew something was different but they kept brushing it off. Please tell her as soon as possible, just be open and honest. Don’t expect her to be understanding at first, this is a big change for her just give her time to help her through the process be there for her.”
“When she starts to ask you questions. Kids are smart. Don’t lie to her. Tell her the truth. In small bits.”
“Exactly your last words is how I would handle that situation: ‘Papa is the daddy who loves you and takes care of you but (name of bio father) is the daddy I made you with.'”
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