A lesbian couple began exploring their options for starting a family and decided to ask one of the women’s brother if he would donate sperm. He initially agreed to help the couple have children, but then added the caveat that he would only donate if the couple “repays the favor.”
In an AITA Reddit post, one of the women described the situation and asks Redditors for some advice. Getting pregnant for LGBTQ couples is always a challenge, add to that the difficulty of dealing with family and you can wind up in a pickle.
At first, the couple favored adoption. But, then the OP’s partner suggested reaching out to her brother to see if he’d help.
The OP (original poster) and her wife were considering adopting to grow their family. They knew they wanted kids but weren’t sure which option would be best for them. The OP’s wife “suggested asking her older brother to donate sperm.”
The OP explained their reasoning, “They look a lot alike [her partner and her partner’s brother], and they’re really close, and this is the closest we could possibly get to having a child that’s biologically both of ours.”
“The brother said he’d be willing to donate when we’re ready and can’t wait to be an uncle.”
The couple was elated to learn that the OP’s brother-in-law would help them out and donate sperm so that they could have children. They planned on having two kids using his sperm.
He even said that he couldn’t “wait to be an uncle.”
Then, things took a turn.
The brother-in-law and his wife found out that they’re unable to have biological children of their own in the midst of these negotiations. Which caused him to change the terms of the agreement.
She further described the fertility situation. Neither the brother-in-law’s nor the OP’s wife “is able to produce viable eggs or carry to term, so some form of IVF/surrogacy wouldn’t be possible involving either of them, and I’m basically the only chance at biological children for any of us.”
That leaves the OP responsible for carrying a whole bunch of babies to term.
“In short, he wants to make 5 babies with me,” the OP explained. “Again, I know how this sounds, and I wish this was fake. He and his wife want 3 kids, me and my wife want 2. He wants me to go through 5 pregnancies, and he’ll provide the sperm for each one, so biologically all 5 kids will be full siblings, but raised as cousins.”
As you might expect, the OP didn’t feel like the situation was fair.
The OP understands that her brother-in-law would be doing her and her wife a big favor, “but the thing is the amount of time he’d spend creating 5 babies is about an hour or so, and the amount of time I’d spend is nearly 4 years (without recovery time),” she explained.
The thought of 5 pregnancies in rapid succession does seem a touch extreme…
She added, “I was fine with 2 lots of 9 months when I was keeping the babies, but the idea of carrying those 2 plus 3 additional pregnancies where I didn’t keep the babies is a whole other thing.”
Ultimately, they decided to decline the man’s offer.
“We said that was his right to change his mind, but he was asking too much from us.”
The couple decided adoption, their original plan, would be the best option for them. The OP declined the brother-in-law’s offer knowing that he and his wife are not open to the idea of adopting kids themselves. “So now no one is having biological children,” the OP wrote.
Then, things took a darker turn.
After the OP and her wife made the decision to adopt, the brother-in-law decided to play dirty. He told his mother, who then told the entire extended family!
“It appears that just about everyone in my wife’s family believes that we should agree to it and ‘return the favor,'” she explained. “So basically if he gives us children then I should do the same for him, and by the time I’m done everyone has their desired number of biological babies.”
In addition to the OP’s wife’s entire extended family applying pressure, she’s also called her a “hypocrite.”
The brother-in-law can’t seem to figure out that both acts aren’t equal. Meaning, he thinks the few minutes it would take him to ‘create’ sperm equates to the months and years of the OP’s life she’d be pregnant. He even went so far as to call her a “hypocrite.”
“Like I said at the start, my wife and I believe we’re in the right, but we want to hear if we actually are or not and what the other perspective might be in order to know how to proceed.”
The OP asked and Reddit answered.
One person saw full picture and wrote, “They can’t afford a surrogate, so they’re blackmailing OP to be one for free.”
“Three babies in exchange for one jackoff session?!?” one very blunt commenter wrote. “He’s nuts. The family is nuts. Go adopt a baby and congrats to you and your wife.”
“What happens if she gets pregnant once or twice and then isn’t able to carry another?” another commenter smartly asked. “Is there going to be a fight and custody battle? You can’t just say yup, totally going to have five babies with absolute certainty.”
The OP felt vindicated by the thoughtful comments.
The OP offered an update after writing the original AITA post. She goes on to write that she and her wife are indeed “going back to adoption, which was our plan before the brother was even suggested.”
Good for this couple! There are plenty of kids who need loving homes.