In Reddit’s popular thread, Am I The Asshole, one user wrote the internet asking for advice after her husband began treating her like a secretary — while also being expected to manage their kids and the household.
“My F33 husband M37 works full time.” The OP (original poster) wrote. I’m a stay-at-home mom it’s a decision I had to make because of medical problems. He’d help with the kids and house chores like cooking and cleaning. Nothing change but he recently started working from home. He’s very committed to his work.”
“However, he started asking for my assistance a few times a day. Like making him coffee or bringing him a file he left at the couch. I was fine with that but he started asking more and more. Several times an hour. During the time I’d be busy cooking or having guests over and I’d have to excuse myself several times to go see what he needs.”
The OP ended up working extra hours for her husband ON TOP of caring for their kids and their household.
“I found myself doing what secretaries do like arranging appointments with his clients. Copying papers and reports. Bringing him files. Spending time to entertain his clients when he’s in the bathroom or getting dressed. He brought a 2 line landline as a way to ask me to do things for him instead of shouting my name in front of his superiors and clients talking to him did nothing.”
“Yesterday I had my friend over. She went through a loss (a son) and wanted to spend time with me. We were sitting in the backyard. He was in his office. Suddenly I started getting texts from him. My friend was crying when it happened I couldn’t reply to him. The texts kept coming with him asking me to look for a file he left somewhere in the house. I was mad. I turned my phone off til my friend left.”
And as you guessed — her husband was not too happy with that.
“My husband walked out of his office looking pissed asking why the hell I had my phone turned off and ignored his texts. I snapped reminding him that I already told him about my friend visiting and needing my support. Besides that, I already said I won’t be taking any more requests from him. I flat out yelled telling him I’m not his secretary and asked whether he’s trying to turn me into one. He said “No no no of course not silly, why would you think that”.
“After arguing back and forth he yelled that he was the middle of an important meeting and didn’t want to leave but had to so he could find the file he asked me to look for and it took him a long time which was unprofessional of him. Then went on about how he’s trying to focus on his job and maintaining a professional working relationship with his superiors to be able to continue to provide for his family and his kids. And there was nothing wrong with me helping out with his work since he helps out around the house.”
“He then said he didn’t want to argue and wanted to resolve this democratically but I left him no choice. Then left after that. He’s been [quiet] ever since the argument. Did I overreact here? Was I wrong?”
One person said: “Unless he’s willing to be on call when you need him, at the drop of a hat, to help with kids, household tasks, errands, etc, then it seem like your roles aren’t being valued equally. Because you have to drop your job when he needs the slightest thing. So either he leaves a meeting to help you with meal prep, or he does his own job and you do yours. An occasional hand is one thing. But he’s taken advantage of you and needs a course correction. NTA.”
While another said: “NTA. You are not there to be his assistant. You are there to take care of your children and manage the house. My dad always told me “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine”. In short, handle your own shit.”
What do you think? Be sure to comment below!
With a background in the creative and educational fields, Amelia Finefrock is freelance writer, singer-songwriter and nanny based in Chicago.
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