Well, many of us have been spending a little too much time together with our significant others. And, it shows. Social distancing, stay at home orders, and other restrictions have resulted in copious amounts of time being spent (trapped) at home with our families. This means that many of us are learning (resenting) more about our partners than we previously thought possible.
In light of the precarious familial situation we now find ourselves in, we decided to find the funniest tweets about marriage as told by wives and moms. Because the best place to air one’s grievances is Twitter, the tweets about husbands tend to be hilarious, bordering on genius observations. Here are 25 funny tweets from moms about husbands that will make you feel seen.
Not Hot, But Bothered
Husband: Does it bother you when I —— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 12, 2020
This tweet somehow embodies the phrase, “don’t waste your breath.” We’re big fans of Jessie‘s tweets and her pronouncements about marriage.
Knowledge is Power
I don’t fake headaches to get out of sex with my husband. I bring up past girlfriends and the fact that his favorite team sucks as God intended.— Maryfairyboberry????????♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) June 13, 2020
There’s more than one way to skin a cat. Here, we learn that faking a headache is not the only way to get out of sex. Instead, hit below the belt and bring up old flames and the fact that the Patriots continue to cheat.
The Empty Gesture
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) June 10, 2020
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
A word of advice to husbands: cook. They make entire books about it and everything!
My husband leaves water glasses lying around like he’s preparing for an invasion of water sensitive aliens.— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) June 10, 2020
This, this, this, right here! How many glasses of water does one man need?
Jessie, Queen of Telling It Like it Is
Husband: *clipping his toenails* Can you imagine being single right now?— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 8, 2020
There’s a time and place for everything. We would all be wise to remember this when posing a weighted question.
A Turn On
Remember 4 months ago when I accused you of throwing something away… I found it under the bed this morning.— luke i am your mother (@MommaUnfiltered) June 5, 2020
~ marriage sext
Is the joke that the husband actually tossed something out or that he got blamed for doing so? At any rate, finding reasons to love is the name of the game.
She’s Not Okie Dokie
My husband says things like “Later Tater” and “Let’s skiddaddle”.— ⓑⓞⓤⓙⓔⓔ Muɳcɦkiɳ ???????????????? (@bombmunchkin) June 10, 2020
Marriage changes you. In an attempt to keep things upbeat, this husband has fallen into the cutesy-wootsy word trap.
She’s Over Okie Dokie
I never thought I’d be married to a man who says ‘okie dokie’ yet here I am.— ????ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ???? (@3sunzzz) March 21, 2020
Avoiding confrontation is a sport and a necessity when you’re married. The unoffensive “okie dokie” is just an attempt to avoid carnage.
Such a Mess
Me: *just finished cleaning toilets*— Marcy G ???? (@BunAndLeggings) July 4, 2020
Husband: can I pee in our bathroom?
Me: you can pee outside
Wouldn’t life be so much better if we, as a culture, brought back the outhouse? Moms, of course, would never have to use it. The scenic latrine would be reserved for the husband and children’s use.
Where There’s a Will…
Instead of asking my husband to do something, I just casually mention 300 times that it needs to be done and hope he picks up what I’m putting down. And so far, this strategy has been wildly unsuccessful.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 3, 2020
When passive-aggressive hints aren’t doing the trick, it’s time to drop the passive and move on to plain aggression. You live and you learn.
To Each Their Own
Marriage is having separate tubes of toothpaste because your spouse squeezes it wrong— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 5, 2020
100%. There’s just no other way. It defies reason that a grown adult has made it so far in life without learning to properly use one of the simplest inventions known to man.
Listen: I just found out that my husband eats spaghetti with a spoon so I can’t listen to your problems right now.— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) May 15, 2020
Discovering that your partner does things differently is what marriage is all about. The idea is that you both learn new things from each other and… Yeah, right! Some things are just dead-wrong.
Why Do They Do It?
Someone please tell my husband it’s not necessary to have the TV volume on blast at all times— Danielle Owojaiye (@simmsdanielleee) July 13, 2020
A husband’s feeble attempt to try and tune out the world is utterly futile. Turn the TV down or suffer the consequence of aggressive nail-filing in very close proximity.
Miracles Do Happen
When my husband does a chore without me asking. pic.twitter.com/PYBs28yOFB— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) May 15, 2020
This stunning portrait captures the moment well.
My husband just got back from the gym and took a nap on the freshly washed sheets and he could have just told me he wanted a divorce— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) January 6, 2020
A spouse has the superpower of knowing how to completely undo a task that took you a considerable amount of time in a mere matter of seconds. That being said, employing some common sense every once in a while can generally help you avoid the dissolution of a marriage.
The Hopeless Romantic
My husband surprised me with a night out to celebrate the anniversary of our first date. I was reminded of the man I fell in love with.— She Writes Good (@GoodSheWrites) December 23, 2019
We arrived at the theater and learned the movie was playing at a different location a full hour earlier. I was reminded of the man I married.
This is a perfect tweet. Once we all learn that the S.O. we fell in love with is a completely different individual than the S.O. we married, things will be much easier.
Someone Needs Space
Anyone ever put your spouse on speakerphone cuz you’re so mad that you don’t want to be “near them”?— The Vagina Diary (@thevaginadiary) January 6, 2020
Distance makes the heart grow fonder, even if that means pulling your phone away from your face. We’ve all done irrational things in a heated moment. No shame in that game.
Not His Recap
Me: Do you want to watch this show with me?— Northern Lights ???????????? (@PinkCamoTO) December 22, 2019
Husband: No thanks. You go ahead.
*6 episodes later*
Husband: So who’s that guy? Why’s he doing that? Wasn’t he doing that other thing before? Hey, where are you going?
Contrary to popular belief, a wife does not hold the answers to all of life’s mysteries.
Married Life Comes at You Fast
*watching husband sleep*— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-“
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
The peaks and valleys of married life are ridden more like a rollercoaster than a leisurely road trip. Buckle up!
Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.— beth, uprising enthusiast (@bourgeoisalien) May 3, 2016
This tweet from four years ago somehow feels perfectly timely. Ever since the pandemic, we keep noticing every little cough. Did we all sound like this before?
Coffee is Love, Love is Life
“You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much, he makes her coffee,” I explain to my kids while looking at my husband.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) February 17, 2017
The old, instruct-your-husband-to-do-a-thing-you-want-by-explaining-why-the-thing-is important-to-the-children trick. Works like a charm every time!
Playing Dirty to Get Him to Clean
I lean over and whisper to my husband who’s on a call. “Bedroom?” He catches my eye, nods his agreement. I slip away, into the bedroom and yes, that’s where he’s left all the sodding mugs, plates, cutlery…— Hannah (@tasteinmyhead) July 13, 2020
How hard is it to get a spouse to pick up after themselves? People have to go to the lengths of feigning a sexual advance. What a world.
My husband shaved his beard this morning and this was my reaction but in a good way pic.twitter.com/ycpSSxCAGW— Chelsea Marie (@chels_bel) July 13, 2020
No one sets out to marry Grizzly Adams, but it ends up that way for some. Oh, what a smooth day this must have been!
Have you seen my…?
Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) July 17, 2015
This would be funny if it weren’t painfully true. Between the children losing everything and the husband not putting the car keys in the right place, it’s a wonder many wives have not lost their minds.
How Hard is this Ask, Really?
Me on deathbed: One last thing before I die?— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) January 22, 2016
Husband: *in tears* Yes?
M: Change the toilet paper roll
H: *pulls out my breathing tubes*
A mom’s work is never done. Just do the things! It’s not rocket science.
There you go! 25 tweets from wives about their husbands that range from painfully true to hilariously over the top. We hope you enjoyed these very funny tweets and didn’t let the fires of resentment swell within you.
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