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QUESTION: Will My Boyfriend Ever Prioritize Me and My Feelings Over His Mother?
“My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years; will he ever choose me over his parents, primarily his mother?
Last December he graduated college and moved back home and got a job. He’s living at home to save money for ‘us.’ We only get to see each other on the weekends because I am still in school. 4/5 days of the week he texts his mother and asks what’s for dinner. Often when I go to their house, she has done his laundry for him. Washed, dried, and folded.
I am always ignored when I go to their house, and recently she made a post that said, ‘I’m the cheerleader who has always told him he’d be successful.’ When I confronted him, he said, ‘there’s nothing wrong with supportive parents.’ She comments on everything he posts and doesn’t even ‘like’ posts that have anything to do with me. When I ask, he doesn’t acknowledge it.
When I go to church with them, I am treated as if I’m not even sitting there. Meaning she will make all conversations about people/events/things that I have no idea about. She won’t say good morning or hello either. She gossips to him during the service. I have gone so far as to put myself in the middle, and she leans around me. When I ask him, he says, ‘you’re dramatic. You weren’t ignored.’
When she hears him on the phone, she always yells to talk to him, and he puts me on hold. (Him upstairs, her downstairs.) Anytime I text and try to be nice and communicate gifts like birthday and Christmas, I’m ignored, and he says, ‘y’all are miscommunicating over text.’
He turns 23 in 2 days, and I’m afraid this will never stop and I don’t believe it’s normal at this point. Am I overreacting?”
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
“A man is supposed to put his wife before ALL others, not his girlfriend. Sounds like you’re a little jealous of his relationship with his mom. Also sounds like you’re getting under his skin with your responses and won’t be his girlfriend for too much longer.”
“He’s 23 and she’s still doing his laundry and cooking for him? It’s one thing to have a healthy relationship with your mom but she’s clearly still babying him. Honestly I’d be kind of worried that he’s going to be expecting you to do the same when y’all live together.. it’s pretty clear that she will. Honestly I’d walk away just based on the maturity level. Are you sure he’s actually ready to start a life with you? Idk I just get the feeling it’s going to escalate and get worse if y’all do live together.”
“If you have that many issues with their relationship you might as well end it. You’ve been with him 2.5 years and she’s been with him 23 years.”
“Don’t ever make a boy choose between his momma and you. That’s all.”
“Consider yourself lucky that you’re only 2.5 years in. If he won’t insist that she treats you with respect, he is definitely not somebody that you want to marry or have kids with! Mother-in-laws like that certainly contribute to postpartum depression and divorce. If they’re throwing up this many red flags, throw up your white flag and peace out.”
“She doesn’t like you. He doesn’t seem to care, you should break up with him.”
“If a man turns his back on his mother, the future girlfriend or wife needs to be real worried.”
“I hear what you’re saying. I feel right now, that you are just dating. If you were living together or married it should be different. There comes a time when your partner comes before your parents and other people. But I do not think you’re at that stage right now. And based on what you have said, it might not happen.”
“Run! It won’t ever change! And the fact he doesn’t say anything to her about how she treats you says something right there.”
“You are not overreacting. That is a mama’s boy! He clearly is not ready to let go of mama’s skirt. Time to get yourself a man, honey!”
“No, he will never choose you over his mom if hasn’t already, and you’re not overreacting. If you don’t want him to continue to accept her treatment of you, the only solution is to end the relationship. Good luck!”
“You’re overreacting. You are important, his mom is important but you are his girlfriend. Relationships come and go but his mom is gonna be there until she dies. Both my parents are dead. Both my husbands parents are dead. So trust me when I tell you that his time with her is more important. You should honestly be grateful that he has a good relationship with her, and try to have one too. Ask her for recipes, or to see his baby pictures. Don’t wait for an invite, just call her and tell her you’d like to spend time with her. It may change your perspective.”
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