“Hi.” This is how Chrissy Teigen began the op-ed she wrote one month after losing her son Jack at 20-weeks gestation. As Mamas Uncut previously reported, Teigen had taken a month away from social media and her professional life to privately grief the heartbreaking loss she, her husband John Legend, and the rest of her family had endured.
The op-ed, which was published on Medium on October 27, is Teigen reintroduction back to her everyday life. “I had no idea when I would be ready to write this,” Teigen went on to admit. “Part of me thought it would be early on when I was still really feeling the pain of what happened. I thought I would sit in the corner of my bedroom with the lights dimmed, just rolling off my thoughts. I’d have a glass of red wine, cozy up with a blanket, and finally, get the chance to address ‘what happened.'”
However, it would take weeks before Teigen would be able to muster up the energy to explained everything. And even now Teigen writes that she doesn’t “really know how I would start this, no matter the room or state I was in, but it feels right to begin with a thank you.”
“For weeks, our floors have been covered in flowers of kindness. Notes have flooded in and have each been read with our own teary eyes. Social media messages from strangers have consumed my days, most starting with, ‘you probably won’t read this, but…’. I can assure you, I did,” Teigen told her beloved fans.
But the best notes, Chrissy Teigen admits, started with, “You don’t have to respond to this, but…”
“After we first lost Jack, I found myself incredibly worried that I wasn’t able to thank everyone for their extreme kindness. Many shared incredible personal experiences, some shared books and poems. I wanted to thank everyone, share our story with each individual person. But I knew I was in no state to. For me, the “no need to respond” note was such a true relief. I thank you for each and every one of those.”
As Teigen continued, she would go on to explain the events that took place the day she met and said goodbye to her boy Jack. She talked about one of the “standout moments” from that night, which was the cheering she and John heard as she was being wheeled into the delivery room.
It was so loud and enthusiastic, most likely the celebration of a new life being brought into the world, that John said, “What, is there a f*cking party going on here??” Teigen admitted that while they were in the labor and delivery wing of the hospital and that the audible celebration was understandable, “You kind of wonder how anyone is thinking about anyone but you.”
“At this point, I had already come to terms with what would happen,” Teigen wrote. “I would have an epidural and be induced to deliver our 20-week-old, a boy that would have never survived in my belly (please excuse these simple terms).”
Prior to this moment, Teigen had been on bed rest for over a month. Her and her doctors’ intentions were to get Teigen to 28-weeks gestation, “a ‘safe’ zone for the fetus.”
“My doctors diagnosed me with partial placenta abruption. I had always had placenta problems. I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta. But this was my first abruption. We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop. In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in.”
In fact, Teigen said the “fluid around Jack had become very low — he was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly.” But Teigen attempted to stay positive, keeping the faith that she would make it to 28 weeks.
It was after several days in the hospital that her doctors revealed that it was time to say goodbye to Jack.
“He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either. We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all. Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full-blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness. Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness.”
Yet it was a moment she didn’t want to forget and that’s why she asked her mom and husband to take photos of that heartbreaking moment. “I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story.”
And your opinions of those photos are of no use to Teigen. Then came the moment she delivered him.
“I laid there for hours, waiting to be told it was time to push. I obviously never had to dilate much, he was still a tiny little guy. I had been laying on my side, switching sides every hour or so, whenever the nurse told me to. I remember laying on my right side, looking opposite of John, when I was told to make my switch. I opened my legs and started to turn to face John and just like that, he was on his way out. The doctors yelled for a bit and…I don’t know what to say, even now. He was out. My mom, John, and I each held him and said our own private goodbyes, mom sobbing through Thai prayer. I asked the nurses to show me his hands and feet and I kissed them over and over and over again. I have no idea when I stopped. It could have been 10 minutes or an hour.”
The Thing that Will Haunt Teigen the Most.
The way in which Jack entered the world made Teigen question, how long was he waiting to be delivered for? “Just writing it makes my nose and eyes tingle with tears. All I know now is his ashes are in a small box, waiting to be put into the soil of a tree in our new home, the one we got with his room in mind,” Teigen shared.
Now, Teigen says there is a hole in her heart, but it is not empty. It is full with the love she will always have for her son, Jack. “I find myself randomly crying, thinking about how happy I am to have two insanely wonderful little toddlers who fill this house with love,” but she always cries because she’s mad. Mad that she allows herself to feel happiness, despite the tragedy.
“I always forget I’m not pregnant anymore. I hold my belly when I walk around. I have a moment of freak out when the kids jump on my non-existent bump. The clarity after these moments always make me sad.”
In the end, she is thankful. Thankful for all the love and support she has received during this difficult time. And that is why she is encouraging moms who have gone through something similar to share their stories.
“Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see. Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky.”
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