A mom writes in asking for advice about her daughter’s relationship with her biological father. This. mom says she recently learned that the girl’s father — whom this mom has not been with for a long time — bathes naked in the tub with his daughter. This mom is concerned about this behavior, but should she be?
A member of the community asks:
“Should I be concerned that my child’s father bathes with her?
Hello everyone, so this question is about my daughter and her biological father. Her father and I have never been together since my daughter was born, even during my pregnancy, I have done it alone. Ever since she was 1-year old I filed for full custody and since then has he only been interested in seeing her and being in her life. My ex and I do not get along but we keep things civil when he has her every second weekend.
My daughter is now 4 will be 5 in August. I was giving her a bath and she asked me why boys “pee-pee” (genitals) look different than girls and I had asked her where she has seen one and she told me her daddy gets naked and gets in the tub with her when he baths her… it shocked the heck out of me because I feel she’s old enough where you should not be doing that naked if you have a bathing suit on that fine but I feel as though 4 is a little old. Am I wrong for freaking out? And what should I say to ask him about this?”
Community Advice for This Mom Who Is Concerned About Her Daughter Bathing with Her Biological Father
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
The community offered this mom in need a lot of great advice. Read some of their responses below.
“You’re not doing it on your own. He is in her life when you allow it and I’m sure your child is fine… Your mind is in the gutter.”
“If she’s old enough to say ‘what’s that’ then that needs to stop. With my niece, she sits in the bath with me on the floor. And she plays… And she is one.”
“I still shower with my boys (7 and 5) because it’s just easier to all get in together, and they know the difference between genders. I think my 7 yr old is just about ready to start showering on his own, but at 4 I don’t think it’s weird at all.”
“My son is two and 10 months and I bathe with them but when they start noticing that we are different and or making comments is when I think it would be time to stop. I’d maybe talk to dad and say something like ‘hey, I’ve noticed our daughter asking more questions about why we look the way we do and maybe she’s old enough now to wash herself with supervision/checking on her just to make sure she’s not drowning or making a mess.'”
“He is her father, and it is not wrong. But it does seem she is too old if she is asking questions.”
“Have a calm conversation with him and say she’s too old point-blank. Don’t beat around the bush, just be blunt and say “the child told me this is happening it needs to stop shes to old.” Don’t run to the police; it’s probably innocent like you said he gets her every 2nd weekend and not from day 1 so really he hasn’t spent a lot of time with her. He is probably just more scared of her drowning and hasn’t thought of the fact some would consider it inappropriate. He probably hasn’t even thought of his daughter noticing their differences because he isn’t looking at her that way, he isn’t thinking of her that way. There probably isn’t a single thought in his mind regarding either of their parts so he more than likely doesn’t think SHE’S thinking of their parts. Just tell him it needs to stop, don’t go to crazy town yet. If it doesn’t stop then follow the Psycho Sallies and get someone involved…”
“I personally wouldn’t like it. I used to bathe with my daughter once in a while until she was about 2. Now, she’s nearly 4 and if she really wants me to get a bath with her, I put my bathing suit on. My husband would *never* be naked in front of her, by his own choice. I have weird feelings and opinions about it being someone who was allegedly sexually abused as a child. At the end of the day, I think it’s something you & him should discuss as adults. If he really presses it after you state you’re truly uncomfortable with it, I might worry a bit. It’s not something that’s remotely essential to your child’s development, so it shouldn’t be a big argument. If he understands your concern, awesome. That’s just my opinion. All families are different in how they raise their children. As long as your child is happy, healthy and well-adjusted, that’s the main thing.”
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