Time to get your mind in the gutter with some truly offensive and utterly vile dirty jokes. If you have a dark or twisted sense of humor, and let’s face it most of us do, you will get a kick from jokes that really “go there.” We suppose there are folks out there who don’t like dirty jokes, but can they even be trusted?
We wanted to discover the most inappropriate jokes so we took a deep dive and curated a list of 150 dirty jokes for you to enjoy. These funnies are not for the light of heart so consider yourself warned that it’s not going to be all fun and games. Some jokes will disgust you, others will make you question your faith in humanity. Buckle up and get ready to laugh with these heinous dirty jokes!
Check Out These Offensive Dirty Jokes for Adults Only!
Hilarious Dirty Jokes About Sex
- An elderly couple gets ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed, but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ”Why are you going to sleep on the floor?” The old woman replies, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”
- Heckler: “Do people love your comedy?” / Comedian: “I’ve never laughed a man into bed, but I’ve laughed one out of it many times.”
- A husband is supposed to make his wife’s panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband’s d**k hard, not his life.
- Two sex workers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the sex workers said, “Yep, it’s gonna be a good night, I smell c**k in the air.” / The other sex worker looked at her and replied, “No, no. I just burped.”
- A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell scrotum?” / Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night — it was on the tip of my tongue.”
- I tried phone sex once. But… the holes were too small.
More Dirty Jokes About Sex
- What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum!
- If you were born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
- What’s the difference between being kinky and being perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather. Perverted is when you use the whole bird.
- A guy walks into a bar, and another guy says, “I slept with my wife before we were married. Did you?” / The other guy says, “I don’t know. What was her maiden name?”
- Boyfriend: “Want a quickie?” / Girlfriend: “As opposed to what?”
- What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? The sex drive.
More Sexy Dirty Jokes
- An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.” “You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”
- A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!” / The woman replies, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”
- What do you call two jalapeños having sex? F***ing hot!
- Why do walruses enjoy a Tupperware party? They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.
- My S.O. told me that sex is better on vacation. It wasn’t the best postcard I’ve ever received.
- How do people in a long-distance relationship get laid? They have a sex drive.
Raunchy Dirty Jokes
- What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
- Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm? You never know how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
- Life is like a penis. It’s often hard for no reason.
- Why is being in the military like getting a blowjob? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
- After a decade, authorities are still in pursuit of the Viagra thief. He’s just too hard to catch.
- What do you get when you screw a textbook? A D in math.
More Raunchy Dirty Jokes
- Why did the sperm cross the road? Because a man put the wrong sock in that morning.
- What do a bridge game and sex have in common? If you don’t have a good partner, you’ll need a really good hand.
- We’ve just gotten into tantric sex… It’s been a long time coming.
- What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologize.
- What did the woman say when her boyfriend cried after sex? “I had you pegged for somebody else.”
- A worm crawls out of a pile of spaghetti. It says, “D**n, that was one hell of an orgy!”
Keep the Dirty Jokes at a 100 Raunch Level
- What does the horny toad say? “Rub it.”
- Everybody knows Eve wore a fig leaf. But what did Adam wear? A hole in it.
- Convincing my husband to take viagra was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
- My wife says if 1,000 people upvote this joke, she’ll try anal right then and there. So don’t vote until Tuesday. She’s on a business trip.
- What is the speed limit in bed? It’s 68. Once you hit 69, you have to turn back around.
- I just had sex on an elevator. It was great on so many levels.
More Gross Dirty Jokes About Sex
- What do you do if a wife starts smoking? Slow down and use some lube.
- Why did Popeye punch the Pope? He heard he went to Mount Olive.
- What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
- What did the penis say to a condom? “Cover me. I’m going in.”
- What did the banana tell the vibrator? Why are you shaking? I’m the one who’s about to get eaten!
- What did a penis say to a vagina? “Don’t make me come in there!”
Even More Filthy Dirty Jokes About Sex
- What’s the one difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
- What did Adam say to Eve? “Stand back!! I don’t know how big this thing’s gonna grow.”
- What’s better than pansies on a piano? Tulips on your organ.
- What’s another name for a diaphragm? A trampoline for d**ks.
- What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? Men will actually search for a golf ball.
- What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear the other is a great year!
Inappropriate Dirty Jokes About Sex
- My girlfriend told me she always smokes after sex. I told her we should use more lubricant the next time.
- Why is winning the lottery like having sex with triplets? For both, you can say you’ve had six identical balls.
- What does Popeye use as a lubricant? Olive Oyl.
- Why did the d**k go crazy? Someone was messing with his head.
- The other day I was so frustrated I yelled out, “F**k my life.” Unfortunately, the neighbor heard, “F**k my wife!”
- Why is masturbation just like procrastination? All’s well until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.
The Gross Sex Dirty Jokes Just Won’t Stop!
- What turns a clown on? Balloon blow-up dolls.
- What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? It’s clearly not what it looks like.
- Beer Bottle: “You break me, you get one year of bad luck!” / Mirror: “You kiddin’ me? You break me, then y’all get seven years of bad luck!” / Condom: “Hahaha… (Condom walks away laughing)”
- What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? “Beat it! We’re closed.”
- What’s the difference between a G-spot and a clitoris? Men don’t care.
- A guy sits in the doctor’s office. / The doctor walks in and says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” “I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says. “Why?” / “Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you.”
Really, Knock It Off!
- What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis? A man.
- What’s the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
- What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef-strokin’-off.
- Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his partner passed away.
- What are the three shortest words in the English language? Is it in?
- Sex is like a burrito. Don’t unwrap it or that baby’s in your lap.
Random Dirty Jokes
- What do you call a discount circumcision? A rip-off.
- Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with paper and pencil.
- Did you hear about the dude who got turned into a giant penis? He was a real d**k about it.
- My girlfriend asked me if I smoke after sex. I said, “I haven’t looked.”
- What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? “I want you inside me.”
- “I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time,” a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then replies, “Your penis is bigger than your brother’s.”
Even More Hilarious Dirty Jokes
- What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees.
- What do you call a person who doesn’t masturbate? A liar.
- What did the clitoris say to the vulva? “It’s all good in the ‘hood.”
- “Give it to me! Give it to me!” she screamed. “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could yell all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
- Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra pills. The authorities put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
- A man walks out of the shower, winks at his boyfriend, and says, “Babe, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?” He replies, “Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.”
RELATED: 155 Best Dark Humor Jokes
Heinous Dirty Jokes
- How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach? It’s not hard.
- They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the h*ll runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
- What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this crap.
- How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle the balls.
- What do you do when your cat’s dead? Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.
- What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls? A white Christmas!
Keep Giggling with These Dirty Jokes
- What is six inches long, two inches wide, and makes everyone go crazy? A $100 bill.
- I’ll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
- A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him… by the organ.
- What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name? Papa Boner.
- What’s long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog’s fingers!
- What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam!
Even More Dirty Jokes That Will Crack You Up
- What did one boob say to the other boob? If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.
- Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
- What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor!
- What do you get when you cross a d*ck with a potato? A dictator!
- My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing in the nude. I’m personally on the fence.
- “I’d rather go through the pain of childbirth all over again than let you drill in my mouth,” the woman explained to her dentist. / “Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair,” he replied.
Yes, Even More Dirty Jokes
- How is life like toilet paper? You’re either on a roll or taking s**t from someone.
- What did the leper say to the sex worker? Keep the tip.
- What do you call an expert fisherman? A Master Baiter.
- What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
- Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry.
- What comes after 69? Mouthwash.
Keep the Laughs at 100 with These Dirty Jokes
- Why does the mermaid wear seashells? She outgrew her B-shells.
- Why did the mustard blush? He saw the salad dressing.
- How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
- What did the elephant ask a naked man? “How do you breathe out of that thing?”
- What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
- If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?
Puns as Dirty Jokes
- A pearl necklace would go well with that dress.
- That submarine is long, hard, and full of seamen.
- Why is Santa’s sack is so big? He only comes once every year.
- My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar. I’m going to have to fill her slot instead.
- Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
- When should condoms be used? Every conceivable situation.
More Puns as Dirty Jokes
- That tea bag was surprisingly better the second time around.
- I got mad at my bae for pulling out. I told him it was a d**k move.
- Let’s play carpenter. First we’ll get hammered, then, I’ll nail you.
- My friend met a male porn actor the other day. She told me he was really cocky.
- Constipation is such a pain in the *ss.
- What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snow balls.
Even More Puns as Dirty Jokes
- It’s not that the man didn’t know how to juggle. He just didn’t have the balls to do it.
- Sex on TV can’t hurt. Unless you fall off of it.
- A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. Authorities are looking into it.
- What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? You better hold onto your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job.
- I’m trying to finish writing a script for an adult film. But, there are too many holes in the plot.
- What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare? A sunken chest and no booty.
Dirty Jokes Inspired by Disney
- Why did the seven dwarves end up jail? They sold all their gems for hi-hoes!
- What is Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out? Wendy’s.
- Did you hear how Captain Hook died? Jock itch.
- What do you call a nanny that doesn’t flush? Mary Poopins.
- What do Viagra and Disney Land have in common? They both make you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.
- Why doesn’t Thumper make noise during sex? He’s got cotton balls.
More Dirty Jokes Inspired by Disney
- Why do the seven dwarfs laugh when they play soccer? The grass tickles their balls.
- How can you tell you’re in bed with a Muppets puppeterer? Really good hand jobs.
- What did Winnie the Pooh say to his new lover? Show me the honey!
- What do the 101 Dalmatians say after sex? That hit the spot.
- What did Genie say to Aladdin? Run me three times and I will come.
- What are the best-selling Disney sex toys? Woody & Buzz.
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Knock Knock Dirty Jokes
- Knock, knock. / Who’s there? / Dewey! / Dewey who? / Dewey see a condom? It’s dark in here!
- Knock, knock. / Who’s there? / Europe. / Europe who? / I am not a POO! HOW DARE YOU!
- Knock, knock. / Who’s there? / Ben. / Ben who? / Ben down and lick my boots!
- Knock, knock.
- Who’s there? / Ivana. / Ivana who? / Ivana kiss your lips off.
- Knock, knock. / Who’s there? / Tanaka! / Tanaka who? / Tanaka you up!
More Knock Knock Dirty Jokes
- Knock, knock. / Who’s there? / Jamaican. / Jamaican who? / Jamaican me horny.
- Knock, knock. / Who’s there? / Tara. / Tara who? / Tara McClosoff.
- Knock, knock. / Who’s there? / Ivanna Seymour. / Ivanna Seymour who? / Ivanna Seymour Butts.
- Knock, knock. / Who’s there? / Anita! / Anita who? / Anita you right now!
- Knock, knock. / Who’s there? / Ben Hur. / Ben Hur who? / Ben hur up!
- Knock, knock. / Who’s there? / Ice cream. / Ice cream who? / Ice cream all night if you’re lucky.
There you go! We hope you got a kick out of all of these dirty jokes even though you know they are so, so wrong. Dirty humor has and always will be a venue for entertainment in the US. Just be careful who you share these jokes with as they are likely offensive and not appropriate to share in professional settings!