A mom writes in asking for advice about taking her fiancé’s last name. She says that she already has two last names, and she is the only one of her siblings who has her mother’s last name. Therefore, she does not really want to change her name. She says it doesn’t feel right. Her fiancé, however, is upset by this. He says he feels ’emasculated.’ She adds that her fiancé’s father is also upset about her decision not to take the last name. What should she do?
A member of the community asks:
“My fiancé is upset that I do not want to take his last name: Advice?
I need advice. My fiancé is upset because I don’t want to take his last name when we get married. He said he would feel ’emasculated’ if I don’t. His father is mad about it too. I have both my mother’s and my father’s last names. I’m the only out of my siblings that got my mom’s last name. Changing my last name or adding a new one doesn’t feel right to me. I also wish he would understand my point of view. Anyone else have this problem?”
Community Advice for This Mom Whose Fiancé Feels Emasculated Because She Doesn’t Want to Take His Last Name
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
The community offered this mom in need a lot of great advice. Read some of their responses below.
“If you don’t want to take his name, don’t. If he’s really that ’emasculated’ send him to therapy.”
“I kept mine when I got married. If he won’t support something that small, he isn’t worth marrying. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship.”
“I wouldn’t marry someone who feels that they have a right to tell me what I can and cannot do based on their toxic feelings. He needs therapy for those feelings. It’s your name, it’s your choice. Sounds like someone is having fragile masculinity issues.”
“The issue I see is when you have children. I think it’s important for children to have the last name of their parents. It’s not always possible, but it can provide continuity and a feeling of belonging as a family (team). My thoughts.”
“If you don’t want to change it, don’t. If your fiancé’s masculinity depends on you taking his last name, therapy might be useful. I didn’t want to change my last name but my husband wanted us to have the same last name so he took mine. Regardless, it’s a long, important conversation y’all need to have. It took my husband and me literally years to decide what to do.”
“It’s 100% up to you, but I would say if you guys plan to have children together, it would make sense for you all to have the same last name or you may at least want to discuss whose name they would take now to avoid another argument in the future.”
“Your name, your choice. You’re the one that has to answer to it. Personally, I took my husband’s last name, not because society wanted me to but because I wanted us both to have the same last name as our children and I personally don’t like hyphenated last names. Whatever you choose to do, choose it for your reasons, not because others tell you that you should. If he can’t respect your decision about your own life, it sounds like you’re better off without him.”
“I get his knee-jerk desire to want you to take his last name. It’s a deeply embedded tradition in some parts of the world. However, it’s grossly misogynistic and rooted in possession. I’ve gotten more strongly feminist as I’ve aged, and if I were getting married today, I would not change my name… If you feel STRONGLY about this, you keep your name. He doesn’t get to pressure you into changing your identity because HE wants you to.”
“I kept my last name and it was fine — if your fiancé has issues about that , it’s his problem and there’s more going on with him. It’s not about the name, it’s about the life together. He sounds incredibly insecure.”
“Tell him you are his partner, not his possession. Traditionally a wife takes her husband’s name to signify ownership. She would belong to her father (with his last name) until given to a man to then take his name to show a change in ownership. If having the same name is so important to him tell him you want him to take yours.”
“He can change his?”
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