105 Funny Baby Quotes That You’ll Relate To

Andrew Kreeger

2 years ago

Babies are wonderful but it can easily feel overwhelming to care for them on bad days. That’s where funny baby quotes come in to remind you that being a parent is a very special blessing. These quotes are so relatable because there are universal truths out there about being a parent and how babies shape us. By poking fun at parenthood, these funny baby quotes allow us to gain some perspective and to recalibrate in a positive way.

We’ve rounded up some of our favorite funny baby quotes, many of which come from thought leaders and even celebrities. They act as little pick-me-ups that comment on the absurdity that we all experience while trying to raise our little ones. Be prepared for hearty laughter as many of these quotes are downright hilarious. Enjoy!

Discover the Sweetest Funny Baby Quotes Below!

Funny Baby Quotes from Dads

“A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.” — Unknown
“No matter which kid’s book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.” — Ryan Reynolds
“Babies are such a nice way to start people.” — Don Herold
“Make no mistake about why these babies are here — they are here to replace us.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“There are only two things a child will share, willingly communicable diseases and his mother’s age.” — Dr. Benjamin Spock

Overwhelmed Funny Baby Quotes

“When kids hit one-year-old, it’s like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold on to them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit.” — Johnny Depp
“A toddler can do more in one unsupervised moment than most people can do all day.” — Unknown
“You will always be your child’s favorite toy.” — Vicki Lansky
“If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.” — Chinese Proverb
“If you want to know what it’s like to have a fourth kid, just imagine you are drowning and someone hands you a fourth kid.” — Jim Gaffigan

Ironic Funny Baby Quotes

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“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” — Jon Stewart
“Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage.” — Marcelene Cox
“If your baby is beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time, you’re the grandma.” — Theresa Bloomingdale
“A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I didn’t know how babies were made until I was pregnant with my fourth child.” — Loretta Lynn

Lively Funny Baby Quotes

“Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.” — Mark Twain
“Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit. They hold the baby and I go out.” — Unknown
“Insomnia: A contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.” — Shannon Fife
“Ninety percent of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” — Unknown
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.” — Ray Romano

Can’t Live With Them Funny Baby Quotes

“A crying baby is the best form of birth control.” — Carole Tabron
“Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.” — Tina Fey
“No animal is so inexhaustible as an excited infant.” — Amy Leslie
“I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.” — Robert Orben
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children. Now, I have six children and no theories.” — John Wilmot

Funny Baby Quotes About How They Change Us

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“When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: ‘Fetch!’” — Bruce Lansky
“If you were to open up a baby’s head — and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should — you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.” — Dave Barry
“Sometimes going to bed feels like the highlight of my day. Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.” — Jim Gaffigan
“Having children is like living in a frat house- nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” — Ray Romano
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” — Franklin P. Jones

Funny Baby Quotes: The Agony and Ecstasy

“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.” — Marshall McLuhan
“Sleep? Yes, I have a vague recollection of what that was like.” — Unknown
“A baby’s a full-time job for three adults. Nobody tells you that when you’re pregnant, or you’d probably jump off a bridge. Nobody tells you how all-consuming it is to be a mother — how reading goes out the window and thinking too.” — Erica Jong
“There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.” — Peter De Vries
“The only things kids wear out faster than their shoes are their parents.” — John J. Plomp

Funny Baby Quotes About the World’s Toughest Job

“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.” — Nia Vardalos
“That moment when you go to check on your sleeping baby and their eyes ping open so you drop to the floor and roll out of the room like a ninja.” — Unknown
“So, I don’t breathe through my nose, I totally plug my nose, ‘Oh my god, cute baby! So cute.’ And then, I have these wipes and I wipe and I wipe — I wipe too much. At this point they’re going all over the baby, I make sure there’s nothing even around the baby. Then I put this diaper rash thing on that I also use, so I save money.” — Jimmy Fallon
“When I was born I was so mad at my parents that I didn’t talk to them for two years.” — Unknown
“Our baby in particular is, we think, allergic to sleep. We think that she thinks that she’s protecting us from the sleep monsters. She’s like ‘Oh, I gotta keep them up or the sleep monsters will get them.’” — Ryan Reynolds

Funny Baby Quotes About Responsibilities

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“You’d be surprised how durable babies are. You hold them like they’re Fabergé eggs, and then — wonk! — she hits her head on the table and you think, ‘Oh my gosh, did I give her a dent on her head that’s going to be there forever?’ But babies aren’t that precious. Everyone turns out fine. Just love them and make them laugh. I make my daughter laugh every day.” — Jimmy Fallon
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” — Erma Bombeck
“When you have a baby sleep is not an option. You can’t sleep. Even on vacation, you wake up at 6:30 a.m.” — Jimmy Fallon
“You never know when you’re gonna get crapped on or when you’re gonna get a big smile or when that smile immediately turns into hysterics. It might be like living with a drug addict.” — Blake Lively
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” — Lane Olinghouse

Funny Baby Quotes That Get You

“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on television.” — Erma Bombeck
“I’m a walking zombie and I think I’m going to be like that for a while.” — Tiffani Thiessen
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” — Phyllis Diller
“24/7. Once you sign on to be a mother, that’s the only shift they offer!” — Jodi Picoult
“They vomit a lot. For a second I thought I needed to rename my first Linda Blair and hire a priest because she was spitting up so much.” — Jimmy Fallon

Relatable Funny Baby Quotes

“Watching teething babies is like watching over a thermonuclear reactor. It is best done in shifts, and by well rested people.” — Anthony Doerr
“Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years, I spent without a child, of course.” — Ryan Reynolds
“The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain’t like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain’t spitting it out.” ― Justin Halpern
“I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” — Harry S Truman
“Perfection only exists in babies and pastries.” — Gayle Wray

Engaging Funny Baby Quotes

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“Small children disturb your sleep, big children your life.” — Yiddish proverb
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.” — Ed Asner
“I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement.” — Tina Fey
“Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.” — Fran Lebowitz
“You know, it’s incredible. When you first get them, you’re all excited, and you’re, like, ready to do all these things. And then you realize it’s like getting a new cell phone where all the features don’t work yet… but it looks really cute.” — Ashton Kutcher

Blissful Funny Baby Quotes

“The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing.” — Kin Hubbard
“Raising kids is a walk in the park. Jurassic Park that is.” — Unknown
“Babies don’t need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I’ll go over to them and say, What are you doing here, you’ve never worked a day in your life! “— Stephen Wright
“Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Ma-ma does everything for the baby who responds by saying Da-da first.” — Mignon McLaughlin

Cheerful Funny Baby Quotes

“Children are a great comfort in your old age — and they help you reach it faster, too.” — Lionel Kauffman
“If parenthood came with a GPS, it would mostly say ‘recalculating.’” — Simon Cholland
“Why don’t kids understand that their nap is not for them but for us?” — Alyson Hannigan
A child enters your home and for the next 20 years makes so much noise you can hardly stand it. The child departs, leaving the house so silent you think you are going mad.” — John Andrew Holmes
“My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have because one kid’ll take up 100 percent of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100 percent of your time.” — Karen Brown

Darkly Funny Baby Quotes

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“A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house.” — Milwaukee Journal
“Parenthood: the scariest hood you’ll ever go through.” — Unknown
“Congrats, you’ll soon live in a madhouse run by a tiny army you created yourself.” — Unknown
“My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma. Well played.” — Unknown
“The first night your baby sleeps eight hours straight, you think you’d celebrate. Instead, you will run into their room thinking ‘Oh my god, are they breathing?!’” — Unknown

Arresting Funny Baby Quotes

“If olive oil is made from olives then what is baby oil made from?!?” — Unknown
“Babies are cutest when they’re someone else’s problem.” — Unknown
“They eat, they crap, they sleep. And if they’re crying, they need to do one of the three and they’re having trouble doing it. Real simple.” — Matthew McConaughey
“Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other.” — Ed Howe
“I was on planes [and] when babies would cry, I would be mad at the families. Now I’m like, ‘Let them cry, let them do whatever they want. They can sit on me and poop if they want.’ Now I know more.” — Mindy Kaling

Perfect Funny Baby Quotes

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“That people think they can talk to you about poop. ‘Oh, you have a new baby? Is she sleeping? Is she pooping?’ Normally I’d be blushing, but as a parent, you just get used to it, and pooping is just another verb in your vocabulary.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Welcome to parenthood, where your favorite new game will be ‘guess that bodily fluid.’” — Unknown
“Don’t ever tell the mother of a newborn that her baby’s smile is just gas.” — Jill Woodhull
“Babies are always more trouble than you thought — and more wonderful.” — Charles Osgood
“How could something so small create so much of something so disgusting?” — Steve Guttenberg

Funny Baby Quotes About the Side Effects

“Sleep is like the unicorn — it is rumored to exist, but I doubt I will see any.” — Dr. Seuss
“Spit up is my new favorite accessory. No outfit is complete without it.” — Unknown
“People who say, they sleep like a baby, usually don’t have one.” — Leo Burke
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“None of it is real until all of a sudden they’re standing there covered in slime and crying. You’re like, wait a minute, what is that?” — George Clooney

Classic Funny Baby Quotes

“Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face.” — Olivia Wilde
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.” — Maurice Johnston
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” — Milton Berle
“Sleep when your baby sleeps. Everyone knows this classic tip, but I say why stop there? Scream when your baby screams. Take Benadryl when your baby takes Benadryl. And walk around pantsless when your baby walks around pantsless.” — Tina Fey
“I don’t want to sleep like a baby, I want to sleep like my husband.” — Unknown

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Our Favorite Funny Baby Quotes

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“Having a new baby is like suddenly getting the world’s worst roommate.” — Anne Lamott
“Having a baby is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.” — Carol Burnett
“A baby’s cry is precisely as serious as it sounds.” — Jean Liedloff
“I used to be excellent. Now that I have a baby and I couldn’t tell you what day it is.” — Gwyneth Paltrow
“I don’t dislike babies, though I think very young ones rather disgusting.” — Queen Victoria

More Favorite Funny Baby Quotes

“Parenting: Nobody really wants the job, but everybody thinks they can do better.” — Bruce Lansky
“Having a baby is like suddenly getting the world’s worst roommate, like having Janis Joplin with a bad hangover and PMS come to stay with you.” ― Anne Lamott
“I love kids, but they are a tough audience.” ― Robin Williams
“There is nothing that can bring you closer to fearlessness about everything else in the world than being a parent—because everyday fears—like not being approved of—pale by comparison to the fears you have about your children.” ― Arianna Huffington
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.” ― Ernest Hemingway

There you go! Now you have a collection of some of the best funny baby quotes ever. Having a child is as challenging as it is rewarding and these quotes perfectly capture the hilarious aspects of parenting. Now, share your new favorite funny baby quotes with someone who “gets it.”