‘Is It the Rona or Is It Because He’s Eaten Nothing But Fruit Snacks for the Last 8 Hours?’ and 24 More Funny Parenting Tweets From @MommaJessieC

Katie Nave

4 years ago

We cannot get enough of the daily musings of Twitter queen and mom-of-four @MammaJessieC. Whether she’s battling the microwave or scaring her family with the threat of a sugar detox, we guarantee you’ll love her latest funny parenting tweets.

Jessie is keeping it real and we are here for it. We’ve pulled together her top 25 most hilarious parenting tweets for your enjoyment. The years are short, but the days are long. We might as well laugh together.

'Is It the Rona or Is It Because He’s Eaten Nothing But Fruit Snacks for the Last 8 Hours?' and 24 More Funny Parenting Tweets From @MommaJessieC

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25 Funny Parenting Tweets from @MommaJessieC

Dangerous Territory

8yo: *pushing grocery cart* Don’t worry, Mom. I’m right behind you.

Me: That’s what concerns me.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 23, 2020

Just reading this makes us fearful for the backs of our ankles.

The Ultimate Quest

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 8, 2019

That feeling when they’re all sold out of 1″ notebooks and you’ve officially been defeated.

Our Legacy

My grandma: You see this ornate crocheted blanket. I made it with my own two hands.

Me, as a grandma: You see this meme. I made it with my own two hands.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 22, 2020

We’re pretty sure that blanket never made anyone laugh, right?

Attention WebMD

Parenting in 2020: Is it the rona or is it because he’s eaten nothing but fruit snacks for the last 8 hours?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 21, 2020

Those snacks contain some real fruit juice, correct?

Kitchen Closed

Tween: For breakfast can you make —

Me: No.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 21, 2020

We’re pretty sure you can fend for yourself today, kiddos. Mama Chef is taking the day off.

Laundry Wars

I put the basket that needs to be brought up at the bottom of the stairs. My kids and husband walk past it. That’s what makes us family.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 21, 2020

Don’t pay any attention to that basket of freshly washed and folded laundry, family! It will put itself away.

Suds and Stories

I used my kid’s shampoo and spent the next 6 hours telling what could be a 5 minute story.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 21, 2020

We also have the sudden urge to ask, “But why?” every three minutes.

Detox Monster

Kids: Tell us a scary story!

Me: There I was in the middle of my sugar detox—

Husband: Oh shit.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 20, 2020

No one is safe when mom is off the sugar. Run for your lives.

Sweet Dreams

Oh, you’re one of those parents with a bedtime routine as opposed to yelling GO TO BED from the couch every 10 minutes for 2 hours.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 20, 2020

Bath and storytime, huh? Please just GTF to sleep.

Another Dad Joke

Someone laughed at my husband’s dad joke, and his swim shirt reached an unprecedented level of SPF.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 18, 2020

Don’t encourage this type of humor, friends.

Screen Deprivation

My tween daughter is the only one among her group of friends who doesn’t have a phone. I know this because she tells me every 30 minutes.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 16, 2020

Please send your thoughts and prayers to this dear child who is without her own cellular device.

Rock On, Mama

My kids were arguing about who gets to pick the flavor of White Claw for me to drink and now Kid Rock lives here.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 16, 2020

We like to get the family involved in all of our affairs to create a sense of community. So, watermelon or mango?

What is Time?

My grandfather: In 1944 I was fighting the Germans.

Me, as a grandmother: In 2020 I was fighting family members over what day of the week it was.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 14, 2020

We know the, “Ummm I thought it was Friday” struggle.

Hamster Nightmares

From the child who brought you I’m Thirsty, I Can’t Sleep, and My Pillow Smells, now brings you My Hamster is not in his Cage.

Coming to a bedtime routine near you.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 14, 2020

Just when you think it’s safe to close your eyes, the hamster decides to make a run for it.

We’ve Been Fooled

I woke up at 5 AM and it turns out there’s actually 75 hours in a day.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 13, 2020

Welcome to this life where there is no such thing as space and time.

Watch Out Grandma

While my mom was visiting, my 5yo sprayed her with the hose. He learned not to spray people who are clothed and I learned a new way to get company to leave.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 10, 2020

No one is safe from a kiddo with a hose, so might as well stay away.

What About Mary

Me: My friend Mary is pregnant.

[10 YEARS LATER]

Husband: Hey, did your friend Mary have her baby?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 9, 2020

Isn’t it astounding how well they pay attention to detail?

Fresh Ink

Husband: I thought soccer was at 7:30.

Me: I told you 7.

H:

Me: I texted you 7.

H:

Me: I wrote 7 on the calendar.

H:

Me: I TATTOOED 7 ON YOUR ARM.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 8, 2020

You’re welcome for our services. Would you also like for us to set an alarm and push you out the door?

What A Burn

I burnt my finger on the stove. You know who wouldn’t do this to me? The microwave.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 7, 2020

We’re not trying to be heroes here, so microwave it is!

Happy Birthday?

Normal day as a parent: Cooking, cleaning, & carpooling

Your birthday as a parent: Cooking, cleaning, carpooling, & cake
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 7, 2020

Go ahead and shove a little cake in your mouth while multi-tasking, birthday queen.

Memory Lane

Cleaning out a clogged vacuum is like opening up a time capsule of all the things you were too lazy to pick up.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 7, 2020

It’s been a month full of LEGOs and Cheerios, apparently.

Merlot-Inspired Bangs

Red wine does not pair well with a DIY haircut.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 5, 2020

What type of wine brings out the flavor of bad decisions?

Power of Distraction

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me, driving: LOOK! A hawk!

Kid: WHERE?!

Husband: Our credit card bill —

Me: LOOK! Free mulch!

Husband: WHERE?!
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 4, 2020

Let’s just keep kicking the can down the road, shall we?

Netflix and Chill

Yeah, I’m DTF.

Down
To
Find the TV remote.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 4, 2020

Is there anything hotter than a new series binge?

We Surrender

My house is so messy that even if I had a white flag to wave in defeat it’d take me a few hours to find it.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 5, 2020

Bless this mess, mama.