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QUESTION: I Can’t Stop Thinking About My Husband’s Affair: How Do I Get Over It?
“I found out last March my husband of 17 years had been having a three-month affair with his work colleague. The next day, we went into lockdown; he got a new job (Sept) and wanted to work it out with me.
I knew a lot about the affair, he told me things I probably shouldn’t have asked, but now they’re stuck in my head, and one year later, everything has gone back to normal.
For him, he’s happy, different headspace, etc. For me, it’s the same as it was. We’ve tried counseling, but he doesn’t want to keep bringing up the affair. I can’t go one day without thinking about his affair. It’s constantly on my mind.
I sometimes look at him and love him, then the next second, I want him gone. I can’t keep living like this. He knows I feel like this but says all he can do is reassure me it won’t happen again. How do you get over an affair?”
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
“I don’t think you will ever get over it. Even with all the reassurance in the world, it’s always going to be in your mind. Someone that you trusted destroys your heart. You should forgive him if he is truly remorseful though. But as far as fully trusting him ever again… you won’t. But I am a firm believer that we are human and sometimes we make horrible mistakes. So if he loves you, he won’t have any problem reassuring you every day if that’s what you need, and maybe with counseling, overtime, you can work on these issues together. But honesty and communication is #1.”
“It’s PTSD based on infidelity.”
“I never understand how anyone can stay with a cheater. Once the trust is gone the relationship is over.”
“You either fully forgive him and work it out or you move on.”
“You need to go to counseling on your own and do cognitive therapy.”
“My first husband, I divorced him because at the end of the day… I would never forgive that because it wasn’t even about being a husband and wife; he wasn’t even my friend anymore. I know if we ever went through another tough situation he’d run to another woman, once you cross that line; it can be crossed effortlessly again. Best decision ever though, because I found my true husband sometime later and years later he’s my rock. He’d never do that to me. Hope the best for you, remember you are worth more than that.”
“I normally wouldn’t bring up a movie with such a serious topic. But we’re all mamas here and without going deep or into the complexities of you/him… For those that saw Sex and the City, remember the Miranda/Steve affair? The writers and producer did a pretty good job at depicting the emotions that occur on both sides. (And this quote isn’t suggesting that you are punishing him):
‘How do I know she’s not gonna punish me for the rest of my life?’
‘Therapist: You don’t.’ And she doesn’t know for sure that you won’t have another indiscretion. All you can know is that you want to move forward and risk that the love you have for each other won’t allow that to happen. And that’s what we’ll discover here.'”
“The relationship CAN be rebuilt, but it takes a lot of time and effort. It’s easy to forgive, but you can never forget. I forgave, but I still can’t forget 8 years on.”
“It amazes me how many people would just walk away from the person they ‘love’ and made a vow to. I am currently in the same boat. It’s not that easy to ‘just leave’ your other half. What happened to unconditional love? None of these women have been with your husband. Their cheaters are a whole other person. Maybe he was feeling unattractive. Maybe he needed attention. Maybe, just maybe, he is human and made a mistake…
… My husband doesn’t want to talk about it either. He wants to move past it and start over. It eats me alive. Every time I’m not with him I wonder if he is with someone else. Every time he touches his phone I wonder who he is talking to. But I know in my heart that he messed up. I know he loves me. I know he is trying to regain my trust…
… You will never forget what he did but the pain will fade and the trust will grow. It takes a very very long time though. Individual counseling is the very best advice. You take a big blow to your self-esteem. If you love him, and I mean truly love him, you have to learn how to “start over” and rebuild your marriage.”
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