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QUESTION: Is It Wrong of Me to Expect My Husband to Put His Family First and Cut Time with His Friends?
“My husband and I have been together for 10 years and have two kids. I have never been 1 for drinking and partying post-marriage or for going out of my way to have friends over. I’m content with my family. Is it wrong to expect the same from my husband?
The friends he has do not have the life he has. (They are single with no kids or have baby mammas and still in their parent’s homes and well over the age of 30.) I have just had enough of it and need to know if I am overreacting.
Sundays, Christmas Eve, New Years, etc., are days surely to be spent with family (not necessarily the household), but instead, my house is filled with my husband’s friends, or if we are with family, it’s like he can’t wait to get to friends. And when I mention this to him, he says he will tell his friends not to come anymore as I don’t want them there and that I want him to change his lifestyle. Almost put me on a guilt trip.
Am I wrong to think of family first? Is the issue about the fact that he has not grown up yet? Please bear in mind he is seven years older than I am.”
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
“If you prefer Coke, would you expect him to give up Dr. Pepper and drink Coke? There is a balance. He should have family time but if he enjoys hanging out with his friends he should get time to do that as well.”
“Some friends are just like family. Sounds a little overreactive to a point honestly. You can’t expect him to do as you do. I love when my fiancé’s friends come because it makes him happy and I enjoy seeing him enjoy himself. Just remember he could always be stepping out on you instead of hanging with his friends.”
“Just because you choose not to have or want a social life doesn’t mean you should expect the same from him. Having a family doesn’t mean you have to give up everything/everyone you like or love.”
“You aren’t wrong. You aren’t being melodramatic OR controlling despite what some are seeming to say. You are the one watching how he behaves when they are around. You are the one living with his behaviors. Not us. We can only give advice based on what we are told. Obviously it sounds like when his friends are over you don’t feel like it is family oriented. You feel like there is a lot of drinking and carrying on and when you mix alcohol it changes people’s behavior then and the day after. Obviously it’s upsetting to you so people need to chill out and actually read your post to understand not fly off the handle.”
“Sounds like he never grew up since he is putting friends before family… I don’t think you’re overreacting.”
“Family is extremely important, but so is having a life and identity outside of that family. He doesn’t have to think the same way as you just because you “expect” him to. We have our holidays with family, but we’re also going to start setting out an entire get together for our friends. This post comes off as you being controlling and a bit melodramatic. There are always those situations where the friends are just ALWAYS there. However, going out with friends or hanging out with friends shouldn’t have to stop just because you’re married.”
“You are not wrong to ask for family first, but you are not asking for family first. You are asking for family only since you don’t have/want friends. He has friends and wants to spend time with them too but you are asking him to only spend time with family since that’s all you want to do. There needs to be a balance. If Sundays are friends then that means the other 6 nights are family? Christmas Eve friends, but Christmas family? Seems more than reasonable to me.”
“I think this lady just wants a better balance. He should be able to enjoy himself both with his friends and family. I dont think shes be demanding or controlling to want to put her family first sometimes, she doesn’t say at all she wants hubby home all the time. Maybe try open honest conversation. Get a sitter and just talk to each other, what’s missing that he needs to go out every weekend?”
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