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QUESTION: My Husband Isn’t Happy About the Way Our House Looks When He Comes Home From Work: Advice?
“It is just me as a stay at home mother who does everything in this house, and he goes to work and pays the bills. I’m not complaining about that because I’m very, very grateful for it. I cook, clean, and take care of kids every single day—a two-year-old and a three-month-old. I am breastfeeding. This baby feeds every 3 to 4 hours.
So, here is the scenario… As I am cleaning our home, today I try to bring up some ideas about our kitchen that we, unfortunately, have to renovate because we had a fire a few months ago. (So, of course, it’s going to be messy and unorganized.) He just put a new window in over the weekend, and there are things shoved into the other side of the kitchen on the countertop. I understand his frustration, but he’s blaming it all on me and telling me that I need to clean it because it’s all of my stuff. (which clearly isn’t true, but I won’t go there).
I told him we live in our home, I do my best considering the fact that I am with our children literally all day every day, and to understand that. He went to a friend’s house who has it made better than us apparently, so I am not sure if that’s where this had come from, but I can not handle this childish repetitive behavior.
Speaking of childish, he tries to talk to me like a being one. So now I’ve sat here all day thinking about how “dirty” my home is. Trying to remind myself to give myself grace because I have now two littles, two huge dogs who I vacuum after daily, and I am doing a good job. Can someone talk to me because I refuse to talk to my family about anything because the second I do that’s also a problem?”
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
“You are fine… I told my husband quite a few times when I was stay-at-home, f something bothers him, i.e. the dishes, he’s more than welcome to clean it up!!! I’ve been married 30 years and have a sign on my wall that says ‘this house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy.’ Give yourself some grace and enjoy your babies.”
“Wait till he is home and promptly clean the kitchen. While doing so, throw the entire man out with the trash. Problem solved.”
“You are doing good mama. Do what you can and don’t push it. A home full of love is what matters, not if it’s spectacularly clean every day. And there is absolutely no reason he can’t help around the house. I am a stay at home mama, with a 7-year-old who is a full remote learner. My husband works full time and still comes home and helps.”
“If he doesn’t understand now you need to find peace within yourself and tune it out. It’s hard but you must do this and understand for your relationship he just isn’t capable of comprehending this at this time. Hopefully later he will. When my husband complained, I cleaned the house but didn’t pick up after him, I didn’t do his laundry, I didn’t take out the trash but kiddo was good, bills were paid and dinner was done. He looked around and noticed all of his stuff.”
“I’d give him a bill for everything you do. I did that with my husband and he hasn’t said a word since. Housekeeping, Childcare, Cooking, Accounting, Personal assistant, Life coach, Home designer, Yard work, Poop pickup service, Laundry, etc. Let him know you’d be happy to go out and find a job and he can either foot the bill to pay someone else to do everything you’re doing, and he can put a sock in it because in reality, you’re saving him tons of money and that’s your way of paying into the household.”
“My husband knows better. I do more than enough every day and if he comes home and something is bothering him, he helps himself to it! Maybe on his day off have him stay home with the kids while you go out for a day and see what you come home to. Maybe he’s capable, and maybe he’s not. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Some days I just straight up don’t feel like cleaning everything and I don’t. Your husband should understand that.”
“My hubby didn’t get it until I went back to work full time. Now he will never talk down to a housewife. Sometimes they don’t get it until they have to do it.”
“My husband works so hard every day. He runs his own company. I don’t work I Am at home with our kids. He pays for all the bills and he bought me a beautiful new suburban for my birthday. But understand when he comes HOME to his house he is expected to help in any way he can. The house is not my responsibility it is ours. The kids are not my responsibility they are ours…
… The difference it seems is your husband does not respect being a stay-at-home mom as a job. My hubby appreciates everything I do so that we have money to do other things. And I appreciate everything he does as well. It’s our family it’s our life it’s OUR home. My suggestion would be to stop doing things that fit him. Do you cleaning kids mess your meals? You’re not his mom. He is supposed to be your partner. So until he acts like one then I would stop acting like his mom. Not saying you are but he is treating you as such.”
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