A mom writes in asking for advice. After a difficult period of trying to conceive, she is feeling run down by her family’s suggestion that she waited too long to have a second child. (The OP’s first child is now 7.) She blames herself for waiting and now questions whether it is a good idea to keep trying or if the age gap should deter her. Moms from our community chime in with advice and support.
Over on the Mamas Uncut Facebook page, our robust community of moms is always having a conversation about topics that matter. We like to highlight those conversations from time to time. Important mom questions. Thoughtful mom answers. Let’s hear from the community!
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A member of the community asks:
Mommies, I need some advice. Feel free to share your thoughts.
I have been TTC (trying to conceive) for a few years. Sadly, it’s so far ended up in miscarriages and having a tube removed. On top of that, I just found out my remaining tube is blocked, and I would have to get surgery to flush it and have a waiting period to get the green light to start trying again.
My question is: My daughter about to be 7. if things go well and I am able to get pregnant and stay pregnant, she would be around 9 when I have my next. Well, I have doubts mostly because all my family points fingers at me and says I should never have waited. That my daughter needed a brother or sister, that she’s gonna be too old, and I shouldn’t keep trying anymore.
It breaks my heart, but I hear it so much that I am starting to blame myself and second guessing if it’s ok to have another kid with such a big age gap…– Mamas Uncut Community Member
Let’s see what the community had to say in response.
Age Gaps Aren’t a Bad Thing
“I am 9 years older than my brother. I was able to enjoy watching him grow up. I wouldn’t change it for the world.”
“I have an 11-year-old a 6-year-old and am expecting in October. I was a little bit worried about the huge gap, but I’ve noticed how much more excited and involved they are about the pregnancy. My worries have all floated away. So do what you gotta do and have another baby, mama!”
“Keep trying. My son turned 9 in August, and I had his sister in October. They are best friends he absolutely loves her and always says he thought he’d never have a sibling. Plus, because he is older, he helps a lot with her. Never let someone tell you how many kids to have. It’s your body. Sending baby dust your way.”
“There is a 12-year age gap between my oldest and youngest. Kids don’t care about the gap, they care about love!”
“My older children were 14 and 9 when my youngest was born. They are 31, 26, and almost 17. They get along and love each other. My daughter was thrilled to have a baby brother and at 9 she never stopped holding him and helping take care of him. If you want another child, go for it and ignore the negativity. God bless you.”
“The age gap between my girls and my son is 11 years. It was like my son had three mommies. Now they are all grown and are still really close. If you want more, try . Don’t worry what others say. Good luck!”
It’s Not Your Family’s Decision, It’s Yours
“First of all, is your family going to be carrying this chip? Are they going to be financially supporting this child? I’m guessing not, so I think you need to stop worrying about what other people think and focus on what’s best for YOUR family that YOU’RE creating. The stress definitely will not help you get pregnant. Talk to you husband and your daughter, those are the only 2 opinions that should matter.”
“Go for it. Only you and god can make this decision.”
“You do what you feel is best for you and your family. Don’t listen to others.”
“It’s not for your family to decide. Do you and your husband want another child? Is the treatment worth the risk? Is it guaranteed to work? Think it over, discuss it with your doctor, and make this decision together. Whatever you decide, may it be blessed by the LORD.”
“Uhh, screw what your family says!? Plus look at it this way, she’ll be able to “help” more than if she was younger, at least pick up around the house.”
I was 19 when my sister was born (same parents). Don’t worry about what others think. They’re not you. They’re not living your life or your problems. Bonus: waiting that long means only diapers for one child, and you now get help. Do you, girl. Forget the haters.”
“First off, screw them. It’s your body and your choice. Second, my sister and I are 9 years apart and we’re best of friends. Plus my mom loved it cause we could help babysit and drive her around. Also, I’m able to give her advice and talk to her about stuff she can’t talk to our mom about. Do it if you want another!”
Responses were pretty evenly divided into two camps, both of which we agree with. First of all, an age gap is not a bad thing! In fact, there are many perks, outlined in the responses above, to having a bigger age gap than is “common.” (More help! Yay!) So don’t worry about that at all!
Secondly, the community repeatedly pointed out that your family is in the wrong for making you feel bad for waiting. For one thing, part of the reason you waited is because you had to. Medical issues have prohibited you bringing a pregnancy to term. That is absolutely, 100 percent not your fault. But even if you had elected to wait, that is your choice. If you want to continue trying, you should. It is your body, your life, and your family. Anyone who doesn’t understand that needs to keep their opinions to themselves.
We wish you the best of luck, mama!
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