A mom writes in asking for advice. Her mother-in-law has been a constant thorn in her side ever since making a wildly rude comment about a miscarriage the OP suffered. The comments haven’t gotten any better over time, and this mom is at her wit’s end and is in need of some serious advice.
Over on the Mamas Uncut Facebook page, our robust community of moms is always having a conversation about topics that matter. We like to highlight those conversations from time to time. Important mom questions. Thoughtful mom answers. Let’s hear from the community!
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A member of the community asks:
Needing advice… My mother in law is something else! We got married last year, and she didn’t lift one finger didn’t help with anything! Well we had a miscarriage right after we got married, and ended up pregnant in the fall of last year. We told everyone, but with her we waited till Christmas just because we don’t see her that often, because of her negative personality.
Well we told her on Christmas and her response was “When will you find out how long you’re able to keep this baby?” I was shocked that she said that, and so confused as that was her first reaction. I was fuming!!! I asked my husband to talk to his mom. I just don’t want anything to do with her.
She was invited to my baby shower as this is still her granddaughter, and again she didn’t help with anything! I asked if she can cut some onions and she said she didn’t know how to do it. I’m like, whatever, don’t do it then. So the party started and she cried the entire time!! Trying to make the situation all about herself, and to get everyone to pay attention to her, talking about her past. I just had to make my husband deal with her.
So she came over this weekend to drop stuff off for the baby, and now asks where we are having the baby, and precedes to tell us “that’s where my husband’s cousins had their baby, and he came out retarded because they kept him in too long. I hope your baby doesn’t come out retarded.”
That’s my final straw!! I don’t want her to even come see my daughter. I don’t want to tell her when she is born. I can’t take her. My husband is so used to her behavior and said that’s just how she is, she’s pretty much all he has, as his dad passed away last year. What do I do?!?!– Mamas Uncut Community Member
Let’s see what the community had to say.
Tell Your Mother-in-Law Off and Stay Away From Her
“She is toxic, you need to keep your baby away from her. You would be doing the right thing.”
“I would tell her off for sure!”
“Keep her away!”
“Just because your husband has a relationship with her doesn’t mean you and the child have to. Maybe she will finally see what she is doing if you cut her out. Toxic people aren’t good for your kid. Talk to your husband and let him know enough is enough.”
“You have every right to cut toxic negativity out of your life. I had to do it with my own mother. Just because he’s used to her craziness and accepts it, doesn’t mean YOU have to. If he wants her in his life that’s fine, but you certainly don’t need her in your life, or baby’s.”
“I would cut her out of the picture until she gets herself together. She has to know she is disrespectful and abusive.”
Push Your Husband to Confront Your Mother-in-Law Over Rude Comments
“Your husband needs to step up. This is his mom. Lay down the boundaries and if she refuses to work with you then do what you need to do. Don’t let this affect your child’s life in a negative way.”
“Deal with her as little as possible and have all communication done through your husband. Also, if you don’t want her in the delivery room, I wouldn’t tell her you’re in labor just in case she decided to show up and ruin that too.”
“That is his mother… He SHOULD talk to her. He needs to tell her, ‘That is my wife and I need you to respect her.’ Tell her, ‘I want my wife to respect you but you need to respect my wife.’ I have two too. So I know. I have one daughter-in-law and she respects me and I respect her.”
Be Brutally Honest With Your Mother-in-Law
“Say, ‘I don’t want you to make negative comments like that to me about my pregnancy. I’m not going to waste my time worrying about all the things that can go wrong.’ Any excuse or explanation can be met with ‘I don’t want to hear it.’ Fair is fair.
“Let her know if she continues to act like that towards you and say hurtful things, then she will not be able to be around the baby at all. If she hears that, it might make her change her attitude. If not, then cut her off.”
We recommend running through options before completely cutting your mother-in-law out, OP. First, push your husband to confront the issue. He needs to really try to mediate the situation, as you are his wife and she is his mother. If that doesn’t work, you can attempt to be very honest with her and lay down the law. If that still doesn’t improve things for you, we agree with many commenters that it is completely okay to cut her out of your life. Your husband can maintain his relationship with her, but that doesn’t mean you have to.
We wish you the best of luck, mama!
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