A mom writes in asking for advice. She got pregnant with someone she didn’t know was married and now doesn’t know what to do. They were mainly friends with benefits until she got pregnant. When he didn’t answer his phone, she went to his house and found out he was married with kids. He admitted to his wife that he was cheating, and now they are getting divorced. He wants to stay with this mom, but she isn’t sure. Any advice for her?
This mom-to-be’s story is particularly complex. After learning that the man who got her pregnant was married and had a family, she spoke with him and things got more complicated. He claims that his wife is abusive towards him, and he even went so far as to share cruel text messages and recordings he’d made of her verbally and physically abusing him. He says he plans to leave his wife and wants to be involved with the Original Poster (OP). But should she be worried about trust? Should she heed the old warning, “Once a cheater, always a cheater?”
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This woman got pregnant with a man who didn’t tell her she was already married. She wants to know if she should stay with him, now that he plans to leave his wife.
A member of the community asks:
“I had a nice friends-with-benefits relationship going with someone I considered a pretty good friend. We met on an online dating page. We were both upfront and decided we wanted this type of relationship only and to keep it casual. He was more private with his life, but I wasn’t ever pushy and let him have his space. We both have careers and work a lot, but we had dinner, did lunch, and on occasion, I’d stay the night at his house. We always used protection when we had sex.
This went on for months without incident, and we actually got pretty close. I had fun with him, and I thought he was a great guy. Around Valentine’s day, he invited me on a getaway, and we let loose a little too much. A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant despite using protection. I was confused and not sure I was ready to be a first time parent with someone who I only hooked up with. Naturally, I was quite upset, and I called him to discuss the situation and weigh out our options. He didn’t answer.
Now, normally, it might be hours, days, or a week before he would answer my messages or calls because, as I said, it was casual, and we are both goal-orientated on our jobs and keeping stuff friendly. I just couldn’t wait that long, so I decided I’m gonna pop over to his house and see if he’s home and has a few minutes. I pull up, and his car isn’t there, but there’s a van in the driveway. I knock on the front door, not thinking anything, and a woman answers with little pajama-clad toddlers hanging onto her. I still don’t connect what is happening, so I ask if he’s home, and she says, ‘who are you? May I help you?’
I didn’t want to say who I was if this was his sister or a family member so I said I was only a friend. She was visibly irritated by my presence. She hits me with well I’m his wife hold on a second and I’ll call him. She closes the door, and I full-on sprint to my vehicle, crying, trying to get the hell out of there. How had I not noticed Mr. Suburbia had an entire family but it finally all made sense. The privacy wasn’t because he was private it was because he was a cheater and now I was his accomplice.
I drove home sobbing still not knowing what to do and now thinking about those poor kids and that lady who probably never deserved to be cheated on. An entire day passes and I get a text from Mr. cheater himself and he is angry! Imagine that. So after he hits me with the hate-fueled, how dare you to come by uninvited texts, and I have to tell him that I’m pregnant begrudgingly, and yes, the baby is unfortunately yours. I was waiting for more anger and he just calmly says can we talk. I agreed, and he came over the next evening.
Surprisingly he was very tender about it and even seemed excited. I was so confused because part of me was also getting a little excited at the prospect of being a mommy. But the situation was weighing on me. I can’t be with this man. He lied to me. He lied to his wife and more importantly he lied to his kids. I was angry but I tried to hear him out. He went on to tell me that the marriage was essentially a trap and he wasn’t ever in love with her but early on in his career he has another friends-with-benefits situation that resulted in pregnancy and he did what he thought was the right thing.
He now said he had fallen in love with me over time but never could do anything about it except love me from afar. Now that I was having his baby, he wanted to do the right thing, he just wasn’t sure what that meant. He cried and told me he knows what people will say and that he knows it makes him look like an asshole but he never had the love of his life. He went on to say he suspected his wife got pregnant on purpose and that he never accused of that because it takes 2 to tango as he put it. He said he had made a mess out of things and he would do whatever I thought was best. I told him to tell his wife the truth!
So he went home like a puppy with his tails between his legs and spent the next 2 days telling his wife everything. I still didn’t know what to say or think. His wife contacted me, and she didn’t have anything nice to say to me. I made sure she was aware that I had no intention of being with a married man let alone a father and that I felt just as betrayed. This had no effect. She went on Facebook and started to slander me. She was so angry and the venom that woman spewed at me seemed to have no end. I had no intention of contacting him again, I was that angry. I assumed he had lied to her or something of that nature. But nope! She was just a very angry person.
He let me listen to voice clips he had taken in the past and during their recent argument that would make a sailor blush. She ran him down, called him names, pushed him, hit on him, and would blow up over the smallest things. He showed me months worth of text messages in his phone where she called him a tiny penis man, called him gross, ugly, a deadbeat, and then turn right around and post on Facebook about her perfect life. He was in tears. I still have no idea what to do?
He says they are divorcing, and he’s letting her have everything because of the kids. He wants us to be friends and work on building trust and on having a friendly relationship for our child, and he has said it more than once he hopes that maybe one day we could be together. He thinks he needs counseling for the abuse he went through, and so he can come to terms with the affair he let happen.
I saw him over the weekend and my heart broke for him. Am I naive for thinking he’s actually a good man behind everything? Should I just wash my hands of him? Or does anyone believe that our mistakes are redeemable? That we can make changes that are positive even when we really mess up? Since getting pregnant, my entire mindset has changed. I want a family and someone to call my own. Should I give him a chance after he gets help?”
Community Advice for This Mom Heartbroken and Confused
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
Advice for this mom was very split. Some felt if he got her pregnant when she didn’t know he was married, he would do it again. One shared, “If he cheated on her, he will probably end up cheating on you once the honeymoon phase is over, I mean, follow your gut instincts and intuition. Give yourself space to think and do not forget you have options.”
Another agreed, “I’d say no because you will never have peace in your own mind. Every time he doesn’t come home even 30 years from now your mind will automatically go to he is cheating. He didn’t cheat on you but he did cheat on his wife. I have a girlfriend who had a similar situation happen and they wound up married with a baby, and now she constantly thinks he is going to leave her for another woman.”
However, some felt that he deserved another chance. One said, “I would give him a chance but that’s me. Everyone deserves a second chance. He may just be the one you’ve been waiting your whole life for.” Another agreed, “In all reality, men make mistakes too. If he is serious then being friends and the baby’s dad will be enough for now. If he truly loves you and wants to do what’s right, he will wait until he’s divorced before taking your relationship any further than that.”
Another commenter suggested this mom-to-be think less of her relationship with the father and more about the relationships important to her child. “Every child deserves to have both parents in their life. Whether or not you be with him is a non-issue because you should worry about him being there for the baby and not if you will be in a relationship or not,” she wrote.
“You won’t know until you try,” another commenter wrote. “Do what you feel is best for both of you. You owe it to each other to at least try. Especially for the baby. Go with your feelings but just be careful. Keep your guard up and let things play out the way they’re meant to.
One user offered some practical advice: “I would start off with a friendship and then move from there. I think people do deserve a second chance, and I DON’T believe in ‘once a cheater, always a cheater.’ There’s a reason folks cheat. Whether they realize it or not.”
Other commenters shared their own similar stories.
“My niece went through the same thing,” one wrote. “He stayed with his wife and 2 sons. Her daughter is 10 now and the commotion died down after about a year and all is well. She sees her father’s family too.”
Another shared, “My friend is going through the EXACT SAME THING! Do not be with him he willingly cheated on his wife! What makes u think he won’t do it again? Let’s just say that with the married man and my friend, he told her everything she wanted to hear and said he and his wife are getting a divorce, how she was so mean to him. But guess what, he is still with her! He was telling my friend everything she wanted to hear to make him seem like the one who needs pity.”
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This question was asked by a Facebook community member who has asked to remain anonymous.