A mom writes in asking for advice. Her son’s dad passed away back in February. His family did not tell this mom or her son that he died. She found out while searching for him online over the summer. She came across his obituary and was hurt to see that it didn’t mention her son at all. She wonders if she should confront the dad’s family, or just move on. Any advice for this mom?
A member of the community asks:
“I found out on Monday that my son’s dad passed away. However, he passed away in February, and I found out by finding his obituary online. He and I did not talk often. The last time we talked was around Christmas. I knew something was wrong when I didn’t hear from him on my son’s birthday in July and decided to search him to see if he had ended up back in jail. I live in Ohio; he has been living in Miami for the last three years. He has not paid a dime towards his son’s care and has never even met him. They have only video chatted a few times in the last year.
He always had a reason why he couldn’t send a birthday or Christmas gift. I even stopped bringing up child support because I knew it wasn’t happening. My son didn’t show any emotion when I told him about his father’s passing, and I didn’t expect him to. However, my feelings are all over the place. One minute I am sad, crying so hard and trying to hold it together. Then I am heartbroken for my son, who no matter how he feels about his dad in the future, will never have the chance to get to know him. But mostly, I hurt.
I’m upset that his family did not reach out to me to let me know what happened. Maybe I didn’t necessarily need to know he passed, but my son deserves to. I am upset that my son wasn’t acknowledged in the obituary. In fact, nowhere did it state that he left his two children behind. His dad barely acknowledged him, but it really upsets me that his family also does not acknowledge him. I am on the fence about reaching out to his family and letting them know that I know. Do I contact them? How do I approach them? Or do I just brush it off and carry on, like I was before I heard of his passing?”
Community Advice for This Mom Dealing with Death
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
Advice for this mom whose son’s dad passed away was very split. Many felt that she should just move on. One commented, “I wouldn’t talk to the family. If they had no interest in being present while their son was living then I don’t think it would be worth it now. Not sure how old your son is but maybe when he’s old enough to make the decision for himself and understand what’s going on, then you could try.”
Another shared, “I wouldn’t bother reaching out to them whatsoever. I doubt they care that you know. However, allow your son to receive the survival benefits. It sucks that he financially helps from the other side but it is what it is at this point.” Many other commenters agreed for her to look into receiving survival benefits for her son.
However, others felt that there is no harm in trying to contact the family. One commenter said, “What’s the harm in asking? Maybe you’ll end up with a whole other family that your son can get to know and love.” Another agreed and shared, “Apparently they don’t care enough or they don’t know how to reach you. If they don’t know how then it could be a missed opportunity.”
Another shared advice on helping her son be recognized with his dad’s side of the family. She said, “You say your son’s father never met your son. Is it possible that whoever was in charge of dealing with the death did not know about his children? Maybe a message explaining who you are. If they don’t want to be in your child’s life walk away. If they do, I would let it happen.”
Do you have any advice for this mom? Leave a comment to help another mom out!
Over on the Mamas Uncut Facebook page, our robust community of moms is always having a conversation about topics that matter. We like to highlight those conversations from time to time. Important mom questions. Thoughtful mom answers.
Do you have a question you’d like answered? Submit it to the Mamas Uncut Facebook page, and we may feature it along with some of the best answers on this site! You can remain completely anonymous while still getting the information and support you need from other moms who know what it’s like.
Mamas Uncut is THE online place for moms. We cover the latest about motherhood, parenting, and entertainment as well – all with a mom-focused twist. So if you're looking for parenting advice from real parents, we have plenty of it, all for moms from moms, and also experts. Because, at the end of the day, our mission is focused solely on empowering moms and moms-to-be with the knowledge and answers they’re looking for in one safe space.