A community member writes to us in need of some serious mother-in-law advice. The problem? Though the community member has been married for eight years, the mother-in-law still won’t accept her. In fact, the mother-in-law refused to allow her daughter-in-law to attend her own stepdaughter’s wedding. What should she do?
Over on the Mamas Uncut Facebook page, our robust community of moms is always having a conversation about topics that matter. We like to highlight those conversations from time to time. Important mom questions. Thoughtful mom answers. Let’s hear from the community!
A member of our community asks:
“What would you ladies do if you’d been married for 8 years and your mother-in-law still won’t accept you, and you honestly have no clue why other than the fact you married her son!!
UPDATE: My stepdaughter got married today and I wasn’t allowed to be there.– Mamas Uncut Community Member
Here’s a variety of advice as provided by the community:
Kill Her With Kindness
“That makes it hard!! Kill them with kindness. As long as you and your husband and kids are happy, then that’s all that matters. Good luck!”
“Flood her with kindness. My little MIL loved me. In fact, she told my husband’s sister-in-law (who had been in the family for 30 years, while I had only been in it for three at that time) that I was her favorite. I also was loved dearly by my ex-in-laws and I loved them dearly.”
“Don’t worry about it. Be nice, love your spouse, and be especially nice to him in front of her and be kind to her no matter how frustrated you are.”
“I would kill her with kindness. Just be kind and ignore her meanness.”
Ignore It and Go About Your Business
“I’ve got someone that I’ve tried to have a relationship with for about the same length of time and it’s gone nowhere. I have no clue why either. Last year I decided I’m just done with it. It’s too stressful. I don’t really care if people like me, but it bothers me when someone dislikes me and I have done nothing (to my knowledge anyway). I imagine a MIL would be a little harder to just let go of but I’d speak to her politely when you’re around her and she can come around if she wants to.”
“Her issue is within. You continue being yourself.”
“What would I do? Absolutely nothing. Ignore, ignore, ignore.”
“Ignore it because I’m the bigger person and distance myself a little.”
“Why care about it? She’s losing more than you; she’s losing her son.”
“That’s her problem, not yours. Your husband is the one who needs to address that issue. Live your life and be happy despite her.”
“Show her basic respect, don’t stoop to her level, and move on with your life! Ain’t no one got time for that!”
Cut Her Out of Your Life
“Cut her out of your life!”
“I would not go see her anymore. Bye!”
“We cut off his family. After 10 years they still weren’t the nicest to me and he finally had enough. It’s been one year drama-free. Their loss”
The Golden Rule
“Treat her as she treats you.”
General Advice for Dealing with Mothers-in-Law
“Mothers-in-law don’t like their sons to be happier with their wife than they were at home with them. Us wives will never be good enough. It’s too bad, because the family misses out on a lot of things they could easily share.”
“Don’t worry about it. It’s her loss. Some MILs will put everything aside to be in her child’s life & her grandchildren’s lives. I’d talk to just about anyone for my babies.”
Summing Up the Mother-in-Law Advice from the Community
Responses from the Mamas Uncut community are pretty evenly split between “ignore her” and “kill her with kindness.” Those are both good options if you can stomach them. Cutting a mother-in-law out of your life completely is also an option, but considering the complicated family dynamics at play, that may be easier said than done and should only be a last resort taken if there is no other solution.
Of course, you could always try communicating with her. Attempt to be honest, to let her know that she is hurting you and that you don’t know why. Perhaps she doesn’t understand how her behavior is alienating you. If she does, you’ll at least know that for sure. We also agree that it would be a good decision to talk to your husband and perhaps have him handle a serious conversation with her. It’s his family more than it is yours.
Do you have any advice for dealing with a mean mother-in-law? Leave a comment to help another mom out!
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