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QUESTION: How Can I Make My Husband Understand I Need Time to Heal From a Recent Pregnancy Loss?
“Hi, I need advice. I’m 41 years old, lost a pregnancy on Christmas Eve, and I didn’t buy my 3-year-old any Christmas gift. I had family members that supported me on Christmas day with all his favorite toys.
Since my loss of a pregnancy, I’m so depressed and my 3-year-old irritates me and my husband too. I want to be alone. I asked my husband that I want to go for a weekend by myself and he doesn’t want me to go.
I had sought help but these institutions are giving me the runaround. Feel lost.“
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
“I’m very sorry for your loss. As hard as it is to lose a child, it’s not your 3 year old’s fault. I think it would be better for you to speak to a mental health professional as I think a weekend away would probably cause you to fall deeper into your depression. Explain to your husband how you are feeling.”
“You need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps you are still a mother to your 3 year old. Losing a baby is one of the hardest things in the world but it doesn’t stop life, life carries on. Mourn your baby but be a mother and look after your 3 year old get professional help of you need it speak to gp you might need happy pills. Your 3 year old won’t remember not getting anything for Christmas but that being said you had time to get them something before Christmas as your loss was Xmas Eve…
… If you couldn’t afford to get your child a present were you in the best situation to have another baby? I know I sound harsh but mollycoddling you isn’t going to do you any good. And yes I have lost a baby but stopping everything doesn’t help you need to put one foot in front of the other and carry on, you’ll never forget your child, and that okay but you have a living child you need to look after and he needs his mama. Lean on your husband as he’s lost a baby too.”
“I get your loss I do. And I get you’re going through pain.. But, you have to realize you have another child also. And she doesn’t even understand. And to say she irritates you. And you basically didn’t celebrate Christmas with your daughter, or wouldn’t have had your family not been there to get her gifts. That’s not fair to her at all. And trust me, I get going through something pretty hard with one child, while having another. But you can’t forget about that child too.”
“I’m sorry for you loss and I do feel for you and hope you find the help you need to get through such a tough and heartbreaking time. But I really feel for your child. They’re innocent at that age and they have no clue or idea of what’s happened.”
“It takes a brave person to come on a group page like this and post something along these lines. I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is definitely hard. I have been there and so have many other people. Maybe your husband doesn’t think it’s wise for you to go away for a whole weekend by yourself just yet. He could be worried about you. Your 3 year old also doesn’t understand why his mom is feeling down…
… Mental health is absolutely a real thing. I suggest making an appointment with your doctor and seeing how they can help you. Take some time for yourself to heal. I know the feeling of being depressed and being irritated with your kids. I have 4 (all under the age of 10) and they can drive me nuts to where I hide in a room at times and lock the door. Some days I wanna scream…
… Just remember that your 3-year-old is still around and he needs his momma. Also, don’t worry about the Christmas gifts and the fact that you didn’t purchase anything for your son but your family did. This has definitely been some year for many many families. Good luck momma! Have a happy new year and God Bless!”
“Did some of you ladies take the “uncut” part of the title to mean “lack of empathy”? Yes she still has her child but losing one hurts no matter what age or time. To tell her to pull up her bootstraps as if she can just say abra cadabra and it’s all magically better. PPD is real. Grief is real. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her living child any less, she just needs time to rest and recoup. I’m sure some of you with living children and never lost any have had mommy burnout unless your perfect…”
“I can’t believe that another mother came to this group for help and in returning she gets bashed and parent shamed for what.. being real enough to be completely honest about what’s going on so that she may receive the best and appropriate help to change the situation?? And for the record. I didn’t buy any Christmas gifts for my kids until Christmas Eve. We do what we have to do.”
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