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QUESTION: Should I wash my hands of my boyfriend’s family because my daughter was not added to his grandpa’s obituary?
“Hi, so I have an issue, and I don’t know what to think or feel about it but hurt; my boyfriend has been in my daughter’s life since she was four months old, she’s four now. She calls him Daddy as she’s never seen her bio dad, no child support or anything. He wants nothing to do with her. Well, two weeks ago, My boyfriend’s grandpa passed away, the only grandpa, my daughter knew/had. Well, when they added names to the remembrance card, my boyfriend’s family added every single girlfriend and child of the other grandkids, and my boyfriend’s other daughters were added but my daughters and mine. It broke my heart.
She was so upset over her poppy’s death, she still cries and talks about him. Should I wash my hands of this family? Or continue to let my child be treated like she doesn’t matter? I want to just tell them all off and leave because it’s been one thing after another. Advice, please. I know for a fact that man loved my daughter. I just don’t know anymore.”
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
“I was thinking it was because you all aren’t married and then I got to the part where they added other girlfriends and their kids. Sounds to me like they put you in your place. Now it is up to you to decide if that’s a place you want to be.”
“I understand that you are upset. But this is not about you or your daughter. It’s about your boyfriend grieving for his grandpa. Your daughter does not need to ever know she was left off the card. If you tell her that could taint any future relationship with anyone in the family and it may make her question if the grandfather really loved her. Don’t do that to her. I would let it go and find peace and solace in knowing that grandpa loved you and your daughter.
If you feel you need to say something calmly tell your boyfriend that you wish you had been included as you loved the grandpa too. But do it in a respectful nonattacking way. Also, wait for the proper time. But I would let it go. There are two things I learned a long time ago after I married my husband 1. Stop trying to please everyone and 2. Stop waiting for everyone to make you happy. When I figured this out with some of my husband’s family I was much happier.”
“Let it go. This one is not worth the emotion. Comforting your daughter in her time of loss is the most important thing right now.”
“It’s too much drama. I understand your feelings. But funerals and times like this bring out the worst in people. If you make an issue of it, it’s just going to create undue hard feelings. My pastor’s wife used to tell me to just be sweet. I never mastered that quality. But I understand what she wanted for me. Peace. Peace is a wonderful thing.”
“It’s difficult when you are creating an obituary. I’ve had to write a few. I inevitably forget someone. I forgot my own grandson when writing my Mom’s. I was so intent to have all grandchildren’s names listed in age order that somehow I left his out. Give this a pass. It is a blessing that she was loved by him.”
“You should be way more worried over the grief your daughter is feeling. A messed-up obit happens all the time because of grief. If that’s all it takes for you to break up your family then by all means go and save your BF and daughter more heartache. It should be enough that you know the love and relationship was there not some blurb in a paper that most people aren’t even going to read.”
“I understand why you’re upset, but you aren’t married. One thing we have to remember is maybe it was simply an oversight. It’s not about you at this time, it’s about the man who passed. Don’t just give up on his family.”
“If in fact the other girlfriends were added except you then yes I would be upset too, but I wouldn’t end my relationship because of it. If you are really considering that maybe you shouldn’t be with him in the first place. They may have done it because maybe the other girlfriends actually have biological children with their family members were as much as your boyfriend is involved in your daughter’s life he is not biologically her father and you are not his wife so to them you guys are technically not family. It sucks yea but they are grieving and so I would give them a break maybe talk to him before going to the extremes.”
“I would absolutely bring it up after a respectful amount of time. Sounds like they purposely left you out especially if everyone else last girlfriends and kids were added. If they don’t have a good explanation I would take your daughter out of that family because apparently all they can think about is themselves.”
“Playing devil’s advocate but the older generation tends to insist on writing their own obituary when they write their wills. (I’ve dealt with 5 where I was the one who had to deal with funeral). His will may have been written with obituary prior to your involvement in his life. Unless they intentionally try to tell your daughter he wasn’t her poppy really I wouldn’t worry about it.”
“I see you’re upset but have you stopped to think that a man your bf and your daughter loved died rather than about your name in an obituary? This isn’t about you, it’s about honoring a man that passed away. You don’t have to be close with them or even like them but to act out and throw a fit over it is unnecessary. You can talk to your bf and tell him you feel left out but to make a scene when a man passed away over this when you should be honoring his memory is unnecessary and uncalled for. This is about him and his legacy, not some names on a piece of paper.”
“Why don’t you make a memorial for her. Post it on Facebook. Pics of her and him together. Say something sweet like memories made with poppa are the best memories.”
“If it’s a repeated occurrence and she is often hurt by not being “part of the family” have a discussion about including her as part of the family. If it only happened this time, as hurtful as it is, brings it up that you were hurt for not being included while everyone else is and ask why. Don’t automatically cut off contact if this is the only occurrence. Just make sure everyone knows where you stand and just talk to them.”
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