My Funny Valentine: 75 Valentine’s Day Jokes for Kids and Adults

Valentine’s Day is such a fun holiday for our families that usually involves sweet cards, sweet treats, and plenty of love. You might be looking for Valentine’s Day jokes to include in V-Day cards or simply to tell your friends and loved ones to make them giggle. Any excuse is a good one to pass along some humor, and we thought we’d round up some jokes for you to use that will hopefully get recycled and spread tons of joy this holiday.

Valentine’s Day jokes encompass all manner and types of jokes, from the good old knock-knock jokes to ridiculously corny puns. They are all age-appropriate and rather wholesome and harmless. Take a look at the jokes below to inject some humor into Valentine’s Day this year!

Animal Valentine’s Day Jokes

• What did one owl say to the other on Valentine’s Day? Owl be yours.
• What did the girl bear say to the boy bear on Valentine’s Day? I love you bear-y much.
• What did the buck say to the doe on Valentine’s Day? You’re a dear.

Creature Feature Valentine’s Day Jokes

• What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!
• What did the elephant say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? I love you a ton.
• Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love? They’re getting married in the spring!

More Furry Fun Valentine’s Day Jokes

• Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!
• What did one snake say to the other on Valentine’s Day? Give me a hug and a hiss!
• What did the bat say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? You’re so much fun to hang around with!

Even More Valentine’s Day Jokes About Animals

• What did the sheep say to his wife on Valentine’s Day? I love ewe. (see next joke for part two)
• How did the sheep’s wife reply? You’re not so baaaa-d yourself!
• What do you say to an octopus on Valentine’s Day? I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.

We Can’t Get Enough Valentine’s Day Jokes About Animals

• What did the squirrel say to his Valentine? I’m nuts about you! (see next joke for part two)
• What did the girl squirrel reply? You’re nuts so bad yourself!
• What did the rabbit say to her Valentine? Somebunny loves you.

Animals, Animals, Animals

• What did one slug say to another Valentine’s Day? Be my Valen-slime!
• What do owls say to declare their love? Owl be yours!
• What did one cat say to another on Valentine’s Day? You’re purr-fect!

Even More Animal Valentine’s Day Jokes

• What did one bee say to the other on Valentine’s Day? I love bee-ing with you, honey!
• Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental!
• What do you get when you kiss a dragon on Valentine’s Day? Burned lips

Final Animal Valentine’s Day Jokes

• What do farmers give for Valentine’s Day? Lots of hogs and kisses
• What did the whale say to his sweetheart on Valentine’s Day? Whale you be mine?
• What did the penguin say to her friend on Valentine’s Day? Have an ice Valentine’s Day.

Everyday Valentine’s Day Jokes

• How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring!
• Why did the girl put candy under her pillow? She wanted to have sweet dreams.
• What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me!

Slice of Life Valentine’s Day Jokes

• What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day? I’m stuck on you!
• What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive.
• What did one lightbulb say to another on Valentine’s Day? I love you a whole watt.

Adorable Valentine’s Day Jokes

• What household item always has a date? A calendar.
• Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? Nope, they had an apple!
• What happened when the two angels got married? They lived harp-ily ever after!

Sweet Valentine’s Day Jokes

• What did cavemen give their wives on Valentine’s Day? Lots of ughs and kisses!
• What do single people say on Valentine’s Day? Happy Independence Day!
• What did the guy with the broken leg say to his nurse? I’ve got a crutch on you!

Precious Valentine’s Day Jokes

• Have you got a date for Valentine’s Day? Yep, it’s February 14th.
• What did Frankenstein’s monster say to his bride on Valentine’s Day? Be my Valen-stein.
• Why did the sheriff lock up his girlfriend? She stole his heart.

Cute Valentine’s Day Jokes

• What did Robin Hood say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? Sherwood like to be your boyfriend.
• Why would you want to marry a goalie? Because he’s a real keeper!
• What type of shape is most popular on Valentine’s Day? Acute triangle!

RELATED: 100 Charming Valentine’s Day Social Media Captions

Heartfelt Valentine’s Day Jokes

• What did the painter say to his boyfriend on Valentine’s Day? I love you with all my art.
• What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s day? My heart beats for you.
• Why didn’t the skeleton send any Valentine’s cards? His heart just wasn’t in it.

Silly Valentine’s Day Jokes

• What did one flame say to another on Valentine’s Day? We’re a perfect match!
• What did the ghost say to his wife on Valentine’s Day? You’re so boo-tiful.
• What did the Valentine get arrested for? For stealing someone’s heart.

Endearing Valentine’s Day Jokes

• What did one volcano say to another on Valentine’s Day? I lava you.
• What flower loves to give kisses on Valentine’s Day? A tulip!
• What did one oar say to another on Valentine’s Day? Can I interest you in a little row-mance?

Foodie Valentine’s Day Jokes

• What did the biscuit say to the jelly on Valentine’s Day? You’re my jam.
• What did the egg say to the bacon on Valentine’s Day? Don’t go bacon my heart. (see next joke for part two)
• What did the bacon reply to the egg? I couldn’t if I fried.

Delicious Valentine’s Day Jokes

• What kind of Valentine’s Day candy is never on time? ChocoLATE.
• What did the baker say to his sweetheart? I’m dough-nuts about you!
• What did the chef give to his wife on Valentine’s Day? A hug and a quiche.

Yummy Valentine’s Day Jokes

• What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? I’m sweet on you!
• Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because it couldn’t get a date!
• What did the pickle say to the other pickle on Valentine’s Day? You mean a great dill to me.

Tasty Valentine’s Day Jokes

• What did one beet say to the other beet on Valentine’s Day? My heart beets for you!
• What did one mushroom say to the other mushroom on Valentine’s Day? There’s so mushroom in my heart for you!
• Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it has so much heart!

Scrumptious Valentine’s Day Jokes

• What did the watermelon say to his Valentine? You’re one in a melon.
• What did the piece of toast say to his wife on Valentine’s Day? You’re my butter half!
• What did one muffin say to the other muffin on Valentine’s Day? You’re my stud muffin!

Final Food Valentine’s Day Jokes

• What did the strawberry say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? I love you berry much!
• What kind of flowers should you never give on Valentine’s Day? Cauliflowers.
• Where did the hamburger take his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? To the meatball.

Valentine’s Day Knock Knock Jokes

• Knock, knock. / Who’s there? / Olive. / Olive, who? / Olive you.
• Knock, knock. / Who’s there? / Howard./ Howard, who? / Howard you like to be my Valentine?
• Knock, knock. / Who’s there? / Bea. / Bea, who? / Bea my Valentine.

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More Valentine’s Day Knock Knock Jokes

• Knock, knock. / Who’s there? / Luke. / Luke, who? / Luke who got a Valentine.
• Knock, knock. / Who’s there? / Fonda. / Fonda, who? / Fonda you!
• Knock, knock. / Who’s there? / Peas. / Peas, who? / Peas be my Valentine.

There you go! Now you have plenty of Valentine’s Day jokes to share far and wide. For more Valentine’s Day fun, keep reading. We’ve got some hilarious quotes about the holiday to share with you as well. Enjoy!

Positive Funny Valentines Day Quotes

• “Here’s to stocking up on half-priced candy on February 15th!”
• “You’re so lucky to have me.”
• “You treat me like a unicorn even though I’m an *ss.”
• “Are you a dementor? ‘Cos you take my breath away?”
• “I love you as much as Kanye loves Kanye!”

• “I love you just the way I am!”
• “I love you because you are almost exactly like me, and I am the best!”
• “Roses are red, Violets are blue, Sunflowers are yellow, I bet you were expecting something romantic, but these are just gardening facts.”
• “If you were a Transformer, you’d be Optimus Fine.”
• “May your mid-November birthday be a constant reminder of your parents’ Valentine’s Day celebration.”

More Favorable and Funny Valentines Day Quotes

• “Are you a beaver? ‘Cause, dam!”
• “The brain is the most incredible organ. It works 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.”
• “You bring Joy to my life, so I’m giving you some back.”
• “On Valentine’s Day, a magnet said to another magnet, ‘you are very attractive.’”
• “A sweet for my sweet.”

Negative Funny Valentines Day Quotes

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• “May your beer be as cold as your ex’s heart!”
• “We didn’t kill each other during the lockdown. It must be love!”
• “I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen as a symbol for Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.”
• “Shoutout to all of the people buying last-minute gifts on Valentine’s Day.”
• “Love is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it. Thanks for being the pee in my pants.”

• “Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and so are you.
• “There’s no one else I’d rather lie in bed and look at my phone next to.”
• “Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably something else.”
• Also, the roses are wilting. The violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty, and so is your head.”
• “I already killed some helpless flowers for you. What else could you want?”

More Negative Funny Valentines Day Quotes

• “Celebrating Valentine’s Day with my favorite people: wine and chocolate.”
• “You’re the best person to spend this annual obligation with.”
• “I’m going to spend Valentine’s Day with my true love. Food.”
• “Netflix is my one, true love.”
• “One Day, my prince charming will come. He just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.”

Funny Valentines Day Quotes for Singles

• “You’re the one I text when I’m drunk. That’s love.”
• “I’m going to spend Valentine’s Day with my X… Box 360.”
• “Whoever said Valentine’s Day is only for lovers? I love you, my best friend! Happy Valentine’s Day.”
• “Single? No, I am in a relationship with Freedom.”
• “Here’s to celebrating Valentine’s Day like Han… Solo!”

Singles, Keep Giggling at These Funny Valentines Day Quotes

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• “In love with my best friend. Please don’t tell them!”
• “Be anti-social with me.”
• “To my favorite pain the *ss…”
• “Love the wine you’re with.”
• “Happy Chug-Wine-and-Eat-Chocolate-Alone Day!”

More Funny Valentines Day Quotes for Singles

• “Valentine’s Day is for couples. Us singles have the other 364 days of the year to enjoy ourselves!”
• “I never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude.” — Henry David Thoreau
• “Happy phony, romanticized, overly commercial, sucks to be single, pretend that it’s love, day!” 
• “S.I.N.G.L.E = Strong, Independent, Noticeable, Generous, Loyal and Enlightened”
• “I don’t need a man to rectify my existence. The most profound relationship we’ll ever have is the one with ourselves.” -Shirley MacLaine

RELATED: 175 Disney Quotes That Will Bring Back Childhood Memories

• “Being single doesn’t mean no one loves you. It means that *cough* God is busy writing your love story.”
• “If being in love is what it means to be free, then this Valentine’s Day my heart is in solitary confinement!”
• “Sometimes you have to stand alone to prove that you can still stand.”
• “This February 14th, take a moment to laugh thoroughly at your singlehood, everybody else does!” 
• “I’m single because I was born that way.” – Mae West

More Funny Valentines Day Quotes for Single Folks

• “I think, therefore I’m single.” – Liz Winston
• “Instead of celebrating Valentine’s Day this year, I’m celebrating Discount Chocolate Tuesday.”
• “I had every intention of celebrating Valentine’s Day, but when Cupid got around to me it seems he had run out of arrows.” 
• “Single is not a status. It is a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”
• “Valentine’s Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you’re single and lonely then it’s called Laundry Day.” – Dan Cook

Funny Valentines Day Quotes That Are Very Anti-V-Day

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• “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
• I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV.” – Tracy Smith
• “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?” – Lily Tomlin
• “Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” – Samuel Johnson
• “Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.” – Judith Viorst

More Negative But Funny Valentines Day Quotes

• “One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.” – Oscar Wilde
• “When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.” – Helen Rowland
• “It’s funny how we set qualifications to the right person to love when we know at the back of our heads the person whom we truly love will always be an exception.” – from Ally McBeal
• “Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need ten years before you can call yourself a beginner.” – Jerry Seinfeld
• “The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.” – Ann Landers

Funny Valentines Day Quotes That Prove Love Is Tough Stuff

• “Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.” – H. L. Mencken
• “An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
• “Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.” – Carroll Bryant
• “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” – Jerry Seinfeld
• “So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea.” – spoken by King Jaffe Joffer in Coming to America

More Funny Valentines Day Quotes About Love Difficulties

• “To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.” – H. L. Mencken
• “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
• “My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she’s afraid of the light.” – spoken by Dwight Schrute in The Office
• “I just want to be friends. Plus, a little extra. Also, I love you.” – spoken by Dwight Schrute The Office
• “Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on x-rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns

More Funny Valentines Day Quotes

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• “I got Valentine’s Day card from my girl. It said, ‘Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!’ Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.” – Robert Orben
• “The thing about Valentine’s Day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of.” – Faye Morgan
• “Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.” – W. Somerset Maugham in A Writer’s Notebook
• “Being single is pretty good. It’s a nice sense of irresponsibility.” – Michael Douglas
• “The last thing you want to get addicted to is someone.” – Aruho Marvin

Keep Reading for More Funny Valentines Day Quotes

• “True love comes quietly without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.” – Erich Segal
• “I like being single, I’m always there when I need me.” – Art Leo
• “Next February I’m going to file a lawsuit against Valentine’s Day for singles’ discrimination.” 
• “If lovers get half price off on Valentine’s Day, then singles should just get everything for free!”
• “A man without a woman is a bachelor. A woman without a man is a genius.” – Maxine

Even More Funny Valentines Day Quotes

• “Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife.” – Groucho Marx
• “If acquiring a boyfriend was as easy as becoming fat, I certainly would have had one to share my Valentine’s Day with.” 
• “As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy.” –Ralphie May
• “If you text “I love you” and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji is they don’t love you back.” – Chelsea Peretti
• “Whatever you look like, marry a man your own age—as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller

You Need These Funny Valentines Day Quotes

• “I wasn’t kissing her. I was whispering in her mouth.” – Chico Marx
• “Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone.” – Lewis Black
• “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” – Jean Illsley Clarke
• “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” – Garry Shandling
• “This year’s Valentine’s Day I will enjoy long, romantic walks to the fridge.”

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Final Funny Valentines Day Quotes

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• “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
• “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” – Erma Bombeck
• “Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband.”
• “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” – Henry Youngman
• “A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.”

Did these funny Valentines Day quotes make you want to laugh in the face of love? We sure hope they entertained and amused you. Use these quotes for cards, texts, social media posts, and more. Spreading laughter is a form of love, we believe. Spread these quotes far and wide!