A mom writes in asking for advice after she discovered that her cousin was one of the women her husband cheated on her with. However, because she found out years later, she and her cousin are the only people in their family who knows. Now, because the mom no longer wants to be around her cousin, she has been avoiding family functions and her family has been calling her out for it. The mom asks whether or not it would be a good idea to tell their whole family what happened.
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A member of the community asks:
“Many years ago, I was married to a man that, after a few years of marriage and two kids later, I found out he was cheating on me with multiple women, so I left him. After we divorced, he stopped making an effort to see our kids. This only shows what kind of a man he turned out to be.
Anyways, I am over the marriage, and I have since remarried and am very happy. My question is, I found out a few years ago that one of the women he cheated on me with was, in fact, my cousin, and I happened to be nine months pregnant at that time. She confessed to me, and I appreciated her telling me, but still, after all these years, I am hurt, angered, and feel betrayed. And I am having a really hard time acting as if I’m ok to be around her, but I’m not. I have no desire ever to see her again.
My other family members do not know about what she did to me, and they make me feel bad for not wanting to attend family functions and call me out as being the “black sheep” of the family. What do I do? This really bothers me. Do I call her out for what she has done to our other family members, or do I try and move on and pretend it never happened?“
– Mamas Uncut Community Member
Community Advice for This Mom Who Feels Betrayed by Her Cousin and Ex-Husband Who Cheated Together
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
Advice Summary
There wasn’t a general consensus for what this mother should do, but here is what a few of the commenters had to say.
One woman wrote, “You can’t pretend that it never happened but you can move on and try to rebuild a relationship with her. Involving the rest of the family will only cause more drama for both of you.”
Another person added, “Don’t beat yourself up because of other people’s foolishness. It’s so unfair for your part. You don’t have to talk to her there. You’re not the snake in the family.”
And someone else said, “I mean if you don’t want start extra drama, but also don’t want to be called out for abandoning your family, you can tell them that you and your cousin recently had a discussion and something came to light that you need time to process and until you’re done processing you’d rather not share space with her. Then tell them that it’s not something you care to go into any more detail about than that, and you’d prefer they respect your privacy (and hers if you care). But then you do need to process your feelings and work through them… try therapy, or take her to a couples counselor. She owes you that much, no? Whatever it takes to work through your hurt. Then you can find your way back to your family without that burden to carry. And it ultimately stays between the two of you… assuming everyone in your family is prepared to be adult about it. If you don’t care about making waves, then share why you’ve been staying away, or tell her she needs to tell people because you’re tired of being called out for something that really isn’t your fault. But you can’t go around in your feelings forever. You need to take steps to let this go, just like you did when you let him go. Holding grudges isn’t a good look, and it hurts you and your kids way more than it hurts her.”
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