Marriage is a difficult endeavor requiring tons of patience and understanding that many of us are not equipped with. Luckily, most of us turn to our favorite coping mechanism, humor to express our observations and frustrations with married life. Now, the best place to do this might not be a public forum like Twitter, but thankfully husbands share their funny thoughts there for us all to ogle at.
We decided to find some of the best tweets from husbands about their wives and this strange living arrangement many of us have adopted called marriage. Some tweets will make you uncomfortable while others hit so close to home that it might get hilariously personal. We hope you are ready for a good dad pun or two! Go forth and enjoy some tweets!
25. Chapped Lips Aren’t Cute
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
— Adrian Dad (@StyloDad) July 3, 2020
This man clearly doesn’t understand the necessity of lip moisture. If he can’t handle the balms, he should stay out of the console.
24. A Lot of Thought Went Into It
Just a heads up, if you exchange the gift your wife got you, even if it’s her idea and she’s quote “totally fine with it”, this act will be used against you in a future argument at some point in the next ten years
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) June 30, 2020
Giving a gift is a reflection of intimacy. Returning that gift is always a mistake.
23. Don’t Waste the Melon
My wife considers this “finished” pieces of watermelon. 4 years of marriage was a good run. pic.twitter.com/saPe1fAZLA
— JustinCurt L’Heureux (@jcurt87) July 7, 2020
If you’re not eating a slice of watermelon all the way down to the bitter rind, are you even really living? This is cause for divorce.
22. Living for the Moment
I always say “I love you” to my wife when she leaves because I’d hate for something to happen and the last thing she ever hears from me is, “while you’re at the store get poop bags.”
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 27, 2020
This is sound advice.
21. Moms Know What They’re Doing
My wife’s dinner vs. my dinner for the kids (I’m at the bottom) pic.twitter.com/C4tCFwLl97
— Jason Bradley (@imgettinbetta) July 7, 2020
While not all moms are cooking wizards, you better believe they’ll do their very best to get a nutritious meal on a table. These contrasting meals tell you everything you need to know about the work moms are putting in.
20. There’s a Method
There are 2 types of people in a marriage: the person who thinks their way of loading the dishwasher is best and the person who thinks their way of loading the dishwasher is best
— The Dad (@thedad) June 27, 2020
Marriage is all about compromise except when it comes to using household appliances.
19. Butter Pecan for the Win
my wife tries to own me IRL by buying me “old man” ice cream flavors at the grocery store, but the jokes on her, because they’re all very delicious
— tier 69 operator (@tacticaldipshit) July 5, 2020
When you’re turning into your dad.
18. Times Are Tough
I forgot today was our anniversary but my wife forgot too and that’s really the best gift she has ever given me.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 16, 2020
Celebrating an anniversary is always a challenge. So, why do it?
17. Valid Point
My wife can slice cheese without eating a slice herself and I am starting to wonder if she is even human.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 4, 2020
Cheese is one of life’s great pleasures. The self-control this must take is baffling.
16. Lil’ Joker
Me and my son on our way to disturb and annoy my wife… pic.twitter.com/n3PBtzHBJJ
— Fairly used boyfriend ???? (@brysonadahcole) July 1, 2020
Please give that woman a moment’s peace.
15. Thoughts on Open Marriage?
Yes with God and my wife https://t.co/PiwMtfWkNt
— Jerrick (@jerrick61) July 1, 2020
God is love, so they say.
14. A Haircut and Color is Hard to Come By
[three months into quarantine]
— black lives matter (@markhoppus) June 30, 2020
My wife’s BRUNETTE?!
We’re all learning a lot about our significant others in quarantine and a few husbands are surprised by their findings.
13. Texting While Married
[text]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 30, 2020
Me: Sex tonight?
Wife: Unsubscribe
When sexting goes wrong…
12. A Husband Who Knows His Place
In an alternate universe I’m in the same league as my wife
— crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) June 30, 2020
This is the tweet right here.
11. Twisted
My wife drank one of the beers in a six pack she got me for Father’s Day, so I ate 1/6 of her macaroni necklace
— RubMor (@QBruby) June 28, 2020
Revenge can take many forms in a relationship and this right here is a strange plot.
10. Organization is Key
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 22, 2020
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
“Honey, where’s my…” is the most uttered phrase my married men. Why? Inconsistency. Husbands, please put the things where they belong so precious time is not waisted.
9. A Birthday Message
Today’s is my wife’s birthday..she tells me she’s not on twitter but I suspect she secretly monitors my behavior..anyway without her I would be dead or in jail and even tho she’s terrifying at least half the time she’s awesome the rest..happy birthday Margaret..
— jim iuorio (@jimiuorio) July 7, 2020
This man is clearly lucky to be terrified by Margaret.
8. Crumbs in the Sheets
girl at bar: i’d let you do that thing in bed that your wife won’t
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) June 14, 2020
me: [visibly excited] eat cookies?
Eating in bed should be avoided at all costs. Please stop trying.
7. Just Don’t
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
— Batty (@BattyMclain) June 23, 2020
The audacity. This tweet is violence.
6. Not a Bad Deal
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 22, 2020
Convenience is key right now!
5. When You’re the Task Master
Txt from wife: where r u
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
There’s no shortage of chores to go around, so be sure to identify and complete or else suffer the instructions that make a house run.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE: 10 Hilarious Dad Memes about Fatherhood to Laugh at Dad on Father’s Day
4. A Breathtaking Admission
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 10, 2014
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
It’s important to make smart life choices and mature wisely.
3. What a Troll
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 18, 2015
What would you do if your partner caused a scene like this?
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE: 21 Laugh-Out-Loud Parenting Tweets from Exploding Unicorn, Twitter’s Funniest Dad
2. The Truth Hurts
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) May 24, 2015
You don’t know unless you know.
1. Dizzying
Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
This is a hilarious tweet for the ages.
There you go! 25 gut-busters from twitter about marriage from very relatable dads. We all need a good laugh sometimes and knowing how ridiculous other couples’ marriages are is so comforting.
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