A mom writes in asking for advice about her own mother and sister. She says she is conflicted about letting her mom and sister from whom she is currently estranged back in her life ahead of the arrival of her first child. She specifies that both her mom and sister are drug addicts and have been for a long time. Understandably, this mom has had a rough and complicated relationship with her family due to this. But her mom wants nothing more than to be there during the OP’s pregnancy and the arrival of her child. Is there a way she can invite them back into her life without it causing upset to her or her baby?
A member of the community asks:
“I am struggling with the thought of letting my mom and sister who are addicts in my child’s life: Advice?”
“I really need some advice. I am 26 weeks pregnant living on my own with my boyfriend supporting ourselves, and I don’t know if I should let my mother and sister in my baby’s life. My mother and sister are both drug addicts. They have been for YEARS. My mother has been one most of my life, and my sister followed right in her footsteps.
I know she doesn’t have much time left living the way she is. She’s 51 and still lives with my grandma. She wants more than anything to be apart of my life and pregnancy, but I’ve almost completely shut her out of my life. I’m scared to let them in his life because I know the hurt I’ve been through with them. I can’t let it happen to him. My boyfriend’s mom is ready to be a good grandma, and my grandma is ready to be a good great-grandma. I don’t know what to do. I feel lost.”
Community Advice for This Mom Who Is Conflicted About Letting Her Mom and Sister Back in Her Life… and Into Her Child’s
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
The community offered this mom in need a lot of great advice. Read some of their responses below.
“That is a hard NO. You only owe your child the best life. Introducing him to drug addicts is far from good on any level. Tell her in no uncertain terms what it will take to be a part of her grandchild’s and your life without any regrets!”
“You would think by now that people would start to somewhat understand addiction. Sadly it shows they don’t. That being said, I say no. If she wasn’t able to get clean and sober to be in YOUR life than she most likely will not for a grandchild…
… If you do decide to let her and your sister see your baby once and then tell them they need to get clean to be in his life, you need to stick to it. Do not feel bad and do another short visit. You give an addict 15 minutes and they won’t stop until they get an hour. I’m sorry you are going through this but happy to hear you have other grandparents ready for their role.”
“The best thing is to say no to them until they are clean. I was an addict and drunk for years; my husband and son left me. I finally got sober 5 years ago and my son, husband, and I are more close than ever before. It’s amazing. Your the mother you are the only one that can protect your children.”
“Your baby is the most important in your life now. Do not ignore your motherly instincts. Do what is best for your child.”
“If she really wants to be a part of your pregnancy and baby’s life, then she’d make the effort to clean up her life. Same for your sister. Until they clean up their lives and get sober, I wouldn’t have anything to do with either of them. Having drug users around your child can cause all sorts of problems. It can also cause CPS to get involved. I wouldn’t risk it at all.”
“Not being mean, but if her own kids weren’t enough for her to get clean, why would her grandchild be enough? I say no, unless proven to be clean and sober… you have to think of your child’s emotions as well.”
“My mother is an addict. She has only met my daughter once when she was about 4 months old and never again. She lives a life I do not want my child around! She says she is sober but I’ve been told that so much I never know when it’s the truth.”
“I can tell you from experience with my biological father, I allowed him back into my life after years of him letting me down, being in and out of prison and using, knowing he was still using I chose to let him come stay with us for a bit. It went well for a little while and then, sure enough, he eventually showed his true colors once again…
… Found out he was using, not in my home but would go to people’s houses and come back high, accusing my husband and I and even my children of stealing from him. Had to call the cops on him because he got violent with my husband. This is just my experience and my opinion but you can let them be around but don’t by any means let them have any kind of leverage over you or make you feel guilty for protecting your children. He isn’t in my life now; only phone calls every once in a while, but addiction is a battle that sadly I believe he will never overcome.”
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