175 Anti Jokes That You Can’t Help But Laugh At

Andrew Kreeger

3 years ago

Sometimes the funniest things are the most unexpected ones! Anti jokes capitalize on this by masquerading as a joke with a clear setup but what makes it different is that there’s no punchline! Yes, anti jokes slay because they offer something completely different than what the audience expects. They can be described as dark humor jokes but more accurately would be dry humor. In fact, as dry and ironic as they come.

Anti jokes have emerged as an art form with lovers of them perfecting panned deliveries. So, what makes a good anti joke? A very solid setup. Think of joke structures that you have heard hundreds of times. For instance, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” is probably the most obvious choice. Your goal is to not be clever. In fact, you want something mundane. So, the “punchline” would be “to get to the other side” or something as equally matter-of-fact or ironic. That’s the textbook example for this genre of joke.

Check Out These Hilarious Anti Jokes!

Basic Anti Jokes

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know one another.
Why did Suzie break open her piggy bank? She ran out of money.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not by speaking.
Do you know why I look like I can’t hear you? Because I can’t. My earbuds are in.
Someone stole my mood ring. I don’t know how to feel about it.
What do you call a joke that’s not funny? A sentence.

Anti Jokes That Everyone Loves

I was absolutely shocked when I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof.
Who shaves a minimum of 20 times a day? A barber.
What’s one activity you can do over and over again and not remember a single thing? Drinking alcohol.
How do you confuse someone? Paint yourself orange and throw spoons at them.
What did one Frenchman say to the other? I don’t know, I can’t speak French.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither can whistle.

Anti Jokes That Everyone Loves But Pretends to Hate

Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my ankle, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the 1980s.
A patient told the surgeon he couldn’t feel his legs. The surgeon replied: “I know. I amputated your arms.”
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear, then my illegal logging company is a success.
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
Two muffins are in the oven. One says to the other: “Dang, it’s hot in here.” The other replies: “Yeah, probably like 350 degrees.”
How is a bar of soap like your dreams? They both slip away.
What do monkeys and pancake batter have in common? They both love bananas.

Anti Jokes That Spread Joy

I accused my husband of being too immature. Then he told me to leave his fort.
How do you get someone to stop swinging on the tire swing? Cut the rope.
What did the man say when he couldn’t find his truck? “Where’s my truck?”
Why did the swan make a hissing sound? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Why did Samantha stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What did one man say to the other man next to the coffee machine? Coffee looks good.

Lovable Anti Jokes

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Why do flamingos stand on just one leg? If they lifted up the other one they’d topple over.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Who cares?
What do a helicopter and a banana have in common? Neither one of them is a police officer.
What’s the difference between a rabbit and a plum? They’re both purple, except the rabbit is not.
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard. I just picked up as I went along.
When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark. But as adults, the electricity bill is what makes us afraid of the light.

More Lovable Anti Jokes

Do you know why everyone is afraid to come to my home? It’s haunted.
Why did the girl drop her ice cream cone? She tripped.
What makes you laugh harder than your own child? A whoopie cushion.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving more than once.
Do you want to know what always makes people smile? Face muscles.
Do you know what they say? Words.
What did one raccoon say to another raccoon? Does my breath smell like trash?

Make Them Laugh with These Anti Jokes

Knock knock. Come on in!
A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave as they recognize the potential danger of a horse in a bar.
Learn sign language. It’s absolutely handy.
What’s blue and smells like orange paint? Blue paint.
Do you want to know my secret to sanity? White wine.
What did he give her on Valentine’s Day? Something red and lots of lies.
Why did the kid in the movie theater get yelled at? He was talking.

You’ll Be the Talk of the Party with These Anti Jokes

I talk to myself at times because I need advice.
How tall is the Empire State Building? An Empire State Building tall.
Why do you never see elephants hiding behind trees? They’re so good at it.
What’s best about living in Switzerland? Nothing, except the flag is a plus.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a “V” shape, one line is always longer than the other? Do you know why? Because there are more geese in the longer line.
Why did the therapist wipe away the T-Rex’s tears? He couldn’t reach his own face.
What do you call a pretty woman on the arm of a musician? A tattoo.

Folks Enjoy These Charming Anti Jokes

What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Nothing. Rice doesn’t speak.
Why are friends a lot like freshly fallen snow? If you pee on them they disappear.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. But also a pretty good spring and summer too.
What’s black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.
Did you fall from heaven? It looks like you landed on your face.
How do you know you’re a true 90s kid? When you look at your birth certificate, it says you were born between 1990 and 1999.
I’ve noticed something odd. Every other number.

Even More Fun Anti Jokes

How long will it take you to count to 100? Who cares?
What did the five fingers say to the face? Not a thing. Fingers can’t talk.
I still remember the last words my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Mary had a little lamb and the doctor fainted.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for over 65 million years.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.

Anti Jokes Are a Jam

A scientific fact: If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What did one doctor say to the other doctors? We’re doctors!
Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn’t. Numbers aren’t sentient and don’t feel fear.
I’d never tell you a pizza joke. It’d be too cheesy.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?” And I explained to him, “No it doesn’t!”
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.

Classic Anti Jokes

Why did the teacher tell Martha she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
I told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Guess what I saw today. Every single thing I looked at.
Every 60 seconds, a minute goes by.
What’s purple, pink, red, green, blue, and yellow? Colors.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him: “Why the long face?” The horse replies: “Evolution.”

Even More Classic Anti Jokes

Why did the postman die? Because everybody dies.
What did the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs say? T-Rex, sweetie, I’m coming in for a hug.
What is brown, sticky, and often smelly? Mud.
What did Batman say to Robin before he got into the Batmobile? “Robin, get in the Batmobile!”
Please, take my husband now! We have run out of gas and he’s late for work.
A guy walks into a bar… Then, he gets a drink.
What would Santa Claus be called if he had no hands? Probably still Santa Claus. But ultimately, it doesn’t matter. Santa Claus does not exist.

Anti Jokes to Break the Ice

How many lemons grow on a tree? All of them.
Never trust an atom. They make everything up.
What do you call a carrier pigeon that can’t find its way back home? A pigeon.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Being robbed.
Take your age and add 5 to it. It’s your age in 5 years.
Roses are dead. Violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.
I’m on a seafood diet. It’s going to be really hard for me because I lost a bet to a friend, and the problem is I am a vegan.

More Anti Jokes to Break the Ice

When did the astronaut who floated away from the spaceship come back? Never. He floats forever.
Want to hear something that will make you smile? Your facial muscles.
What do you call a pencil sharpener that can’t sharpen pencils? Broken.
What do you get when you mix a goat and a sheep? A geep.
What do you call a talking turtle? Fictional.
Why can’t dinosaurs laugh? Because they’re extinct.
What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer? “We’re both lawyers!”

Silly Anti Jokes

Knock, knock! I wonder who is at the door. I hope they know a good joke since levity is important in this cruel life. You have to smile sometimes.
What’s white and annoying at dinner? An avalanche.
What ended after 1988? 1989.
What does one French Guy say to the other French Guy? My name is also Guy.
What’s funny about five people in a Chevy Suburban driving off a cliff? Nothing. They were my pals.
You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends… But you can’t rob a bank. That’s a crime.
Why is there no aspirin in the rainforest? Because it wouldn’t be financially feasible to try and sell pharmaceuticals in an unpopulated rainforest.

Even Sillier Anti Jokes

When is the worst time to get a haircut? When you don’t want a haircut.
What does a dad joke sound like in space? As awful as it sounds on earth.
When is a dad officially a dad? When his jokes no longer get laughs.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Chickens had not evolved yet.
What came first, the chicken or the egg? Dinosaurs.
What do you call a speaking rabbit? A cartoon.
What do you call a car wash that won’t clean cars anymore? Broken.

Discover More Anti Jokes

What did the mosquito say to the other mosquito? This vein’s mine.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One.
Where was the Constitution signed? Right at the bottom.
Why did the dinosaur say “hi” to the little girl? He was being polite.
How does a white-tail deer jump higher than the average house? The average house can’t jump.
What did the pirate do before he buried his treasure? Dug a hole.
How did the man get a nosebleed? Because he got punched in the face.

Even More Playful Anti Jokes

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
Where do polar bears vote? Bears have no political views.
Where do ducks swim? A lake.
Where do people get married? Anywhere they like.
How do you change a person’s mind? Persuasion.
What did the chef chew on? Gum.
What do you call a bunch of cigarettes? A pack.

Absurd Anti Jokes

What’s white, red, and black all over? Your uncle’s face after a fight.
What do you call something that no one reads? A tweet.
What do you call something that no one reads? A book.
How many fingers am I holding up? The number of fingers I’m holding up.
Where do you put trash? The trashcan.
What’s the saltiest thing a sailor ever tasted? The sea.
Why do we dress baby boys in blue and baby girls in pink? Because they can’t dress themselves

More Absurd Anti Jokes

How do you tell time? You speak to it plainly.
Where do broken hearts go? Nowhere, they can’t walk.
What did the professional diver say? All aboard!
Who slipped on the banana peel? Anyone who stepped on it.
How do you unscrew a lid? The opposite way you screwed it on.
How do you make a grandma laugh? Tell her a joke.
Who is your favorite composer? My dad.

Ridiculous Anti Jokes

What do you call a woman with a shovel in her head? An ambulance.
What do you call a man with a bullet in his brain? An ambulance.
What do you call a person with a knife in his hand? A murderer.
How do you waste money? Throw it in the trash.
Where do barbers go to school? Barber school.
What do you drink when you’re thirsty? Water.
Don’t speak. I’ve heard it all before.

Weird Anti Jokes

What do you drink when you need a pick-me-up? Speed.
How do you hail a cab? Dump freezing rain on it.
What makes most people sweat? Anxiety.
What gives most people the chills? Cold air.
When does the sun come up? Dawn.
How do you take your coffee? In your hand.
What keeps most people up at night? A bed.

More Weird Anti Jokes

What’s yellow and something you shouldn’t drink? A school bus.
What’s yellow and something you shouldn’t drink? Urine.
How do you smile? With your face.
How do you cry? With tears.
How do you laugh? Your vocal cords.
What makes a dog bark? Whatever is bothering your dog.
What did the butcher smell? Fresh meat.

YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE: 125 Best Dark Humor Jokes

Our Favorite Anti Jokes

What did the cowboy say it his second rodeo? “This is not my first rodeo.”
What’s brown and bad for your teeth? A brick.
How do you confuse a blonde? It’s easy.
Why are there no Japanese people on Mars? The planet cannot sustain human life.
What did the man say on the moon? Nothing, he could not breathe.
You can tell a lot by looking at a woman’s hands. For instance, if she’s holding a gun, she’s likely angry.
What do you take to a gun range? A gun.

There you go! We hope you enjoyed these very silly anti jokes and they gave you something to laugh about. Anti jokes are all about the driest of dry humor so do your best to not be funny, and you’ll actually be funny. Jokes are great ice breakers and can aid you when you’re in a weird situation. Employ any of these humorous funnies and you won’t be disappointed!