Times are tough, but I know what might cheer everybody up: A (not-at-all) scientific investigation into the age-old question of, “Who Is The Cutest Baby in America?” Good news: I know the answer, and I am ready to back up my discovery with facts. (That absolutely doesn’t happen here, just so we’re clear.)
Country music star Cam and her husband, Adam Weaver, welcomed their first child, a baby girl named Lucy Marvel Weaver, on December 21, 2019. That news in and of itself is worthy of major celebration! But from a scientific (again: not really) perspective, the more interesting element of this news is: Lucy is the cutest baby in America???
Now, let me state this up front: I am not really interested in ranking babies by cuteness or any other factor. All babies are cute! My study (it’s not a study) is not designed to disparage babies other than Lucy Marvel! I would never! And I sense that Lucy would never want me to, which, if I am being honest, is one of the great facts (not a fact) about her that makes me think she is probably the cutest and also kindest and funniest and sweetest baby in America.
Instead, my goal is to highlight the heartwarming adorableness of this baby girl who brings a smile to my face every time I see her in my Instagram feed, with a little bit of hyperbole thrown in the mix to make this a little clicker. (Because at the end of the day, we still have bills to pay.) But also… I’m pretty sure I’m right.
And so, without further delay, allow me to present the evidence that proves my theory that Cam’s daughter, Lucy Marvel Weaver, is the cutest baby in America!
EXHIBIT A: The Squeaker
Did you watch the video clip embedded above? Did you? Because if you did, chances are you already agree with my claim that Lucy is the cutest baby in America! As you saw in the clip, titled “First Music Lesson,” Cam lets out a high whistle, and Lucy then chimes in with a heart-piercing shriek to match. Those high notes! Mariah Carey is shook! In fact, we reached out to the living legend with the five-octave range for comment, and all she had to say was, “I don’t know her.” Clearly jealous! (We did not reach out to Mariah Carey, but if you have her contact info, feel free to pass it on!)
EXHIBIT B: The Chonky Smile
One of the best things little Lucy has going for her is her serious chonk. She’s a chonky baby, and we love a chonky baby. There is nothing better than a baby with some heft, you know? Lucy wears it well. Note the skin folds at the wrists and elbows. It’s *chef’s kiss* perfection. She also wears a smile well. Like really, really well. The kind of smile that could turn a bad day around. The chonk plus the smile… My goodness… Again, this is science (not at all) that I’m talking about here. The proof, as they say, is in the pudding.
EXHIBIT C: Her Sense of Wonder
“All babies have a sense of wonder,” I hear you saying. Well, let me stop you there. That may be true, but is it really? I’ve known a baby or two who, if placed in a cardboard box with some sparkly lights, would exude no wonder! Absolutely none! They’d probably just fall asleep! That’s not a criticism of those babies, but it is point: Lucy. Bonus points for the little kicks, which no other baby does. (They all do.)
EXHIBIT D: The Lounger
Netflix and chill? Never has it seemed more appealing! I wonder what Lucy’s thoughts on Tiger King are? Can’t say I want every baby’s opinion on Tiger King, so… Science (not) once again demands that we consider that fact (not a fact) when choosing to name Lucy as America’s cutest baby.
EXHIBIT E: A Serious Music Fan
In this clip, please note Lucy’s impressively determined expression give way to pure joy as the sound of Cam’s powerful voice soars. Supporting her mom’s musical projects at just four months? An icon! A supporter of the arts! An amazing daughter! And… America’s cutest baby, as determined by science. (Science had nothing to do with this!!!)
I mean… are you f*****g kidding me?!?!?! HEART-EYES EMOJI!
Scientifically (…) speaking, it was clear even from her birth announcement… Can’t argue with facts! (You may, however, argue with opinions.)
* Nothing in this post is scientific, highly or otherwise. It is all based solely on one person’s opinion. Just because that opinion happens to be the correct one does not mean you should take the contents of this article as actual scientific fact. Unless, you know, you want to, because, clearly, I am right.
Matt is a writer, editor, and content strategist currently based in Washington state. He has worked as a managing editor for the iconic I Can Has Cheezburger, Celebuzz (a SpinMedia site), and now Mamas Uncut. He also acted as the Social Media Director for CafeMom.
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