15 Food Fails So Tragically Bad They Warrant a Criminal Investigation

We’ve all experienced a food fail at least once in our lives and if we’re honest, probably once a month. The art of cooking can be elusive for some while it comes naturally to others. We’re here to talk about the folks who consistently burn toast, who overcook pasta every time, who couldn’t bake a cake if their lives depended on it. These folks often get ambitious and attempt to make a dish that’s beyond their skillset and, while we all have aspirations, we need to get real with ourselves.

We decided to take a deep dive into food fails to find for you some of the most criminally wrong “food.” These folks abused their ingredients, held them hostage, and then transformed them into a creation hitherto unknown. Before we get started, we have a couple of tips for home cooks who want to do better. First, use a well-sourced recipe and read it all the way through at least twice before you begin. Second, don’t have murder on your mind when you cook or bake. It shows. Here are 15 food fails so disgustingly bad they should be censored.

This Is A Homicide

This appears to be a murder victim. But, if you take a closer look you’ll see that it’s a bacon-wrapped meatloaf with spaghetti hair, almond teeth, cherry tomato cheese eyes, and a lot of sadness. Please don’t do anything like this.

A Strudel with a Case of Stolen Identity

This person who shared this food fail explained that they were attempting to make a strudel. Does this look like strudel to you? No! Because it’s a lie and this is clearly a block of coal.

These Meatballs Are a Choking Hazard

These dry, flavorless, sauceless, grey meatballs look so very said. We do not know this for sure, but foods that look this dry tend to get caught in the throat, latched by their dryness, if you will. Don’t even think about taking a bite. It could be your last.

Tacos But Make Them Poison

Have you ever owned a cat? If you know, then you know, but for all others out there, these “shrimp” have some serious issues. Firstly, they look more like little link sausages than shrimp. Secondly, what the hell is a buffalo shrimp taco? Did we somehow miss a trend? This will undoubtedly make your entire life flash before your eyes if you eat it. Don’t.

Chilaquiles Took Their Revenge on Nachos

This sad-looking broken plate of nachos sure made a mess of this person’s oven and is unquestionably a fail. Perhaps they should have stuck with the more traditional Mexican dish, chilaquiles, which commercialized nachos are loosely based on.

Unicorn Meat Is Illegal

This is clearly processed and boiled unicorn meat, right? There’s no other excuse for this pink plate of mess. Do not hunt the world’s withering population of unicorns. What a shame.

We’d Like to Report a Crime Against Shellfish

We don’t know how this happened. We don’t want to know how this happened. We want to forget we saw it as this is one of the most gruesome crime scenes we’ve ever laid eyes on.

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This Is Indecent Exposure

“Breakfast lollipop featuring Jalapeno [sic] Cheddar Sausage, farm fresh eggs, and barbecue sauce,” the person who shared this image informed its viewers. There’s something so unseemly here. No one ever wants a savory lollipop or to see anything like this on their table, or anywhere else for that matter.

Call the Pancake Police

We’ve got a series of brutal atrocities against pancakes for you to learn from. This is supposed to be a zucchini pancake which just seems wrong to begin with, but then they topped their “scrambled pancake” with peanut butter, blueberries, and yogurt which looks like mayonnaise.

Call the Pancake Police We’ve Got a Repeat Offender

The person who shared this image described the desired result as a “blueberry protein pancake.” Is cardboard a good source of protein or did we miss something? These pancakes somehow also resemble oysters and we just can’t.

What Did Pancakes Ever Do to You, People?

Please, for the love of god, learn how to make a plain old basic pancake before you find yourself with a mess like this. Did pancakes hurt you? The person who “made” this mess asked, “Can I get away with saying a mermaid made them?” No! Mermaids aren’t real! Unicorns? Yes. Mermaids? Not a chance.

Notify the Embassy of the Socialist Republic of Vietnam

The person who shared these alien embryos had intended to make Vietnamese shrimp spring rolls. The result is an insult to the entirety of Vietnam, its people, its culture, its foodways, and its language.

Child Endangerment, Plain and Simple

Just as a rule of thumb, nothing baby-shaped belongs in the oven. You can take that tip to the bank! This makes us so uncomfortable we’re going to move to the disgusting creation that’s next on the list.

Keep Your Toads Out of Those Holes

Toad in the hole or Sausage Toad is a traditional English dish consisting of sausages in Yorkshire pudding batter, usually served with onion gravy and vegetables. Generally, it looks pretty disgusting when done right, but this looks so bad on a variety of levels that we can’t discuss here because we’re afraid to.

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Chaos Reigns

Lord, grant me the strength… The person who shared this unsightly crime scene described this dish as a “hotdog pie.” It consists of a filling of ground beef, a “crust” of weenies, and a topping of ketchup, mustard, and relish. The sick mind behind this should probably get a psych evaluation.

How many calories do expect this list will keep you from intaking today? Will you ever eat again? What is an appetite, anyway? We hope you enjoyed this silly list. In all honesty, we love adventurous cooks who aren’t afraid to push the envelope and try something new. However, there’s a line and these people crossed it.