A mom writes in asking for advice about her husband’s relationship with their neighbor. This mom explains that she and her husband have neighbors with whom they’ve been friendly over the years. The neighbor’s husband is in the military and is sometimes deployed. This mom noticed that while deployed, her own husband’s relationship with the man’s wife was developing, and the two have become very good friends and often do things together. A lot of things about the situation make the OP uncomfortable and jealous. Does she have a right to be? Or is she overreacting?
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A member of the community asks:
“Is it strange that my husband hangs out with a girl 12 years younger than him and who is married?
We have neighbors that moved in about 1.5 years ago. My husband has always been social with them and has their phone numbers and texts them. About four months ago, I started talking with them and exchanged numbers with the wife. We talk almost daily, and they always hang out with our two kids and us.
The husband is in the military and deploys every so often, which means the wife comes to hang with us for dinner and just hanging out. She recently just had a baby, and we help her out babysitting and around the yard. Recently she and my husband have been texting a lot, and they started to make plans to go play tennis together and didn’t invite the kids to go or me. He invited her over to dinner without telling me, and then they went together to pick up the food, and I was left at home watching her baby. I asked my husband if there is something going on, and he says, No!
He said since I don’t like to do a lot of sports and things with him, then he finally found a friend to go do those things with. I know I am jealous that she is 12 years younger than us and super pretty, and I looked like that when I was her age, But is it ok for them to hang out and not always to tell me. They now talk daily and go to play tennis all the time. I have started inviting myself, and it pisses my husband off because he says it’s like I am babysitting him. He said friends could be men or women, and it shouldn’t matter; we just have to trust each other.
I just don’t feel comfortable with it, and he said he doesn’t care because he is having fun playing sports with someone. Now all I can think about is something that is going to happen. When he gets a message, I always instantly think it’s her. I have brought it up a few times, and he just tells me I am crazy and that if I was to go hang out with her husband and do something we both enjoy since he also doesn’t do tennis that he would think it’s great. I really don’t believe that, and I would ever feel comfortable with that. Should I just let it go and be happy that he has a friend to do stuff with?”
– Mamas Uncut Community Member
Community Advice for This Mom Whose Husband’s Friendship with a Younger Woman Is Upsetting Her
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
The community offered this mom in need a lot of great advice. Read some of their responses below.
“My husband is a retired lifer from the Army. I have seen this kind of behavior from other Army wives when husbands are deployed or away for a while. Believe me when I say to trust your gut instincts! #1) It’s very wrong in the etiquette. #2) You need to tell that woman your feelings on the matter #3), because she needs to know. #4) If you sit back and just let your husband dictate, then that’s on you, dear. Your feelings matter too, you’re THE WIFE!”
“There is nothing about this situation that is ok!! No way in hell I’d be ok with any of this! He gets pissed off that you’re going that is a major red flag. I’m telling you little miss would not be having any more dinners at my house!”
“It stopped being okay the moment he started ignoring your concerns and hanging with her anyways. Just a friend shouldn’t supersede wife.”
“This is a huge red flag! And even if nothing is going on & they are just friends, it’s still crossing the line. My bf’s best friend is a girl, they’ve been friends since before we got together and I know absolutely nothing would happen BUT he would never just go and not tell me. It’s a respect thing. But their relationship seems like the beginning of what’s going to be an affair.”
“If he gets pissed that you want to go then something is wrong! I thought you were all friends. They can still be friends and play tennis. Why on earth would he get pissed because his wife would want to go with him? UNLESS something is going on and you would be in the way!”
“The defensive behavior is a red flag to me. It’s not so much about going and playing tennis, it’s doing it behind your back, conveniently forgetting to mention her coming over for dinner, when you bring it up- him gaslighting you to make you feel crazy. All of these things aren’t okay…
… I feel like someone who had nothing to hide and really did only just enjoy a friendship would be like “I never thought about it like that but I’ll tone it down and make sure you’re cool with us going to play tennis before I make plans again” or whatever it is… And that’s not to say that I think he’s definitely cheating, but he is obviously defensive for a reason, even if it’s just in thoughts.”
“You said they text all the time, right? So here’s what you do. Casually ask him to read their messages. Either that or pick up his phone in front of him. If he gets all defensive about you just asking, or about you just touching his phone then you have your answer.”
“Speaking from a man’s point of view, if nothing had happened yet, it’s going to. You shouldn’t be babysitting for your neighbor’s child while she goes off with your husband. It’s a recipe for trouble.”
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