This time last February, the couple announced how they had lost their baby six months into Gonzales’ pregnancy. Then, in September, the couple announced they were expecting again — revealing this little one was also a girl.
Gonzales posted a raw Instagram post reflecting on her pregnancy loss after one year.
“This day last year, 1/30/20, in my 7th month of pregnancy, I walked into a drs appointment SO excited to see our girl,” she wrote.
“Kellan was in NY and I was in LA where our dr was. (He was going to wrap the show & we were going to deliver in LA) I was practically giddy in the drs office and couldn’t wait to send him pictures and videos of our daughter. Instead, I had to call him and tell him that our sweet girl was with with Jesus. Even though she was still in my body.”
“Talk about psychological torment,” she continued.
She said the following weeks “were rough,” as she attempted to wrap her “head around everything that had happened.”
“One minute I was creating a birth plan, the next I’m lucky to be alive and on birth control bc if I got pregnant again I could die. Um, what? How was this my life?” Gonzales added.
“I had so much invested in the ‘next chapter’ of our lives and it was literally HERE. Until it wasn’t. I was confused. We were broken.”
“But the one thing I did *intentionally* was try to give God EVERYTHING. Not just the things I understood or felt comfortable giving Him. Did I want to know the reasons? Yes. Was I tempted to go into dark, dark spirals of depression and disappointment because of all I had lost? Yes,” she continued.
“But I knew God could only trade the ashes for beauty if they were in His hands. As long as I was holding onto my pain He couldn’t turn it into purpose.”
“One year to the day later I sit here 35 weeks pregnant with the most incredible gift in my belly,” added Gonzales.
“My marriage stronger than ever. My faith stronger than ever. And to think I’d have none of this had I not walked through that.”
On his Instagram page, Lutz, 35, wrote, “The difference a year can make…so excited to meet our rainbow baby girl in a few weeks! Thank you God!”
With a background in the creative and educational fields, Amelia Finefrock is freelance writer, singer-songwriter and nanny based in Chicago.
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