A wife writes in asking for advice about her husband having a baby, with a woman much younger, when they were separated. In her comment, she is very worried about the daily interactions between them about the baby.
A member of the community asks:
I found out my husband had a baby with someone much younger: Advice?
So maybe I am overreacting, but I’d like to hear some opinions. My husband and I were separated for 3 years. We got back together in august 2018. 2 months before that, I found out through Facebook he had a baby girl with a much younger woman. I never knew they were expecting. At this time, she was still trying to get back with him. It took him a while, but the baby’s mom agreed to let him see her even though he and I were back together. We have been raising her since. I’ve tried to be civil with her because we are “co-parenting” sort of, and I watch the baby on my days off and stuff, so when I need to, I text her. (Ex. The baby fell asleep so let her spend the night, I’m off tomorrow I’ll babysit all day) she will reply, but whenever she gets off of work early even though she knows I’M the one watching her, she will call my husband at work and have him call me to let me know she’s on her way to pick her up.
I know they need to keep in touch for the baby’s sake, but we went on vacation in Sept, and he kept sending her pictures of the baby while at the beach or at the hotel, random places when she was looking cute or whatever. I feel like when she’s with us, it’s her time with us. Momma has her time with her to have those cute picture opportunities. She does the same thing. I know she’s sent him random pictures of memes or places that have nothing to do with the baby, and I’ve talked to him about it, and he just says I’m crazy, and it’s always just about the baby. She calls him at different times of the day when he’s at work, and the baby will be with me, so it’s not like she’s checking up on the baby. He’s called her while on his way to work also. The longest conversations have been 10 minutes. These calls I’ve seen before he erases the logs. He never keeps texts or calls logs unless he forgets to erase them, and I sneak a peek. Do I need to chill the ef out, or should I worry even more?
Community Advice For This Mom Whose Husband Had a Baby With A Younger Woman While They Were Separated
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below:
The Community responses were pretty much unanimous: Either accept it or move on. The majority felt that what was happening, although not necessarily normal, is to be expected. Read some responses from the community below:
“No one ever deletes their call log unless they’re hiding something. I don’t think it’s wrong her sends her pictures of her child when she is doing things she will probably want to see. I also don’t think it’s wrong for them to be friends. But I do think it’s shady he deletes those messages, but you’re also at some point going through his phone so can I really blame him for not wanting you to? It’s kind of like this, can you live with the fact he has to have a certain level of friendship with the mother of his child or can you not? You guys got back together and he had a life those two years you weren’t together and that means this woman will be in your lives forever because of the child. You either get over it or leave.“
“They have a baby, get used to it or leave. I’d be heartbroken if I didn’t get sent pictures of my daughter while she was with someone else. She probably finds it difficult to talk to the woman who’s with her baby daddy, I know I would.“
“You all need to sit down and discuss boundaries and enforce them. Tell him how you feel. Tell her she needs to contact you directly. He may be flirting on the side and secretly enjoying the attention from her.”
When reading the post I had to say that the concern seemed to be more with the interaction between the two than the age difference. It is hard to give advice in a situation because ultimately a person has to do what they themselves can live with. The best advice I could give is to express your feelings. As a group sit down and talk about what sacrifices you are all willing to make and what you aren’t willing to accept. You have to take the time to think of the things you want to be stated and you must be honest with each other. Once this agreement is established it should be done in writing. In this way, all know what is expected from them and what is not acceptable. Trust needs to be established from the very beginning. If you can do this then you can be successful with making it work.
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Dawn Onye is a Certified Lactation Counselor. With this certification comes education and her own experience helping mothers and babies with breastfeeding. With her CLC, she is required to keep herself up to date on the research studies, conferences, and training related to breastfeeding. She chose this field not just because she is an advocate for the benefits of breastfeeding, but because she sincerely loves working with mothers and babies. Her mission is not to push breastfeeding on all mothers and babies, but to help all mothers reach the goals they have and to provide the expertise for them to do so. The most important thing in life is to do what is best for your family without judgment from others.
Dawn is also a wife and a mother. She has four children ranging from 12 to 19 years old. She can help many families with tips and tricks she has learned along the way. She loves to read and write. Her favorite seasons are spring and fall, although she does enjoy summers while spending time with her family. There has been no greater accomplishment in life for her than being a mother.
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