A mom writes in asking for advice about her mother-in-law. This mom has had a truly terrible relationship with her mother-in-law, to the point where they pretty much cut off all contact. Now, though, her mother-in-law has cancer, and this mom is wondering if it would be wrong to continue excluding her MIL from her life. Both she and her husband (her MIL’s son) are conflicted and don’t know what to do, given the toxic nature of the relationship.
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A member of the community asks:
“Would it be wrong to cut my mother-in-law out of my life?
This will be long, and I’m sorry about that. Please, no, mean comments as this is already a tough situation. My husband’s mother has just found out she has cancer. It’s been a year since she’s seen my daughter or me. And around nine months she’s seen my husband or talked to but here and there.
The back story is for me. She has tried to fist fight me. She has set up for me and my husband’s ex to fight and for her to be at her house to see my husband. All just to bother me. I’ve never done one thing to this woman, and all she has done is made my life hell and spread rumors about me. She has told lies to his ex so she will keep the kids away. His mother then gets the kids and won’t tell him she has them for him to see them.
When my daughter was born, she paid no mind to her and made it all her daughter’s son, who was born after my daughter. I never asked her for anything, but after a year of dealing with it after she was born and more lies were spread, I told my husband I couldn’t do it anymore, and he agreed. After we stopped going, which honestly was only holidays anyways, she made lies up about how I never let her hold her or into my house to visit, but she never wanted to come in. She always wanted to sit in the car and visit my husband never asked about our daughter.
Now why they don’t talk is because his mom told his ex he was going to take the kids and keep them from his ex. Which was a lie cause we didn’t even have the kids his mom did, and we didn’t know until a family friend told us. Now she told him she has cancer and neither one of us knows what to do. We are trying to go through the courts for the kids, but yet his mom once again just had the kids and never told him. His ex has cut off all contact changed numbers and everything the kids live 2 hours from us.
She also lied to the ex and said we would get the kids and drop them to her, and he wouldn’t see them, which was never true if we had them for a week or so we would let them go to her house to stay the night. I feel bad for my husband about possibly losing his mom, but I still want to keep my daughter and me away she’s only 2, so there was never a relationship.
But did I’m at a loss on what to do because I know the drama and lies will continue. My husband himself doesn’t even know what he wants to do. Again please no mean comments. I still didn’t even put in half of what has happened between. Thank you for taking the time to read sorry if it doesn’t make sense a lot to try to fit in there.”
– Mamas Uncut Community Member
Community Advice for This Mom Who Wants to Know if It Would Be Wrong to Cut Her Mother-in-Law, Who Has Cancer, Out of Her Life
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
Advice Summary
The community offered this mom in need a lot of great advice. Read some of their responses below.
“Who knows??? Maybe she doesn’t really have cancer and is using this to further manipulate… seems like she likes causing discord and having the upper hand.”
“Your husband still needs to keep his foot down when it comes to his mother respecting his family… it’s amazing how people use having an illness as an excuse to still act horribly… if anything that should be a humbling experience for her…
… Your husband can still be there for his mother but moms has to be respectful if not then she’ll lose her son…this is a tuff one as far as moms being sick…and pray fully she’s not lying about that to get her sons attention… if she’s done all that you’ve said I’d still keep my child from her until she can show honestly that she’s changed and apologize…. Until then we wouldn’t have nothing to talk about…wish her well no ill intentions but don’t budge.”
“Just bc she has cancer doesn’t make it okay for you to forget how you were treated. You shouldn’t have to. Toxic is always gonna be toxic. You’re still healing it sounds like, don’t put yourself back through it all over again. My mother in law treated me the same way. My son & I don’t go around. Only my husband does & he set firm boundaries for them.”
“Toxic is toxic. Doesn’t matter if they’re family, friends, have cancer or in good health. Do not ever feel obligated to keep a toxic person around. EVER. Period.”
“If your husband wants to go and see his mom, I would let him. Otherwise, I would stay away and keep your daughter away. Doesn’t sound like she would care to see you guys anyway.”
“Toxic is toxic. Family can, unfortunately, be the most toxic. No one needs that in their life regardless of bloodlines. I think you need to keep yourself and your family healthy. Trust your inner voice and the internal warning. They’re rarely wrong.”
“It’s your decision to keep your baby and yourself away. It’s not your decision if your husband wants to see his mother though. Keep yourself safe and away from the toxicity.”
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