Picking a name for your child can be anxiety-inducing. You want to pick a great name that not only reflects your traditions and values but also is unique and meaningful. The goal is to pick a name that your child won’t be ridiculed for or isn’t too controversial. Some parents really excel in decision making and choosing a name is easy. Others get caught up in the details and overthink it. Whether it’s from a lack of thought or just too much thinking, parents have bestowed upon their children some exceptionally horrific names. Just think of some names that celebrities have chosen lately: Moroccan, Zuma Nesta Rock, and Banks Violet come to mind. But if you can believe those celebrity parents could have done much, much worse. Author Russell Ash decided that he would research and collect awful baby names and turn his fruitful findings into books. Potty, Fartwell & Knob, which were actually given names, became the title of his most popular baby name book. We took a look at some of the names he was able to find and some that we’ve come across to bring you the 30 worst baby names. Naming a baby is not a game, folks!
Parents were hoping to raise an egghead when they decided to name their child Quiche. Good ol’ Quiche was born in 1900 in Ohio and while we don’t have the full name, we have a suspicion that Quiche’s middle name was Lorraine.
One couple looked at their baby and thought travel trailer. The freewheeling soul who got named Caravan was born in 1857 in Canada.
Sweet, little Wanker was born to two cruel parents in New York in 1856. We will not waste your time with a name origin or meaning here. Please take your time when considering names for your child. Wanker is a tragedy.
Like Quiche, Custard was also given an unfortunate egg-inspired name. Custard was brought into this world in 1876 to deranged foodies from Virginia. If you can think of a good nickname to make out of Custard, please inform us.
Poor, pitiful Poof. Poof was a proud Iowan who was born in 1859. As the name suggests, Poof’s time in Iowa was fleeting and he ended up traveling north for the Klondike Gold Rush. Let’s hope Poof struck it rich and lived large in Alaska. After receiving the name, he deserved a change in fortune.
A baby born in 1888 to parents in South Carolina was given the name Gassy. Gassy! This child’s parents named him after flatulence. We get that the 1880s were a different time, but has this name ever been okay?
Let’s give credit where credit is due, you don’t hear this name every day! Perhaps it’s pronounced “poo-bey” or “poo-bee.” We don’t why on earth Canadian parents gave their child this name in 1904.
We assume the conversation around this name went something like this:
“Do you have any idea what we should name the baby?”
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“Why not the first two letters of the Greek alphabet but smashed together? Thoughts?”
“I love it!”
Alphabeta was the name given in the 19th Century to an English baby. The name was not the result of A/B testing.
22. A. Blob
Let’s not just limit ourselves to first names because initials matter people! This baby’s initials spell “a blob.” Coincidentally, that’s how most of us feel at the end of a day, so it could be a fitting name.
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21. F. Ewe
Sweet F. Ewe overcame the baggage associated with his name and was married in London in 1899. We can only imagine that F. Ewe was a person who did not take anyone’s BS.
20. Etta Lot
Some parents don’t fully map out a baby’s name. You need to know how the full name is going to sound. Case in point: Etta Lot, who was probably a very nice woman. However, her name was not ideal. Etta Lot was born in 1877 in Mississippi.
According to marriage records, a person named Garage was married in London in 1860. Someone must have been very much in love to overlook this bad name.
18. Anice Bottom
Anice Bottom charmed the world in 1837 England when she first graced us with her presence. Anice Bottom’s parents were probably too modest to even notice the harm they’d done in naming their child Anice Bottom.
17. Y. Nott
You just know that Y. Nott was a chill guy. Y. Nott was born in Staffordshire in 1930. How many “why not?” jokes do you think this person endured throughout their lifetime.
Only in Alabama would you find a child with the first name Drug. Drug was born in 1847 in the Yellowhammer State. According to birth records, this wasn’t a derivative or nickname. Just Drug.
15. Gladys Friday
TGIF! Gladys Friday must have been the product of some good-times-loving parents. Gladys Friday was born in England in 1900. Her name has us ready for the weekend!
We at Mamas Uncut love food a lot. Some of us are even fans of hard, cured sausage. However, the name Salami is indefensible. English parents in the 1840s came up with this name. Do you think they were inspired by food tourism in Italy or just thought it sounded good?
13. Augusta Wind
The city of Chicago is often called “the windy city.” Parents in this town took things a little too far when they named their little Chicagoan Augusta Wind.
Sigh. In 1896 in the state of North Carolina, a Sucker was born. What were these parents actually thinking? It can’t have been easy to have gone through life with a name like Sucker…
Balls was born in the mid 19th Century in England. Balls must have had a difficult life with the name, Balls. Where the parents of Balls famed jugglers?
10. F. Ingood
F. Ingood was born in the shire of Bedford in 1777. F. Ingood most likely lived a carefree existence free from the hardships that others faced because he was… F. Ingood.
Perhaps the distant relative of Salami, Lasagna was born in 1968 in North Carolina. We’re not sure what’s in the air down there. You just know that Lasagna got himself cat and named it Garfield. That’s the only reason for this name to exist in this world.
8. Fay King
Fay King strived for a life of authenticity, but alas, she was Fay King. Ms. King was born in 1927 in England, but can you even trust that information?
7. Elle Vator
To be fair, elevators were all the rage in the 1860s when Ella Vator was born. Many industrialists at the time were all trying to beat one another to the next big innovation. We assume that Ella Vator’s parents were just trying to get ahead of the trend, but we’re probably wrong.
6. One Too Many
We’re not experts on British name classifications of the 1870s, but One Too Many was the name listed for a child in Essex. We’re not sure if the parents had “one too many” and the baby was the result, or if the baby itself was an unwanted addition to an already large family. As in, “we already have seven mouths to feed and this one is one too many.”
Look out, Lasagna and Salami! Your estranged cousin, Banana, is climbing the list here. Banana was born in 1919 in England. We feel so bad for Banana. A great name for a monkey, sure, but not a human.
Not to be confused with the name Harry à la Prince Harry, Hairy was born in 1878 to bad-namers in England. The insults just write themselves with this name.
3. Barbie Cue
In the year of our Lord, 1819 two Scottish parents decided to name their little one Barbie Cue. We were under the impression that the Scots preferred fried foods, but these parents must have had exotic tastes. Poor Barbie Cue.
The act of burping a baby can be soothing, but do you really want to name a child that? Good old Burp was born in 1771. We wonder if Burp ever met Gassy. We think they’d get along.
1. Aberycusgentylis Balthropp
Believe it or not, Aberycusgentylis Balthropp was actually named for another person! Alberico Gentili was an Oxford Professor and Jurist. Aberycusgentylis Balthropp was born in 1648. May the people who lived to try and pronounce his name rest in peace.
There you have some of the worst baby names ever! We all make mistakes, but if we could just take a little time to think out the baby’s name, the world would be a little less embarrassing.
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