Breastfeeding is beautiful, but aspects of it can seem downright weird. First, there’s the fact that your body can secrete enough milk for a human being to quadruple in size over a matter of months. Stranger still is the plethora of products designed around the fact that we feed our offspring like the mammals we are.
Some of these products are lifesavers. Others are time- or money-savers. Some are just plain bizarre. And some are all of the above, plus more. Below, a quick tour of some of the weirdest breastfeeding products available on Amazon:
This clear silicon thingamabob, which looks kind of like a deflated adult toy with a flower coming out of the top, purports to allow moms to manually express breast milk “easily, directly, and effectively.” The idea is you smoosh it over your nipple and the natural suction of the fit draws milk out.
While not exactly a replacement for a regular pump, some moms swear by it for quickie pumping in the car, expressing off the top to help baby latch, or corralling leaks while their babies nursed on the other side. Success seems to depend largely on boob shape (rather than size), with some moms singing its praises while others can never get the right fit. Your mileage may vary.
That flower, btw, is a stopper so the milk doesn’t spill. Cute, maybe? (Still one of the weirdest breastfeeding products out there.)
The LactaMed Simplicity Hands-Free Bra Kit claims to turn any nursing bra into a pumping bra and work with any breast pump. The idea is you unclip your nursing bra, slip this on top, adjust the straps around your pump flanges, and let that sweet milk flow.
Despite the name, the LactaMed Simplicity Hands-Free Bra Kit resembles a cross between a pair of shoelaces and something out of 50 Shades of Grey. Whether it works seems to be a toss-up: with over 1,450 reviews on Amazon, 49% of users give it 5 stars, while the rest sit pretty evenly across the 1-4-star spectrum.
The verdict? If you hate pumping bras (and, let’s be honest: who doesn’t hate pumping bras?) and have $14 to spare, it may be worth a try.
Are you a modest mom not comfortable letting it all hang out? Do you hate the idea of sunlight or strangers peeking into your little love’s car seat? Do you demand multi-tasking products to match your multitasking lifestyle? If so, you might be in the market for this stretchy, stripey tube of fabric!
In breathy, bombastic marketing copy, the product description claims: “Gufix has the single greatest breastfeeding product you will probably ever buy…. not only does it cover you 360 degrees, not only is it super light and stylish, not only can it be used as a shopping cart cover, but it can also be used as a Car Seat Cover! You know what that means? At least 3 less things to carry around with you.”
So hey. If you were planning to carry around a nursing cover, car seat cover, and a tubular flag to dangle from your shopping cart, this thing has you covered.
For new moms not yet overwhelmed by the constant barrage of well-meaning (and usually conflicting) advice from in-laws, doctors, and strangers, now your water bottle can get in on the action too. Yes, even an item this seemingly innocuous can get up on its high horse and offer you unsolicited parenting advice!
On the off-chance the constant, debilitating thirst that usually comes with breastfeeding isn’t enough to remind you to drink, this hunk of BPA-free plastic could be your new BFF. Little markers on the side show you how much H20 to consume in two-hour increments throughout the day, with a cheerful reminder to refill when it’s close to empty (lest baby-brain has turned you into a blithering moron).
It’s enough to drive any mom to drink.
This “lactation massager,” made from medical-grade silicone, claims to take the place of tired hands when it comes to increasing milk flow and relieving clogged ducts that can lead to mastitis. Have problems with oversupply, undersupply, or reduced supply? According to the product copy, this waterproof, BPA-free doodad just might become your next “bosom buddy.” Sure, it looks like something some of us may keep tucked away in a private drawer, so maybe don’t look at the product pic of a happy infant stuffing it in its mouth—because, according to the manufacturer, it makes a great baby teether, too!
Would you buy anything from this list of the weirdest breastfeeding products? Sound off in the comments!
YA author, freelance writer, fan of books, beats, babies, Brooklyn. Check out my latest YA novel, When The Beat Drops, out now.