If you’re not following Sarcastic Mommy on Twitter, are you even really living? She’s a mother of four and the most excellent composer of funny mom-life tweets on the planet. Her brand of sharp sarcasm is unparalleled and if you’ve ever had a painfully long day as a parent, you most definitely need her hilarious tweets to refuel you.
Relatable and accurate, Sarcastic Mommy always keeps it at 100 with her observations about trying to raise children and maintain a shred of sanity. We decided to take a look at some of her most recent tweets to bring you the dose of funny you need right now. Here are 25 genius parenting tweets from Sarcastic Mommy that will help heal your exhausted, weary, and lifeless soul.
Once Upon a Very Long Time
I always thought I’d be a patient mom.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 1, 2020
And then I had to listen to my son tell a story.
If you haven’t screamed “Get to the f*cking point” at your child yet, are even a parent? The stories they tell are always cute when they start and then turn into an epic no one asked for.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will just eat cereal.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 26, 2020
Science! Getting dinner on the table is such an exhausting slog. Why even bother? Cereal will do the trick every single time!
Life Was Good, Lunch Was Not
I really miss my son texting me from school to let me know he didn’t like what I put in his lunch.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 21, 2020
We’re all missing the little things now that we’ve entered the apocalypse stage of this timeline. Now, we can fondly recall the things that our children did that annoyed us. What a paradigm shift!
Me: *being lowered into grave*— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 7, 2020
My kids: Can you take us to McDonald’s?
Kids sure love trash food and McDonald’s is the hottest ticket in town for it. No shade on Mickey D’s, we love a plastic cheeseburger as much as the next person.
So are we buying back to school clothes or pajamas this fall?— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 4, 2020
The suspense is killing me.
Better question: will we be learning to sew curtains into clothing for our children in the next few months? We already made the masks…
Cheers! Send Tweet.
*At Costco*— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 16, 2020
Him: Wow, you’re buying a lot of wine. Are we having people over?
Me: No, but we have 4 kids, remember?
Him: Let’s get some vodka, too.
When shopping, it’s important to remember the necessities and think of the children, of course.
Get That Point Across
They say communication is important in a marriage so I just sent my husband 6 consecutive texts explaining why I’m right.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 8, 2020
If you’re going to do it, bring the receipts. Exhibits A, B, and C will help you plead the case and communicate accurately.
The Most Peaceful Place on Earth
When you’re a parent, sometimes you get to take mini-vacations.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 19, 2020
These are also known as trips to the bathroom without your child knowing.
We were all hiding from our kids in the bathroom before the pandemic and now, it’s the only place to get away from those little angels. A locked door is your friend for the foreseeable future.
Tasting Notes of Self-Sufficiency
This wine tastes like everyone can make their own dinner.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 24, 2020
When you’re all out of F’s to give and the wine hits, there’s just no reason to worry about dinner. You’re already drinking yours.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 27, 2020
Um how about you continue to live here?
Kids will only understand the effort it takes to maintain a home until they’re doing it themselves. Sarcastic Mommy comes through with the facts on it.
Toleration is Her Cardio
If listening to your kid tell a story burned calories, I’d be invisible.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 13, 2020
If this isn’t the truth, nothing is verifiable. No one told us parenting would be a sequel to The NeverEnding Story. Falkor, pull up, and take us away!
Put That On a Card
Hallmark needs to come out with some real talk anniversary cards.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 6, 2020
I’m needing something that says, “I’m just as surprised as you are that we’re still together.”
Relationships can be tough. Realizing you’ve hit a milestone without really trying is the mood we all need.
Sarcastic Mommy Waxes Philosophical
If you love something, set it free.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 17, 2020
If it comes back to you, it’s probably your teen who needs money for gas.
This is a perfect tweet. We suppose love was never really free to begin with. Wow.
What’s That Sound?
New neighbors moved in & asked if my son could go over & have a play date.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 15, 2020
Sure, I don’t know anything about you, but if you’re offering me a few hours of peace & quiet, he’s all yours.
The kindness of strangers never ceases to amaze. Letting go and learning to trust are vital skills as a parent. Give yourself a pat on the back!
The Children Are Not All Right
My kids just had a contest to see who could jump up & hit their head on the ceiling fan first.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 30, 2020
This is going to be a long summer.
A human child’s propensity to inflict bodily harm is unrivaled in the natural world. We suppose if we had soft bones, we’d bang our heads on something as well.
Dinner Is Served
My husband said he would go get dinner stuff at the store after he takes a quick nap so it looks like we’re probably eating dinner at 9am tomorrow.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 9, 2020
Naps are essential. Dad naps are epic, however, like a long journey you never know when they’ll return from.
Just Like Dinner Out
I miss going out to restaurants with my 4 kids so I made them all sit at the table for dinner & then threatened to leave since no one can behave.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 8, 2020
Eating out for dinner as a kid was a prized, exceptional event for many of us growing up. How kind of Scary Mommy to recreate the thrill of it for her children.
Living the Life
Having a birthday in the midst of a pandemic is fun because it’s no different than the last 120 days.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 2, 2020
Maybe I’ll change it up & cry in the closet rather than the bathroom.
It’s her party and she’ll cry if she wants to! Designated a special “event” closet to shed your tears in is always a wise decision.
Having to quarantine should automatically enroll you in the Wine-of-the-Month Club.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 7, 2020
Sign me up for that stimulus package, please.
Can you make a tweet public policy? Can we nominate this tweet for president? This needs to be real.
Reaping What You Sow
Have kids so you can listen to miniature versions of yourself cry because you handed them them a drink in the wrong cup color.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 9, 2020
If you ever needed a PSA for birth control, SM just delivered in this tweet. Why does the shape, size, color, and material of a cup matter so much? Why did we care?
On Earth Two
My kids cleaned the kitchen without being asked & now I’m afraid of what they want from me.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 4, 2020
Sometimes the little ones prove you wrong and do something right! It’s always terrifying because you know another shoe is about to drop at any moment.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 23, 2020
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
We, as a society, need to have a hard conversation about these dad naps. There needs to be some sort of cap or limit. Have you ever heard of a mom nap? There’s a reason for that.
The Kid’s Got a Bright Future
I asked my son to make a birthday list & he wrote a whole page. He even included a “Things I’ll Probably Never Get” section.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 23, 2020
Have kids. It’s fun.
Your kid might not be able to finish a 100-word essay for class, but please believe if gifts and toys are involved, tomes will be written. Mountains will be moved. Santa will be consulted as a guest editor.
My kids are getting along & working on something together.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 10, 2020
I’ve never been more frightened.
See? When they get it right it always feels wrong. It’s as if they don’t need the parenting anymore…
Sick of Kids
I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 7, 2016
This is a classic Sarcastic Mommy tweet that we just had to share with you because it’s content like this that put her on the map and made her Twitter-famous. Never stop Sarcastic Mommy. We need you now more than ever!