25 Genius Tweets About Parenting and Married Life from Sarcastic Mommy

25 Genius Tweets About Parenting and Married Life from Sarcastic Mommy

If you’re not following Sarcastic Mommy on Twitter, are you even really living? She’s a mother of four and the most excellent composer of funny mom-life tweets on the planet. Her brand of sharp sarcasm is unparalleled and if you’ve ever had a painfully long day as a parent, you most definitely need her hilarious tweets to refuel you.

Relatable and accurate, Sarcastic Mommy always keeps it at 100 with her observations about trying to raise children and maintain a shred of sanity. We decided to take a look at some of her most recent tweets to bring you the dose of funny you need right now. Here are 25 genius parenting tweets from Sarcastic Mommy that will help heal your exhausted, weary, and lifeless soul.

Once Upon a Very Long Time

If you haven’t screamed “Get to the f*cking point” at your child yet, are even a parent? The stories they tell are always cute when they start and then turn into an epic no one asked for.

Accurate

Science! Getting dinner on the table is such an exhausting slog. Why even bother? Cereal will do the trick every single time!

Life Was Good, Lunch Was Not

We’re all missing the little things now that we’ve entered the apocalypse stage of this timeline. Now, we can fondly recall the things that our children did that annoyed us. What a paradigm shift!

Last Rites

Kids sure love trash food and McDonald’s is the hottest ticket in town for it. No shade on Mickey D’s, we love a plastic cheeseburger as much as the next person.

Pandemic Thoughts

Better question: will we be learning to sew curtains into clothing for our children in the next few months? We already made the masks

Cheers! Send Tweet.

When shopping, it’s important to remember the necessities and think of the children, of course.

Get That Point Across

If you’re going to do it, bring the receipts. Exhibits A, B, and C will help you plead the case and communicate accurately.

The Most Peaceful Place on Earth

We were all hiding from our kids in the bathroom before the pandemic and now, it’s the only place to get away from those little angels. A locked door is your friend for the foreseeable future.

Tasting Notes of Self-Sufficiency

When you’re all out of F’s to give and the wine hits, there’s just no reason to worry about dinner. You’re already drinking yours.

Welcome Home

Kids will only understand the effort it takes to maintain a home until they’re doing it themselves. Sarcastic Mommy comes through with the facts on it.

Toleration is Her Cardio

If this isn’t the truth, nothing is verifiable. No one told us parenting would be a sequel to The NeverEnding Story. Falkor, pull up, and take us away!

Put That On a Card

Relationships can be tough. Realizing you’ve hit a milestone without really trying is the mood we all need.

Sarcastic Mommy Waxes Philosophical

This is a perfect tweet. We suppose love was never really free to begin with. Wow.

What’s That Sound?

The kindness of strangers never ceases to amaze. Letting go and learning to trust are vital skills as a parent. Give yourself a pat on the back!

The Children Are Not All Right

A human child’s propensity to inflict bodily harm is unrivaled in the natural world. We suppose if we had soft bones, we’d bang our heads on something as well.

Dinner Is Served

Naps are essential. Dad naps are epic, however, like a long journey you never know when they’ll return from.

Just Like Dinner Out

Eating out for dinner as a kid was a prized, exceptional event for many of us growing up. How kind of Scary Mommy to recreate the thrill of it for her children.

Living the Life

It’s her party and she’ll cry if she wants to! Designated a special “event” closet to shed your tears in is always a wise decision.

Pandemic Pinot

Can you make a tweet public policy? Can we nominate this tweet for president? This needs to be real.

Reaping What You Sow

If you ever needed a PSA for birth control, SM just delivered in this tweet. Why does the shape, size, color, and material of a cup matter so much? Why did we care?

On Earth Two

Sometimes the little ones prove you wrong and do something right! It’s always terrifying because you know another shoe is about to drop at any moment.

Ding!

We, as a society, need to have a hard conversation about these dad naps. There needs to be some sort of cap or limit. Have you ever heard of a mom nap? There’s a reason for that.

The Kid’s Got a Bright Future

Your kid might not be able to finish a 100-word essay for class, but please believe if gifts and toys are involved, tomes will be written. Mountains will be moved. Santa will be consulted as a guest editor.

YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE: 15 More Hilarious Parenting Tweets and Memes: ‘My Home Security System Is LEGOs on the Floor’

Something’s Awry

See? When they get it right it always feels wrong. It’s as if they don’t need the parenting anymore…

RELATED: 25 Funny Tweets From Moms About Husbands and the Paradox of Marriage

Sick of Kids

This is a classic Sarcastic Mommy tweet that we just had to share with you because it’s content like this that put her on the map and made her Twitter-famous. Never stop Sarcastic Mommy. We need you now more than ever!

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