A mom writes in asking for advice about her father and whether she should keep him in her and her kids’ lives. She says she has never had a good relationship with him; he cheated on her mom multiple times and has mental illness struggles. She has tried to set ground rules for him that he does not follow. After a recent incident, she is wondering if she should simply cut him out of her life for good.
A member of the community asks:
“Should I keep my father in my life?
I want to know if I should permanently keep my father out of my life and my kid’s life. We never had a good relationship. He’s cheated on my mom twice. Once when I was 15 and again 16 years later when my mom was going through chemo. Both times he tried to commit suicide when he was caught and my mom asked for a divorce. This last time my mom actually when through with the divorce.
After this second time I set down rules in regards to my children and he has broken a few. The first was he couldn’t see the kids in person until I felt he was safe. He could video chat though. He showed up to our house unannounced (he’s in NJ we’re in VA) on his way to FL asking to see the kids. The second was it was to be MY decision on if and when my kids met his GF (the lady he was cheating on my mom with during treatment) he broke that rule during a Christmas video chat and he had come on screen to say hi to my kids. (I let my oldest have to phone to walk around and show his toys and he took that opportunity to sneak her on to the screen) After that, I asked my dad for a written apology sent in the mail from both of them (she knew I didn’t want her meeting my kids because I TOLD her) My dad has refused to call ME childish.
What should I do? Should this be it?“
Community Advice for This Mom Who Is Wondering if She Should Cut Her Father Out of Her Life
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
The community offered this mom in need a lot of great advice. Read some of their responses below.
“He’s your dad. You’re not his mother. He’s a person and makes mistakes. If you’re mad be freaking mad, but one day he won’t be around and is getting your way really worth being petty?”
“I would not go as far as completely removing him from your life but I do think you should continue with the space you’ve made. Your father definitely has issues with boundaries and something tells me there’s more to this situation. Mental health is a slippery subject. It’s hard for the unstable person and often times it’s just as hard as for the child(Ren). We end up having to make up for our parents’ shortcomings. You haven’t forgiven your father for his mistakes and betrayal to your family. One day you might, but today doesn’t have to be that day. If you feel that he’s too toxic to be around your children at his present moment then that too is your call, but I don’t think you should get him out of your life.”
“What he did is heartbreaking, but if he isn’t dangerous or irresponsible, I wouldn’t punish and control him by keeping his grandchildren from him.”
“I understand you feeling for your mom, but don’t fight her battles, just be supportive. I left my husband 6 years ago; I’m still battling with divorce but both my girls still have a relationship with him. Channels of communication are open; if he fails to use them then that’s his own problem. He cheated and even sired 2 kids when I was still with him. Forgive him and let the kids enjoy their grandfather.”
“Well, you are being childish. What happened between your mom and him are adult issues. They had nothing to do with you. It doesn’t matter how many people he is with. He will always be your children’s grandfather.”
“You need to chill. Your dad has moved on and you need to also. If the kids aren’t in danger, you’re just overreacting. He cheated on your mom. Not you or his grandkids. Why deprive them of a grandfather cuz you’re being a childish brat? MOVE ON.”
“I get where you’re coming from. I wouldn’t want my kids meeting or speaking to someone who had no issue breaking a family up .. especially when my parent was fighting for their life.
Kudos to you girl! Strong you are for standing your ground. They are your children, not his or hers for that matter. Allow him to be a part of their lives. As for her though… that’s on YOU if you ever decide to take that step. Not anyone else’s choice. Yours. But yes, allow him to be a grandfather, just supervise all chats and calls from here on out.”
“I think this is childish. You are holding a grudge because he slept with someone other than your mom. His sex life has absolutely nothing to do with his grandkids. Or you for that matter. And he is obviously in a relationship with the woman, so why hide that? It would be different if it was a different woman every week, but seeing him with only one woman is not hurting your kids in any way, just you because she isn’t your mom. If he is actually a danger to the kids sure keep him away. But video calls? Overhear and if he steps outta line end the call.”
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