A mom writes in asking for advice about her son’s living situation when he is staying with his dad. She says that her son, 5, stays with his father every weekend. They live in a two-bedroom apartment with no yard. The father’s girlfriend, who also lives with them, is due to have a baby at any minute. Recently, the father’s father, who is an “alcoholic,” moved in as well. She is also concerned that her son is sleeping in a “baby crib” while there. What can or should she do?
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A member of the community asks:
“I am concerned about my son’s living situation when he is at his dad’s house: Advice?
How would you guys feel about the living situation at your BDs house? He, his girlfriend, who is 4 days overdue right now so baby will be here any time, his dad, and your 5-year-old son all living in a tiny 2 bedroom upstairs apartment with no yard to play in. Especially during this quarantine.
My son goes to his dad’s every weekend. I just found out last night that my ex’s dad is now living with them. He’s an alcoholic. My son said that they share a room. That his grandpa makes a bed for himself in my son’s room. I also gave my ex a queen size bed years ago for him or our son to use once he was big enough. In the last few years, it’s been in my son’s room at his dad’s. I found out last night that his dad got rid of it and my son now sleeps in a baby crib…..?
I haven’t seen this “baby crib” but that’s what my son calls it. So obviously I assumed they put up a crib for their new baby that will be here at any moment in his room. But my son says that HE sleeps in this baby crib and that he doesn’t have his big bed anymore.
So from what my son told me last night, he now shares a room with his alcoholic grandpa and sleeps in a baby crib. And now a new baby will also be there soon. My ex’s dad creeps me out, I’ve never liked him. 5 years ago when I and my ex were still together his dad moved in with us. I had just given birth. The day he got to our house (the first time I ever met him) I had a really bad feeling.
I left that night and stayed at my parent’s house for over a month with our son and didn’t go back till his dad moved out. There was no way I was going to hang out in my own home every day with my newborn baby and my ex’s dad. He made me uncomfortable. So this whole new living situation over there makes me uncomfortable. What should I do or can I do? Any advice at all would be nice.”
– Mamas Uncut Community Member
Community Advice for This Mom Who Is Very Concerned About Her Son’s Living Situation When He Is With His Dad
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
Advice Summary
The community offered this mom in need a lot of great advice. Read some of their responses below.
“If your child has a roof and is not being abused I say leave it alone. Maybe that’s all he can afford? In my opinion, your child has an active father in his life…then let him be. I can tell you that it is heartbreaking to watch children grow up without a father and you don’t realize how lucky you are. That’s his house and how he arranges it is his choice and really doesn’t need your approval (unless he is in danger). A lot of men get new families and push their previous family to the side…be thankful for what you have & let the man be.”
“You’ve listened to your son’s perception of this situation now it’s time to communicate with dad. Ask about his new bed and that you don’t feel comfortable with alcoholic grandpa sleeping in the same room as your son. Keep it short and simple. Then let him explain the situation without interruption and come up with a plan together. I know a paper trail is important but texting and email can be misinterpreted and I would first try face to face or over the phone communication first. See what happens and go from there but you have to give dad a chance to explain the situation first.”
“Why don’t you just ask the dad what’s going on? You really don’t have a say what goes on there; I def wouldn’t take custody away from a dad who actually wants to see his kid either. Don’t jump to conclusions until you talk to dad and get answers.”
“You need to talk to your ex about all of this. Your son is only five years old. Kids tell stories and can exaggerate sometimes. It’s hard for him to really be able to describe the living situation himself, he is a child. If your ex doesn’t give much information and you’re still really concerned then I would get ahold of a lawyer or someone to have them check it out. Let them know you don’t think your son is safe there and hopefully someone will do something about it.”
“I’ve told my son’s father that I need to see that he has a good environment before our son goes over to his house. He’s agreed that I should be able to see as should he be able to know what happens here. Just communicate with him. Don’t be afraid to voice your worries about your baby. That’s your child.”
“You need to see a lawyer about changing the visitation until they live in a more appropriate dwelling.”
“I would talk to your ex. I think it’s possible that they downsized to a twin bed to fit a crib and your son, because he is five, could be describing the bed as a baby bed.”
“Here’s the only advice you should follow: STOP GETTING YOUR INFORMATION FROM A 5-YEAR-OLD! Be an adult and communicate with your child’s father & ask him what’s going on.”
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