A mom writes in asking for advice. She wonders if it is considered cheating if she hangs out with her male friend she has known since high school. He is in the military and was away for years. Now that he is stationed nearby, he wants to hang out with this mom. Her husband thinks it is considered cheating, even though he has female friends who he spends lots of time with. She wants to spend time with her male friend but doesn’t want to upset her husband. Any advice for this mom?
A member of the community asks:
“I feel like I’m cheating on my husband, but I’m not. I’m not cheating. Nothing is going to happen. I’m not attracted to him; he knows I’m married and have two kids. We’ve been friends since high school (I’m 25). He joined the military and has been overseas for a few years. Now, he is stationed nearby and wants to hang out, but my husband thinks having male friends is cheating. Period. He must want to have sex with me. That’s the only reason he would show any interest in being a friend, apparently.
In school, I was a huge geek and my husband was the opposite. Super popular and still is. He has so many friends, and he does have girlfriends, but I can’t stand them. They’re like the popular girls, and I’m still the geek. My friend and I have so much in common. We watch the same anime shows, read the same comics, play the same video games. It’s been so long since I’ve actually geeked out with anyone!
I spend every single second being a mom, wife, and student. I just do, do, do 24/7. Even when my husband is here, I have very little help. I’m severely depressed. My brain feels like mush. I don’t even remember who I am anymore. I’ve lost myself, and I just want to find my old self again. My husband will be working on Halloween. I thought it would be cool to invite my friend to trick or treat with us, so I wouldn’t be alone.
I’m scared to even approach my husband about it because it’s all cheating in his eyes. I feel like he thinks I’m a whore. Like, nothing is interesting about me besides sex. It’s insulting. He has a ton of friends, he sees them all the time, sometimes for a few hours or the day. So, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not a cheater. I think the sun shines out of my husband. I would never ruin my family. What should I do?“
Community Advice for This Mom Wanting to Find Herself
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
Most commenters gave some solid advice for this mom. A lot of commenters agreed that it was not cheating for her to hang out with her male friend. Many people said that if her husband has friends, then she should have them too, or else he has a double standard. One said, “Tell your husband if you can’t have males friends, he can’t have female friends.”
Lots of commenters felt that the couple should go to therapy to work out their issues. One said, “No it’s not cheating to hang out. You two need to sit down and really talk about your relationship. Get some therapy if he doesn’t listen.” Another shared, “Trust is a big thing in a relationship. If you say it’s innocent, then he should trust you, and vice versa. Completely banning someone from having friends of the opposite sex is controlling and a little ridiculous.”
Others said to speak her mind and do what she is most comfortable with. One commented, “Having male friends is not cheating. However, if you feel uncomfortable carrying on the friendship because it feels wrong, do what you feel is best. Just don’t let somebody else project their irrational fears onto you.” Another shared, “Why don’t you invite your friend over for a meal with your family first so your husband gets the chance to meet him. Speak your mind woman! Tell him how you feel. Be confident.”
Some commenters shared their personal experiences on the issue. One commented, “I don’t do the whole opposite sex friend thing either and neither does my husband. Our rule is simple and works. If we want to hang out with a person of the opposite sex then we do it together.” Others agreed that they only hang out with friends of the opposite gender with their spouse.
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This question was asked by a Facebook community member who has asked to remain anonymous.