A mom writes in asking for advice about her marriage. She wants to know how she might know it is time to walk away from a marriage she finds unsatisfying. This mom and her husband have four children. Her husband works nights and therefore sleeps during the day. Though she thinks he is a good dad, she finds herself taking care of the kids on her own due to his schedule. She says she also does not love him anymore. They have tried couples therapy and other solutions, but she feels she may be ready to walk away. But complicating factors include a lack of her own resources and an unsupportive family.
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A member of the community asks:
“When do you know when it’s time to walk away from a marriage?”
“Hi, mammas! I need some advice. I have been married to my husband for five years, and in those years, we have had four children (ages 5,3,2, and 7 months). We got married because we got pregnant, and I feel like I was pressured into it by all my family members (if you get pregnant, you get married in their eyes), so here I am, I feel like I’m stuck in a dead-end marriage.
My husband works the night shift and has since my first son was born, and he sleeps during the day. So I’m taking care of the kids for the most part by myself. I love him as the father of my children; I just don’t love him anymore. We have gone to marriage counseling that didn’t help. Divorce has been brought up numerous times. I don’t have a job at the moment because I stay home saves more money than me going to work.
My family keeps telling me I need to stick it out for my kids and my sanity. They told me if we do get a divorce, then their houses are not open to my kids and me. I don’t know if I should stay and stick it out or go.”
Community Advice for This Mom Who Is Thinking She May Want to Walk Away From Her Unsatisfying Marriage, Despite Family Objections
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
The community offered this mom in need a lot of great advice. Read some of their responses below.
“I am so sorry you are unhappy. The grass is always greener on the other side. I raised 4 children alone as a 22-year-old widow. Be careful what you wish for you just might get it. I think you are very lonely. Please understand I bet he is too. Get a part-time job even if it right now doesn’t help financially that much. Getting out around people will help. I have never been afforded the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. You may realize he isn’t so bad and not the cause of your unhappiness. You may not realize how good it is until it’s gone. Give it a try.”
“It’s because he is awake in the night and you in the day, 2 different worlds! You don’t need a divorce, but he needs a day job.”
“Get a job ASAP and stop having babies if you are unsure about the marriage. It’s a hard season. Raising babies and the hubby working. It leaves little time for one on one time. Try planning date nights. Get a sitter once a month or more. Find yourself and actively work on your marriage. Give it a time frame you are comfortable with and if it’s not working still then leave. That also gives you time to be able to support yourself.”
“All marriages will have ups and downs. I can say from experience that divorce isn’t just cutting ties. There is still co-parenting and if dad wants to be involved, only seeing your babies half the time. That’s a hard thing for a mother, but cultivating that relationship with dad is whats best for the child (if he isn’t a drug addict or abusive of course). I would highly recommend having a REAL conversation about this. Continue the marriage counseling. Go on dates, even if you don’t want to at first…
… Try to remember why you ever felt love for him in the first place. HOWEVER: do not let your family decide for you. My family was entirely against my divorce and they have come around because they have seen the way I was treated and spoken to. It is your life and your decision and no one should make you feel bad about it no matter what you decide. I agree with other commenters also about doing more for yourself. Hugs.”
“Could it be that you are absolutely exhausted from being pregnant and mom for 5 years?? That’s a lot. And not getting much help has to be even more stress. Is there something that you can do to give you a little space/break? Does he help when he’s up? Do you tell him he’s a good dad and you appreciate it? That stuff goes a long way. Yes, both ways but maybe you could start it? Just an idea.”
“Sounds like he is providing for you and your children. I am sure working nights are not ideal for anyone including him but you should be looking more to being happy you have a man whose doing all he can to support your family. So, you are ‘stuck’ at home with all the kids you both decided to have…. you need to really change your perspective on what he is doing rather than what you’re not getting…
… Having all those kids back to back was a choice. You think leaving to be alone solves all your problems. If he is a good dad and a good husband you need to get yourself together. Another life or man isn’t going to make you happy or make things easier. Who are you really unhappy with?”
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