A wife writes in because she is worried her husband cheated while deployed. She is looking for confirmation that what she is seeing isn’t just in her mind.
A Community Member asks:
“Sorry for the long post. But I’m just feeling lost and have no one to really talk to. My husband was deployed for a year and was super sketchy while deployed. I knew something was up, so I hacked his Facebook and saw him talking to a “friend.” They got matching tattoos. When I confronted him, he said they were friends, and it was nothing. I threatened to take the kids and leave, and he apologized told me he made a drunken mistake. I forgave him. When he got back from deployment, things were different. We talked about having another baby, and he didn’t want one but didn’t prevent it.
We had our baby, and things drastically changed. He became distant, always on his phone. We have never been super secretive and always knew each other’s passwords to our phones, and he recently changed his! I started getting a gut feeling something was wrong, so I checked our phone bill and noticed he had been receiving and making phone calls at weird times… on his way to work, on his lunch break, and before coming home. Not just a few minute phone calls but like 30-40 mins each time for the past 3 months. I confronted him, and he told me it was none of my business, and that he had friends. Deep down, I know it’s more, and I want answers. He is brushing it off like I’m crazy, that he has no privacy, and he can’t have friends because of me. I asked him if it was a man or a woman, and I just get ‘its none of my business.’ I’m just broken and need to be assured I’m not the crazy one.“
– Mamas Uncut Community Member
Community Advice for This Wife Worried That Her Husband Cheated While Deployed
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this wife in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
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Advice Summary
Some of the community responded to this wife who feels her husband may have cheated when he was deployed. You can read some of these responses below.
“Do you realize what these men & women go through when deployed? The horrors they come across. Sometimes they need a friend, maybe it’s a woman, and just maybe, she was helping him (and not by sleeping with him) but give him a woman’s point of view how he will and should act after everything he has been through when he comes home to you! That’s just a thought. But if you think & know for sure he cheated, leave him.”
“The first thing you need to do is considered that he was DEPLOYED for so long. Can you imagine what takes place during that time, no you can’t. People change over time and men that are deployed usually come home a changed person. The main concern is that your children are taking care of. He probably needs time to readjust to all of the above and sometimes that is extremely difficult, for some not at all. Don’t push the issue and if you’re willing to forgive, let it be whether the marriage holds or ends… The only thing you might want to consider is counseling, I would pick a good day for him and bring it up if he says no, drop it and take care of those babies as best you can. That is what he is expecting.“
“The trust is gone obviously because you attempted to get into his phone. When there is no trust then there is no point. There’s been more than enough time to fix what was broke and that effort wasn’t there. So at this point, it honestly sounds like he’s been unfaithful again, which only worsens the trust issues. There is no coming back fully from this. Kids are young. Separate asap. His benefits will still take care of you & the kids & you will learn to love yourself again & hopefully find what you deserve.“
“That’s just completely disrespectful and no one deserves that. Focus on yourself and children and get out of that unhealthy relationship. Respect, communication, trust & honesty is a must in any situation, not just your relationship.“
Final Thoughts
The responses were interesting. They brought out a good point, although I am not sure it excuses cheating if, in fact, he did cheat. It was mentioned that because he was deployed he could be really needing to talk to someone who understands what he has been through. That maybe, he is not cheating but reaching out for help.
This may be very true and getting help is important, but when you are married it is safer to avoid any emotional relationship with someone of the opposite sex. As a married couple, that emotional support should come from the other person in the marriage. So taking all this in mind it might be best to seek out therapy for both of you together and separately. If he is unwilling to work on your marriage together then I think you have your answer.
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Well, I think it’s incredibly obvious that something’s going on, and I have to say that if this guy were a civilian, all of these things would be a dead giveaway that he is being unfaithful and everyone would be saying as much. Start building your independence. Get your own bank account, get a job if you don’t have one, find some friends, things like that…you are not the center of his world anymore, so you need to recenter your own.
Whatever is actually going on, clinging to him and freaking out is not going to change it.