One of our community moms writes in looking for advice on how to handle her husband’s ex-wife. She has caused lots of distress for her and she is looking for some comforting suggestions.
A Community Member asks:
“Me and my SO have been together for almost 2 years. I was told I could never have kids, and he has three from a previous marriage. Well, later down the line, I got the shocking news I was pregnant, and he and I made the decision then and there if the baby was healthy, we were keeping it.
Fast forward now, my son is nine months old, and I am having surgery to have a hysterectomy done as I’m not healthy enough to have any more kids, nor do we want anymore… My SO is so amazing and has had my back on all this but his ex-wife has done nothing but downgrades me, telling me I’ll regret it and that I’m selfish for doing it and so on.
A little back story, his ex-wife and I have NEVER fully gotten along. I tolerate her for the kids and my SO but she talks bad about me, tells me he will leave me, tells me I got pregnant to take away from her kids, she rolls her eyes at me, tells their five year old she doesn’t have to listen to me and can back talk me. She gets his family against me by saying I treat their kids badly, she plays power trips and keeps the kids from there dad when she feels like it, and requests more $ even though she gets child support.
It’s very bad, and I have spoken to my SO about this and how it stresses me out. Well, it keeps happening, and I feel like I am a hot mess of emotions not knowing what to do… I have tried distancing myself, not going to any of his family gatherings, not being around her… but it’s not fair to the family to do this all over a stupid ex-wife (as if I don’t go my son doesn’t either) … I just need advice on what I should do. please no negative comments just a lost momma looking for some nice advice thank you.”
Community Advice For The Mom Looking For Advice On How To Deal With Her Husband’s Ex-Wife
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom dealing with her husband’s ex-wife, read the comments of the post embedded below.
The community moms had a lot to say. How to handle the ex-wife, whether to get a hysterectomy and how to handle the family. You can read some of these responses below.
“Honestly, if she wants to be a jerk I’d just completely ignore her. Your husband can contact her about anything regarding the kids. You don’t need to do anything other than a polite “hello” when necessary.”
“Try to rise above it, she has no class and will never change. Toxic people can’t stand it when you ignore them, don’t react and smile anyway. You take away the power they think they have when you blow it off. I know it’s hard, but you can do it, be strong, you’re the winner in this situation.”
“Sounds contradictory to me…on one hand, you only got pregnant to take away from her kids, on the other hand, you are selfish for getting a hysterectomy. But in my opinion…people like her ONLY get away with what people allow them to. You should only have to say it once. Your husband should be backing you..and if his family likes you and wants you around, then they should tell her what’s up too.“
“She isn’t running your life or your marriage, so why is she an issue. The fact that she downplays you to the kids just shows her ignorance. If she keeps the drama going then the family needs to tell her to stop or don’t come. The kids don’t need her there to attend. So either everyone agrees with her, or they don’t care whether you’re there or not. I wouldn’t stand for some drama queen coming to our gatherings but someone I like not coming. Why would your husband allow that anyway? His ex there but his wife isn’t… hmmm.“
“Take the high road and be the bigger person. She shouldn’t be attending HIS family’s functions. If he’s paying child support he doesn’t owe her any extra money and if she withholds the kids from his court-ordered visits she can be arrested for contempt of court. Take the court papers and call the police if he has to in order to visit the kids. Document EVERYTHING and take her back to court.“
The advice given in a nutshell is to ignore her, take the higher ground. This, of course, can be easier said than done, but it is probably the best advice. It is best to focus on what we can control than on the things we can’t. You can control how you respond and how you let it affect you and your life but not what she does to try to make your life miserable. Many times we can take the power away from someone by completely ignoring them.
If you feel you have tried all of this and you still feel you can’t continue with her harassment you might have to take measures that protect you and your baby. Talk with your husband, try to find a way that you have as little to do with her as possible. Be completely honest with him. Hopefully, the two of you can come up with something that makes your life much easier.
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Dawn Onye is a Certified Lactation Counselor. With this certification comes education and her own experience helping mothers and babies with breastfeeding. With her CLC, she is required to keep herself up to date on the research studies, conferences, and training related to breastfeeding. She chose this field not just because she is an advocate for the benefits of breastfeeding, but because she sincerely loves working with mothers and babies. Her mission is not to push breastfeeding on all mothers and babies, but to help all mothers reach the goals they have and to provide the expertise for them to do so. The most important thing in life is to do what is best for your family without judgment from others.
Dawn is also a wife and a mother. She has four children ranging from 12 to 19 years old. She can help many families with tips and tricks she has learned along the way. She loves to read and write. Her favorite seasons are spring and fall, although she does enjoy summers while spending time with her family. There has been no greater accomplishment in life for her than being a mother.
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